Another copy of my book for my readers (the same as post 1)

Preface

My autobiography is all based on true events in my life leading up to the current day. The names of the people mentioned in this book have been changed in the interests of privacy, confidentiality and safety.

I would like to thank all the people who have given me support both in writing this book and just to listening to my problems over the years and making me feel a little less alone.

And I would like to especially thank Dr. Christine and Bob for being brave-

(the world needs more people like you)

Copyright © 2012 by Damion M Cappleman

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher

The story of the first Quantum Hypnotist

(this is a preliminary draft, to get the truth out, to find help)

My name is Damion Cappleman and I am in a desperate situation. This book is as much a plea for help as it is a story; this is my attempt at letting the world know of my situation. If I told you the truth about my life, of what I am going through and fighting for you wouldn’t believe me so I will start my story from the start. My life is very complicated; I hardly know where to begin. Life is always complicated for everyone but in the December of 2002 life for me took a turn for the more complicated, I was drugged and hypnotised to extract information on a crime I did not commit. This set in motion a chain of events even I find hard to believe sometimes. This is my story.

The structure of personality

(You are here!)

(ref. 1)

Part 1-

All my imagination

                                                                

It was spooky night...

It is the first of December 2002; I am invited out for a drink by my girl friend Heidi. I have a long history with her spanning back to when we were both sixteen when we fell in love though we break up after six months. We stay friends, If ever she needs me I am always there for her, if she has a hard time I will be there for her, I always care. At this time I am helping her get over a bad patch after she had moved away and was in a bad relationship, we are both twenty two now; we are back together again. We go out for our drink; I go to meet Heidi, one of her friends Chris, his cousin and his cousins girlfriend. The night passed mainly uneventfully. I pass a young girl alone on a bench whilst on my way into town to meet everyone, she asks me for a light, I oblige, she says she is waiting for her boyfriend. I ask her if she needs change for the phone (as it was late) and she jumps out of her skin and says 'no', I think nothing of it. I then met up with everyone. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to be drinking and  have a full drink at the end of our night out, I find it strange that Chris smuggles a drink out of the bar for me but think nothing of this either. We leave the bar and all go back to my house where on the way and quite near my house Chris’s cousin and girlfriend stop because she has a headache, she bends over double holding her head, me being me I also stop to make sure she is alright and show them the way, I give Heidi and Chris my keys. When we catch up with them and arrive at my house, Heidi and Chris are at my front door.  Chris drops my keys, which have somehow come loose from the ring. Later I find my outer door security key gone.

There seems to be a fair amount of tension when we get inside my flat.  I start to feel uncomfortable so I sit behind Heidi with my arm around her waist for comfort. All the others seem strange, there is a lack of any real conversation being directed at me, only a rare snippet or two passes my way, something just feels wrong. I find that on the two occasions that I make coffee for everyone this girl, that I cannot remember the name of, comes and stands in the kitchen with me. Looking back I think it strange as the strip light is out and I have to make the coffee in the dark, yet again I don't think anything of it at the time but I will let you be the judge of whether foul play was afoot or not. It did give the others time to spike my drink with the drug I was to later find in my system. The most painful aspect of this is that Heidi would have known what was going to happen. After a while I decide that I’ve had enough of these people being there and ask them all apart from Heidi to leave at about four in the morning. Heidi stays for a while, we talk and drink coffee, she is very clingy which is strange for her but it makes me feel safe. I haven't drunk much so I haven't ingested much of this drug, this drug that will lead to one of the most significant events of my life. Just before Heidi leaves she offers me a tablet she has which I foolishly take to try and perk my mood, I trusted Heidi; I thought it would be safe. I can’t believe Heidi would spike me, that would hurt too much, I just can't believe it; I still wonder what she knew. She is acting very strange while we are alone together in my flat, she just seems different. She decides to leave at about seven. I will never forget the look in her eyes as she leaves, her eyes sort of wobble, she looks so upset though I can’t see why, it seems to me as if she was saying goodbye, goodbye forever. It is not the last time this day I will see this look, the look that pierces deep and portrays your innermost feelings. I see her out, at my door I give her a hug, I tell her goodbye and say I will see her tomorrow. And then she leaves me.

-The eyes are the windows to the soul. (ref.2)

It's still the first of December 2002, it's still the day that proved to be the biggest turning point in my life, and I’m in my flat alone. I take a drink from my smuggled glass, then another, I feel strange, everything looks a bit strange, it’s about nine now and attempts at sleep have failed miserably. I sit in my armchair and watch TV and smoke rollups until I run out of papers. Nightmare. I desperately search around my flat to find some to no avail. I am feeling very strange by this point and don’t really want to go to the shop. I decide to go, I get my coat on and a woman sat in front of a desk on the TV comments 'you shouldn’t go out in the state that you’re in', I reply quite naturally ‘I’ve been out in worse states than this' and that 'I'll be fine, I need some cigarette papers', there is no reply. This all seems quite sane and normal to me at the time; I go out, get my papers and come back. At this point the woman on the TV starts talking to me again this time asking me questions about my sexuality. I am quite a private person and I got quite upset about this and in this what I can only describe as dreamlike state cried out for them to leave me alone, I then heard a voice say ‘let’s do it‘.

I am aware that it sounds like I’m a fruit-cake at this point, when people on the TV start talking back to you something is very very wrong indeed, I guess it usually will be down to a mental illness or psychotic episode, but not in my case. Most people with experiences like this think they are in a real situation at first and then later work out it is a mental illness, with me this was backwards, after this drugging I thought the chances of it being real were low even though how real it seemed, and most likely it was a drug induced psychosis ('logic dictates' as I am fond of saying), after all why would someone go to all this trouble over little old me? I couldn’t hurt a fly and had done nothing to warrant something like this. I was to later find this was a very real experience. I can only assure you that there are drugs that can alter your belief system in this way; turn it to jelly and make you like, for want of a better word a zombie. These drugs were used on me. These people on my television were real and had gone to a lot of trouble to do this.

At about four I awake with a start, my eyes itch, my hands dart up to them, I rub them frantically. I hear a voice behind me say ‘quick, get out’ and hear my door close. I am in shock, this feeling lasts some time, I sit there staring, sort of blank, in shock. I get fragments of memories of the time I had just blacked out as I sit bewildered in my chair. It isn’t long before this feeling comes over me, or crashes on to me might be a better term, like I had been raped. I start crying uncontrollably; I can only describe it as being like having your soul raped, like a perverse mixture of rape coupled with the intimacy of making love. As I start to cry this awful feeling is then taken over (after only a second or two) by a sensation of what I can only describe as bliss, it feels like something is jumping from left to right in my brain over and over, I giggle from this. I would later call this strange sensation the 'tennis game' it is a hypnotic technique to stop pain. I guess the person behind this, this shrink (the nickname I was to give my agents with psychiatric training) was trying to make up for his mistake, his mistake of going to these lengths to extract information on crimes he now knew I had not committed. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day, I was just in shock and I have no doubt in the worst state of my life (up until this point anyway). I just know he was there and stayed until late, though I could hear him I could not see him, I guess this must be another hypnotic feat and why not, after all if you can convince someone they are a chicken (we’ve all seen it on the telly) you could convince someone to ignore an intruder in their home, especially with this drug in their system. I whisper quietly to talk to him though it feels more like thinking than talking. I decide to take a bath to try and make myself feel better. I lay in my bath whispering to him. I remember not wanting him to leave me, I was in such a state, in shock as well as the effect of the drug they gave me, if you told me I was a fish I’d probably have believed it. In a way it was comforting having this person there, to quietly talk to even though I couldn’t see him, I just didn’t want to be alone. He leaves at about eleven, I remember as I told him I didn’t want him to go, he said he had to, I irritably replied ‘what? To go to the pub or go home to your family? I really didn’t want him to leave. I don’t remember talking to him after this, I guess he had gone. Soon after this I cry out 'when will you let me sleep' in my living room, more of a statement to the world rather than to anyone in particular, I am tired and a mess and need sleep, I crawl into my bed and go to sleep soon after this. Over the coming hours and days I begin to piece together fragments of memories of what had actually happened to me in the time I had blacked out.

I’ll try to tell you now about what happened when I blacked out, most of which I can only describe as being half conscious or like my brain was of the consistency of jelly. It took me time to piece together what I write now. At first they showed me pictures; there were lots of them, picture after picture after picture. I remember seeing an executioners chopping block, it filled me with a gripping fear, at the time I didn’t know where I was, all that filled my mind was I was going to die, it was terrifying plain and simple. I also saw a picture of an iron clad box; they used this to represent hidden memories and referred to it as being at the back of my mind. I have a vague memory of a man stood behind me whispering into my ear 'now you’re going to know what it feels like' before I was bent over my sofa and something inserted into me. After this they started to extract information. At first they just asked me if I was a paedophile, I said 'no', they kept asking me, saying they knew I’d done it, I kept saying 'no' over and over. They made out I was sat on some sort of stage, it felt like I was on a T.V show sat in a chair in the middle of a stage. They questioned me, I remember replying to their questions. I remember then saying ‘it’s illegal to do this to me… you’re not allowed to do this… you’ve drugged… SHIT you’ve drugged me! HELP! HELP!', I started wriggling in my chair and shouting for help while they held me down, I kept shouting and struggling. After some time someone said ‘can you fix this?’, I heard a reply say ‘no, but I know someone who can’. I don’t remember how much time passed, not long but someone else came in, I was highly distressed- I was shouting ‘I’ll have you all killed by Croatian terrorists with the compensation I’ll get’ (Croatian lol, ok I was in a state) and wriggling in my semi conscious state. At this point I was under the belief it was some people from some sort of T.V show who had done this to me; that’s the tactic they used. The only way this new guy could calm me down was by telling me they were from MI5, this calmed me down though in hind sight I should have been more distressed from this. I remember vaguely thinking; at least MI5 can do this type of stuff and are professionals, I guess in the back of my mind I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and MI5 didn’t have a reason to hurt me. The man who came in was Pete, he wore a grey suit, had receded hair with a little tuft at the top and looked about 36. At some point I asked him his name, he said he couldn’t tell me it- I said ‘I’ll call you John or Pete then’, I decided on Pete. I heard a girl comment 'he has friends with those names, why would he call you that’? I have found when you interact with anyone for a period of time it becomes necessary to call them something, ‘hey-you’ doesn’t work very well. I vaguely remember two people were beside me (the ones who held me down) and there were four people in front of me on the TV (at least one girl). The four on the T.V all started asking me questions a little faster than I could hear in a constant bombardment of whispers. They were asking me if I was a paedophile, in a daze I kept saying 'no', I remember saying no over and over, half asleep and moving my head from side to side in a delusional attempt to get away from this constant bombardment. I screamed ‘NO’! And then it stopped. The whispering was then replaced by music; cheerful summer music and a voice saying ‘music makes you feel real feelings’ over and over in a calm voice, this had the effect (after a few or more seconds) of, as I would describe it; resetting my mood. There was silence. I heard them discussing something, probably the fact they now knew I wasn’t a paedophile. At some point I remember saying to Pete ‘haven’t you heard of a confused sexuality?’ in reply to this invasive questioning into aspects of my sexuality (I guess they were desperate to validate what they had done), he replied ‘not like yours’ I said ‘you’re just pissed off you can’t press charges’, he groaned so loudly at this.

They carried on regardless. More questions, more whispering, more music, over and over until I cried out from it. A young agent I was to later call 'Original Luke' took over at this point, maybe Pete wanted a break or something; this experience went on. Original Luke then directly tried to make me believe I was a paedophile (for a reason that escapes me even now). He say’s ‘you are a Paedophile’ In reply to this suggestion I started shouting at him and wouldn’t stop, he soon had to get Pete back in, he obviously didn’t know what he was doing. Pete asked me ‘what’s wrong’- I replied ‘he tried to make me believe I was a paedophile’. He said ‘you’re not a paedophile’ and I stopped shouting. I said ‘never do anything you can’t undo’. Pete said ‘you should listen to him’ (ironically).

At some point they, well, Original Luke (who is not the brightest guy in the world) tried to make me believe I was a paedophile again (though I don’t know why, maybe to practice his lacking skills with hypnosis), and this time it was different, this time he succeeded in implanting this belief. It went against so much of me and what I stand for, it went against my morality, my mind, my beliefs, against...all of me. This implanted belief though seemingly only lasting for a split second resulted in what I can only describe as feeling my mind, my personality…‘me’ collapsing, this is when I saw personality.

(insert picture of personality broken) (ref. 3)

I think I was the first human to see this structure, this structure of personality. It was beautiful, beautiful but at the same time disturbing; as I knew a big chunk of it had collapsed because of what they made me believe. I was in a world of darkness, pitch black, the blackest black you can imagine. I remember seeing a few dullish curved fragments around me, not bright like what I was to find the ego is meant to be but a dull yellow. I in a strange way could sense feelings from these broken pieces of me, like I knew what they were, what part of me they represented. I remember saying ’look, look what you’ve done…you’ve broken me’. Pete asked me about what I was seeing and didn’t believe me, I said ‘look, that’s myself respect...That’s me caring about stuff… That’s feelings and stuff’. It is a hard experience to explain, I was stood there in this total darkness, these pieces of me broken around me and this giant mile high ‘thing’ in front of me. Personality is beautiful, especially seen from just above the Id which is where I was. The Id is a vast ocean of white, the ego a collection of mile high columns reaching up to a star studded collection of a mass of tangled strings all lit and sparkling brilliantly. It was awe-inspiring. I have found now that the stone columns I was seeing, where my ego was meant to be, were an hallucination, strangely enough this was to be passed on along with my hypnotic abilities, everyone else developed these columns instead of the braids I was to discover in the coming year that are the real structure of the ego (I think!). Beneath the exterior of these columns it looks like a flat helix structure. I think my mind somehow visualised these columns to protect itself, it’s the only thing I can attribute it to. But if it came from my own subconscious it was without trace, I don’t remember even seeing my ego break, there was no time to think, no inkling of a thought, it just happened. It feels like someone was protecting me in a strange way, sometimes I seem to stumble on experiences like this; where it just feels like someone is looking out for me and saves me from the worst, but only when I really need it.

They asked me questions about what I was seeing, they didn’t believe that I was seeing what I was, I kept saying ‘no, no‘ and said what I was seeing, as I described it I remember a girls voice saying ‘he’s describing personality’ in a shocked tone. At some point they were particularly interested in the Id, Pete said 'nobody really knows what the Id is'. He foolishly asked me to go into the ’sea’, into the Id. I did so, more instinctually than anything. It had the effect of stunning me- all I remember is that a little time passed, it was like my mind just shut down, then like a faint whisper from far away I heard Pete say ‘come out of the sea’, it was like my brain just got switched back on. I remember still being upset at all these pieces of my ego being shattered and surrounding me, I seemed to know what had happened though still in this dream like state.

-There is nothing in the mind more potent than belief (ref. 4)

At some point near the end I remember the conversation (if you can call it that) getting on to Pete saying about me getting better from my drugging, from this experience, I said to him ‘IF I get better’ in reply to this, which made him groan quite loudly again, he told me I should get better in a week or so. I don’t remember much after this, throughout this I was only half with it, like my mind was stripped bare, I sort of knew what was going on and bits of me got through, but I was in a half conscious state. At the end of this, just before I was to wake up, Pete used the forget trick on me, rather unsuccessfully, he did something and said ‘forget that’, this phrase is a hypnotic suggestion that’s meant to erase your memory, I just said ‘How can I forget something like this!’, all I remember was him groaning again.

A Dark World

I am just a little spark

I chased away a world so dark

I chased away a world so bleak

I found the things

The things we seek

An ego broke

And pieces lie

Around my feet

As I do cry

As I did cry

I was to see

That brilliance sat

In front of me

It glittered and sparkled

Glittered so bold

Glittered and sparkled

Glittered in gold

With strings like spaghetti

And stars for a crown

I was walking past columns

Just braids that fell down

Now there’s light in the darkness

And life in your eye

Swimming in conscious

The Id I do spy

With waves ever reeling

As white as a gown

As white as some paper

our hearts that fell down

Blue waves make our senses

Grains of a thought

The mind ever changes

To all shape and sort

So this is the wonder

The place so profound

The place that I saw

When my mind fell down

(ref. 5)

The day after the night before

The reason it didn’t stop there was because I saw Personality when hypnotised. It should have stopped there, they knew I was not an abuser, they pieced together that I was a good person, it should have stopped there, but it didn’t. The day after; I wake up, I thought it had all been a dream. I get dressed and go into my kitchen to make a cup of coffee, then that awful feeling comes over me again. I scream out, throw my cup of coffee against the wall and kick my door as hard as I can. Blood drips from my foot. I make my way into the front room, sit on my sofa with my head in my hands and cry… it wasn’t a dream.

I don’t remember much else of this day, it is like still being in shock and the drug is still having a very strong effect on me. I remember I wanted to phone Heidi. I go to phone her, to get help. It is so hard leaving the house, it feels like everyone I pass in the street is talking about me, when everyone laughs it is at me, I know they aren’t (I have a very logical mind, it helps defend against paranoia) but I cannot rid myself of this consuming panic feeling, I just try getting a grip on myself as best as I can and get where I’m going, I take deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. It is horrible being outside, I remember having no change for the phone, so I go to the shop, the first shop I go to wont change my ten pound note, I don’t know why It didn’t occur to me to buy some chewing gum or the like, it just didn’t. I think maybe when she said to me ‘I can’t change that’ I took it very directly because of the drug. I have to go quite a way it felt to another shop then to the phone box, it felt like a feat of mental endurance just doing this simple task, it wasn’t easy at all. I get to the phone and try to phone Heidi, I keep getting the answer phone until my change runs out, I have to go and get more change from the shop again.  Everyone I pass or stand near makes me panic. I try again to phone Heidi and still can’t get through. I then decide to phone my Dad for help.  I get through and ask him to come to see me. I then get to make my way home and this horrible experience of being outside can come to an end. It was so hard functioning with this awful drug in my system. I really wanted to talk to Heidi, I wanted to tell her what had happened and I wanted her to help me.

I am employed as a career at this time and the clock is counting down to the time I have to be at work, I keep glancing at the clock and just let it count down, I know I can't go to work in the state I am in. My dad comes round at about teatime, I tell him what has happened, he see's I am a mess, he gets in touch with my doctor, and I get an appointment arranged for the day after next. My work tries to get in touch with me and they are going mad because I haven’t turned up but my Dad deals with that.

I was left to pick up the pieces and did so. It takes about a week for the drugs to wear off and my urine is a dark brown throughout. In this week I become completely agoraphobic, on the occasions that I ‘have’ to go out I am filled with a consuming terror, I sweat profusely every time and have to use my breathing technique to breath properly otherwise I gag. My parents’ are nice and bring me lots of food, chocolate and drinks so I don’t have to go out. I also become impotent during this time and everything looks strange. Another strange thing to note is I stop enjoying music for this week, all apart from one album, by an artist called Pink, her first album 'just like a pill'. Listening to her makes me feel better, like there is someone out there who understands what I feel like, I think it made me feel like I was less alone. I am just a complete mess for this week, alone, hurt and scared that I will be like this forever and won’t get better. I guess this could have been worse; maybe a lot worse, being a good person very well may have saved my life.

I go to my doctor’s appointment on the 4/12/2002. I see a Dr. Potter. I ask him for a blood test which doesn't happen, I remember not making eye contact with him and looking downward to my feet as we talked about what had happened to me but he kept pinching between his eyes again and again until I looked up at him, we made eye contact, he sees the red bloodshot eyes (it was only the nose sides of the white of my eyes that were red) that I got from what happened that night. It was from the eye clamp they used on me like you see in movies, probably some horrific metal device strapped to my head to pin my eyes open, I have no memory of this device though. I take with me four whole pieces of A4 paper with details of what had happened to me but he isn’t interested in reading it. I eventually throw these important pieces of paper away stupidly thinking it doesn’t matter, I wish I still had them. I try my best to explain and describe to him what had happened to me. He puts me on to a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who I was to see about a week after this. I like Dr Potter; he seems nice and is army trained which I respect. He is a good doctor but I guess he didn’t know I am an innocent person and not a paedophile, maybe he thought that stupid saying ‘there’s no smoke without fire’. I think I am really just a victim of cruel circumstances.

I don’t see Heidi for a few days, she comes round I think it would be on the Thursday (5th deck 2002) when my dad is there. She says she had also been spiked and had also blacked out, she even mentions going into a shop, buying some red trousers and forgetting that she did it, but it doesn’t sound like the drug I had in my system. She says that we should go to the police; my Dad thinks this won't achieve anything so this doesn’t happen. She was making out she was in the same boat as me. I think she knew at least a bit about what had happened.

I began to see my CPN Juliet, by this time the drug had worn off and I was back at work. She seemed really nice and helped a lot, though she was adamant that my experience was a psychotic episode, it was the only thing her training was geared towards and the only conclusion she was ever going to come to. I only saw her a handful of times. I weighed up the odds, it seemed so real what happened to me when I was drugged, but the odds of it being a real event against the odds of it being a drug induced psychosis are likely to be low, low but not impossible. I just tried to put it behind me, forget about it and tried to get on with my life.

There is one thing I get from this nurse, something I will always be grateful to her for. She helps me tackle this worry I had developed about people thinking I was a paedophile; it was eating away at me for some reason. She helps me face and overcome this, we talk about this and she just says the magic words, then ‘poof’ this issue is thrown away forever, a ‘wot not’, a ‘knickknack’ of the mind to throw away. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I go home and scribble this poem straight down; it is like it writes itself.

wot  not

you helped me look and see my not

you helped me see wot i could not

you helped me find things long forgot

if not for you i know not wot

not wot to do

not wot to choose

not wot way to cast off blues

and fill my life with happy news

find my life

  find wots to lose

  fix my own not

on my own shoes

(ref. 6)

Back to life but back and alone

Heidi stops coming round just before Christmas, we see each other a few times and then she just doesn’t bother, I feel abandoned. I was there for her when she needed me, and where was she when I needed her? We have sex only once after the drugging, about a week or two before Christmas 2002, I would guess on the 17^th or so, I remember this well as I think this is when we conceive. I feel angry and let down and upset that she doesn't seem to want to know me. I had helped her pick up the pieces of her life on more than one occasion and where was she when I needed help, when I needed someone to be there for me?

Christmas passes uneventfully; I am slowly getting back to normality. Heidi and I met up on the 5^th of January at a local pub for a drink and to talk, I want to meet her to get a necklace back that I had bought her, I am prepared to buy it and take money to do so, it wasn’t a money thing, not at all. I remember buying it for her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  She meant so much to me, but I felt so betrayed, I gave her it because I loved her, I wish she cared as much for me as I did her, maybe then we would have been happy together. When she won’t give this necklace back it erupts into an argument, I brake her phone which is not like me at all and is something I do regret, I had been through a lot I guess. She starts to kick me, when this doesn’t work she flicks the beer out of her glass and tries to hit me over the head with it, so I gently put my hand on the centre of her chest and plonk her onto her bum on the seat behind her. I then walk out of the pub.

Heidi lies to the police and says I have assaulted her, she also says I have been stalking her and got a fake witness to say he saw me actually attack her, I did break her phone in this argument but I could never hit a woman, ever. The police later that night arrest me and don't treat me very well at all, in fact my barrister was to say they treat me like a rapist in my questioning (his exact words). They wait till 4am or so to question me, I am very tired and in a bit of a way. The police man is very aggressive and lies to me continually saying they have CCTV of me punching Heidi and sending her flying over a table! I just say over and over as they question me and that I wouldn’t hit a woman, I tell the truth about it all, I knew they were lying. They charge me with ABH anyway, Heidi did get her wrist strapped up in the A&E apparently but if this was from anything it was from her trying to hit me.

I see a psychiatrist once at the start of 2003 a Dr. Armitage, just one meeting that my CPN arranged before I stopped seeing her regularly. I don’t remember much of this meeting apart from me explaining what had happened when I was drugged and him saying that my experience was probably a psychotic episode and that it might be a one off or it might be a precursor to a massive psychosis/mental breakdown, I remember worrying at the term massive. I never see him again.

A crown court case follows my incident with Heidi. MI5 must have presumed this court case to be a threat because in late January I am spiked again but not as severely as in December and with a different objective. This night I am at my work, I go to sleep in the staff bedroom feeling a bit funny and dream of constant whispering all night long, it was a very light sleep so I wake up with that half memory thing you get of the night, like you get with light sleep like this. After this I become extremely dopey, things and conversations pass me by and I don’t take in hardly any of it, I feel wide awake though, not like normal dopiness where you feel groggy and know it’s there. I feel wide awake and sharp but trust me, I wasn’t. I mull over and realise about important parts of conversations hours after they happen. What was done to me is NLP, this programming of the mind, again I have been attacked. I think the whispering bypasses the conscious mind and directly changes the subconscious mind. I do not know the specific technique but I do know its effects. This again leaves me worried, Will I get better? How long will it last? You've just got to soldier on in situations like this and hope for the best. The effects of this get slightly better over the next few months but not by much.

I lose my job in the spring of 2003. I really regard it as a good thing though- it caused depression and all sorts and just made me miserable. I just don’t want to go to work at all, I miss meetings and the like, I can’t do with the added stress at the moment. I just didn’t turn up until I got a letter saying I was fired. I wanted to quit it for a long time but for some reason in situations like this I would find it hard to just 'jump in' and change my life when I don't like how it is. This little 'push' caused by this stress was definitely a good thing for me, I think part of me doesn’t like change but sometimes change is exactly what you need. In this job I had to spend so much time by myself with little to do, I cared about my tenants but they weren’t much for conversation, they could ask for what they needed but that was about it. All the time I spent by myself lead to an addiction to cannabis, I am highly social and it drove me mad having such a busy mind like mine with no social outlet, so I smoked cannabis so things like just watching TV was enough to occupy me. You may think I should have busied myself with books or poems or something I enjoyed but I am so socially orientated, I like to be around people all the time, when I'm happy I tend to talk a lot and I guess vice versa. I learnt from this job a human being needs to either physically or mentally tire themselves out, or it will lead to not being able to sleep and to depression. For a long time I thought it was the cannabis I smoked that was the root of my problems but it was the job that kept dragging me back to it. All the people I worked with never really saw the real me, just a dopey depressed unhappy person, four or more years I spent as a care worker doing night shifts were miserable indeed.

It’s the 11/4/2003 I am introduced to my new doctor; Dr. Christine. I have always gone to the first doctor available at my surgery but get recommended to see her by another doctor, for her to be my official GP. I come to ask her for a sick note so I can get some benefits. My savings have run out which I saved from my job and I need money to live, she writes me a sick note. She is blonde, wears glasses and seems friendly. I immediately like her, I don’t know why really, I just take to her, maybe because she’s obviously bright. I fill out forms and apply for some benefits, when it all comes through I get barely enough to live on but it’s enough to get me by. I don’t have spare money but I have just enough.

My twenty-third birthday passes uneventfully on the 7/5/2003, a week before the trial.  I am quite stressed about this coming court case. I don’t want these people prying into my life trying to make me out to be horrid and to add to my problems my relationship with my legal counsel my ‘guy in a wig’ wasn’t easy as I am so dopey from the NLP I had used on me, me not being much of a liar can work against you in situations like this also. I also have such strong emotions and new experiences like this court case are horrid, I even shake from them, not from fear but more from it being an alien situation for me that I don’t know how to deal with. I think 'how will I cope being in that box'? I can think of nothing worse than being up in front of all those people. I don’t want to plead guilty to get out of this awful situation because I would not hit a woman under any circumstances and I will not sacrifice my morals.

The court case comes, it is now may 14^th 2003, and I have heard rumours that Heidi is pregnant. She turns up bulge and all to the court, she is definitely pregnant and it is most likely mine. I see her at the other side of the court lobby, I start to shake when I see her, it is upsetting, we shouldn’t be in this situation, and we are going to have a child. I want to just end this but I damn well will not have people thinking I have hit a woman. I tell my Barrister we will have to go through with the trial, at the last moment the prosecution offer a way out of this, a plea to common assault a lot closer to the truth. I decide to plead guilty to common assault to avoid any further misery for us both. I got her to admit it was a push and I did not punch her when she 'threatened' me with a glass. So this court case gladly comes to an end.

I thought it was all over, I have had the worst six months of my life, but now it was going to end; now it was all over. I had got over the drugging, I had got out of that miserable job and the court case was over...I could finally rest, my life could start again, I actually thought life was going to get better for me, but the secret service had other plans.

The TV people

Two days have passed since the court case, two whole days. It is the 16^th of May 2003. I am having a quiet night in, I have just watched the film 'Aliens' and there is a documentary called 'Alien Evolution' on after it. It starts at about 11 and I settle down to watch it. It was very strange to say the least, it is only vaguely relevant to aliens and just seems a bit weird, there are unfamiliar people doing interview style comments that are a bit confusing and then one of them apologises for drugging me! ‘No this isn’t real’ I think, how could it be, people off the TV don’t fucking talk to you, well they do sort of but not like this. I find it very hard to take in, anyone would wouldn’t they? They offer me £65.000 in way of compensation but at this point I still cannot believe these people are real, I stay silent and watch. They draw comparisons to the smooth sexy sleekness of the alien in the aforementioned film, they speak between the lines through all this, I just cannot take in that these are real people, I cannot be doing with all this and go to my bedroom. People on the T.V are talking to me. It just felt like embracing madness to talk to these people in this way. After a short while I decide to go back to my front room and try and face this, I sit down in front of my T.V again and watch, soon I see a woman of about 33 in front of me, I watch for a short while thinking 'this can’t be real' until our eyes meet, she reacts to me, It is hard to describe the feeling as I looked at her, in to her eyes, it feels as if I am looking at the woman behind them, I wasn’t looking at a T.V anymore, I was looking at a person, a real person. My face curls up into one of those big smiles, the type of smile you just can’t help yourself from wearing, her face starts to curl up into a big smile back at me, she can’t stop it either. She bends over double to try hide her big grin and then it snaps quickly to an 'Alien' cut scene. I bet she got into trouble for that look, I guess we just couldn’t help ourselves. I had no inclination of how, that look, and indeed how that woman would change not only my life but me as well. She bears a striking resemblance to Ripley from the film; whose name I decide to give to her. She has a long face like Sigourney Weaver, but looks good with it. She was in a sea green jumper and a red wig which looked pretty hot (I like red heads). There was someone else who takes part in this seemingly 'made for me' documentary who looks 50 or so, he has a grey beard and a full head grey of hair, he takes part in this but not very actively. Ripley soon reappears, this time instead with a glassy eyed look, I don’t know at the time but she is trying to hypnotise me, her eyes seem challenging in a way, I find it hard to describe, I stare back at her trying to match her ‘prodding’ look, eye contact can be just like talking just without the words, this look must have somehow stopped her from hypnotising me. We looked at each other with steely eyes for a couple of seconds; it is a deadlock, the screen changes to a cut scene again. The credits roll, they hadn’t hypnotised me and had left me still wondering how real this experience really was.

The science bit- ‘Gaze induction/magnetism’

‘The science bit’ is featured throughout my book, I will try and educate you on what I know of hypnosis, how it fits into science and what can be done with it. I have tried to be a simple as possible.

The following paragraph is an extract from ‘www.understandhypnosis.com’-

The use of eyes with the hypnotic stare is very traditional in hypnotizing. However, very few people can hold their eyes steady without blinking for the necessary length of time without practice. To perfect a steady eye, stand in front of the mirror and look at your eyes. Look into your own eyes without blinking and do your best not to move your eyes at all. Hold your gaze for as long as you can stand it. About a minute is about right for the first trial. The seconds time you practice you will find that you can indeed stare longer without the need to blink. Practice this for a few days or until you can stare at yourself directly for five minutes steadily. Once having mastered staring at your own eyes in the mirror, focus on an imaginary point six inches behind the glass. In hypnotizing, you’ll apply this practice by centering your focus on the root of the client’s nose. Then focus your gaze on the point on the back of their head. This gives the appearance that your eyes are staring directly into their eyes, looking into the back of their very brain and is wonderfully affective in grasping attention.

(www.understandhypnosis.com)

Gaze induction/magnetism is how quantum hypnosis works; it is a way to induce a hypnotic state with nothing but eye contact. It is not just for hypnosis though; it is a latent ability in all of us, an instinct. In fact it is a genuine sixth sense we all have, especially as children. It is there in evolutionary terms to help us learn. Strong emotions and eye contact trigger this response; a selective form of empathy. Gaze induction is an instinctual reaction which hypnotists learn to mimic, it is form of electromagnetic communication between minds; this is why it can even be done through a TV if it is tuned to a neural frequency (the same as the brain uses) in the low Hz range (see neural transceivers later). Gaze induction is the basis for all my work and experiences.     (ref. 7)

It’s now the day after, the 17^th may 2003 and I am still trying to make sense of it all. People on the TV talked to me. Later on it gets to me; they brought back all those feelings of being raped, violated...hurt. That’s what it felt like. I had left these feelings behind, as you have to do in these situations, your hurt, you cry your eyes out and with every single tear you become that little bit stronger; but now I knew what had happened to me was real, the people, the feelings, everything. I feel like a madman doing so but I kneel down in front of my TV and pour my heart out to it, I cried so hard. I begged them to give me the answers to the questions I was left with. They did this to me and they left me, I find it hard to put it into words how I felt; drugged, raped and alone, with no one to answer my questions. They should have stayed and fixed what they did, they knew I was a good person and should have helped me. I sobbed and begged them to come back, I wanted answers, I wanted Ripley.

More than a week passes, It is late may 2003, I am watching my T.V, the man with the grey beard appears, my eyes instinctively dart to his, I experience the briefest glance of less than a second into his eyes, just enough to remember his face, It was just long enough.

I awake and I start to recollect what has just taken place. Memories flash into my mind. The forget trick that had just been used only seems to work only partially on me, it has the effect of  being like living an experience twice, you go through it once and then it’s like living it again as you remember it. I piece the pieces of my memories together...

Pete was in front of me, I immediately knew it was him, I could even sense it was him, I could feel the soup of emotions that was his mind, I remembered him well, he was even in his grey suit he wore the first time we met, this was my chance to get some answers. I shouted at Pete who just listened, I wanted to know why he drugged me, he gives me the impression there was a video made of me where I say I was worried people would think I was a paedophile. He said he was sure I was a paedophile, I replied ‘why! Because I said on a video I wasn’t one’, he replied ‘I thought you were lying'. I shouted at him more, I wanted to know why I had memories of being bent over my sofa and something or someone being put inside me, he said they wanted to see if I had diseases, I guess in case I had given them to children. I shouted at him again. I wanted to know why he left me, The guy with the beard started having a go at him also at this point, he is an MI5 department head it seems, he is definitely the one in charge, I shouted 'oy, I’m telling him off', he shrugged and left me to it. I told Pete he should have put me in a special hospital and helped me get over this, to explain what had happened to me, the truth. We discussed the young girl sat on a bench who I briefly met that night, apparently she was a lure of some sort to see if I was a paedophile, I shouted at Pete again- I said 'how can you use a young girl for this without a bug on them‘? He said it would of made her worry, I replied that a young girl might make mistakes and what if I was a paedophile, then what?' He said they would have made sure she was safe. Buttons kept butting in to ‘tell him off’ with me, I guess MI5 don’t usually make mistakes like this. I told him if he was going to use children he should compensate for their mistakes, even if it meant not telling them about a bug. I then asked him if he even knew how much of the drug I actually had in my system that night, he said he wasn’t sure.

To analyse my relationship with Pete I would have to say I had some feelings towards him in a way, even in my drugging I could sense his emotions, It is hard to put into words what it feels like to sense the soup of ambient emotions that come from a person, I just felt he was a 'good cop' and he was strong and reliable, I could sense he was a good person, I could definitely tell this. Part of my relationship with Pete will be he knew things about me no one else did, stuff I’ve never told anyone, not that I’ve done anything wrong, I’ve never hurt anyone or anything or committed a proper crime, but they raped my mind and rooted around every inch of me, we all have something to sort of hide, something personal, it‘s called a private life, and he knew me, not just bad things but also good things, personal things, my mind was stripped down bare from what he did. It was important I guess that he just excepts me, as strange as it sounds.

Ripley and Pete appear, they say the rest of the shrinks have left the room, they initiate a good cop bad cop routine on me, they say there going on the run because they don't agree with what is going on, I am still a little in doubt of the reality of these strange goings on, it is just so hard to take in, I tell Ripley this, she seems a bit surprised, she assures me this is all very real and I finally get to the point of truly excepting all of this, I am sure now, this lingering doubt leaves me forever now. They say that some bad people are in charge and they both want to help me, they don’t do it very well though, I remember the guy with the beard coming back in at points, it was a mess, it seemed set up, they kept using the damn forget trick when they didn’t get the results they wanted from talking to me, I shouldn’t remember these bits but I do, it seemed like they were setting me up. Pete and Ripley told me to meet them, to go to Hull train station and they would approach me.

At the end of this session, this conversation with me under hypnosis, the grey beard guy, a tall thin man in a black suit and a woman with curly grey hair, took over, I remembered this woman from somewhere, I recognised her from a documentary I had watched earlier in the year, I had forgotten all about it, I remembered watching it and seeing her, it was definitely her, she reminded me of Germaine Greyer in a way, she had grey curly hair, glasses around her neck and looked like a writer of some sort to me, she immediately captivated me because of this. In this other 'made for me' T.V documentary there was a lot of things that sounded sort of relevant to me but in no way did I think it was anything other than a T.V programme, it was just relevant enough for me to remember her and it, well at least a bit of it.   

So the three of them take over, my three new shrinks yet to get their names from me, they having me believe they had been out of the room while Ripley and Pete where talking to me. They started the whispering thing on me again.  They said they were giving me a ‘really nasty’ mental illness. They bombard me with this whispering faster than what I can hear. I had no choice but to sit there while they did this,. It turns out they were fixing what happened in January, the dopey trick that was slowly getting better. They were now raising my consciousness back to where it should go. I never noticed feeling dopey in the same way again after this. I remember feeling powerless and weak when they were doing this whispering, alone, afraid and confused. It was like being tied to a chair in a black room with people stood over you, intent on doing you harm, it was not nice. It scared me.

A faltering start

I mull it over, it just doesn’t seem plausible, I hesitate. I remember what happened when they hypnotised me, but I remember a little too much, it seems set up, it seems like lies, it just seems wrong. I can’t decide what to do, it plays on my mind a lot, I finally decide not to go to Hull.

They get me under again after a day or two of inaction, Again it is the grey beard guy as I am under in less than a second, again with just a fraction of a second to see his face. It is brief this time. He tries to bait me again in this session, not with logic though which would be much easier for me but with lies and programming. It seems he can programme different frames of mind in me when under hypnosis. When under hypnosis I seem to know they want to meet me and it seemed clearer in my mind, but when awake my mind is full of doubt, it is really quite strange how they programme these different frames of mind. They want me to think this game is real but it just seems wrong, a game and set up. I find again it isn’t very nice having this hypnosis done to me again, these people having all this power over me with no way to fight it or defend myself. One second I am sat in my living room the next I am paralysed, unable to move, in blackness surrounded by these people.

After these attacks I try to formulate some type of psychological defence, something to break me out of this hypnotic hold they have on me. I try to programme myself, I keep saying to myself over and over that when I am alone and afraid I have a phoenix to protect me, it has to be something easy to remember, something simple, something that would work again and again to wake myself up from this horrid control and help me fight it. I am a phoenix; I say this over and over.

Again I ponder all these strange goings on; I have no one for advice, all these possibilities going through my mind. It is only a trip to Hull but why would they go on the run like this, would Ripley and Pete be there after this time if they really were going on the run? Why is it all so messy and confusing? They get me under hypnosis again after a day or two of inaction; again it is the same, yet again through my T.V. I find when someone tries to hypnotize me in this way it is nearly instinctual to look straight into their glassy eyes even if you are not directly looking at them. Someone who is well trained can do this just about instantly.

The grey beard guy, grey curly haired woman and the tall thin man are there. Again I sit there catatonic under their control. I feel afraid, in a dark room and tied to a chair, they are all around me and all doing their whispering thing again, all looming over me. My programme I tried to implant comes to mind, I shout out ‘I am a phoenix’ (those who think this is a bit silly I say to you- what you would programme into yourself in this situation?). The guy with the grey beard asks me what I am doing, I tell him what I did, how I tried to programme myself as a defence, he says ‘it didn’t work, did it’ and sort of gloats about the fact. They try and messily get me to go to Hull again. Then it was over.

It takes me time again to piece my memory of this event together, as it does with me and hypnosis; it always seems to come back to me though. This is all to get me to go to Hull, but I can’t believe two agents in their right minds would meet me in such public place if they really were going on the run and so much else just seems wrong with all this. My intelligence tells me something is very wrong. It seems strange, set up, wrong, like lies. I bumble as I always do in these situations, analyse rather than react, not being sure and thinking over and over rather than just acting, just getting up and doing.

Around this time I become more interested in the structure I saw in my first drugging, I now know it is all real and look at it differently, I draw a simple little drawing, I draw my first picture of personality.

(ref. 8)

Begging for change

They hypnotise me again, again having to piece my memories of it together. The guy in the grey beard does it again, today he gets his shrink nickname from me, he always seems very astute and bright as we were talking, I simply said to him 'your bright as a button. I'll call you buttons' so his name was chosen; I must add he seemed quite pleased with his new nickname.

This time I am offered a high paid job and the chance to explore my abilities under hypnosis. They tell me I should dress as a beggar and go through to Hull where they would use this as an excuse to come and talk to me and whisk me off to a new life. It takes a few days for my curiosity to get the better of me, I am not at all sure but I decide to take a chance, I’m going to jump in.

I get my kit together to dress as a beggar, I decide to be careful just on the outside chance about what Ripley and Pete said, it couldn’t hurt and would change nothing. I walk round about ways to get what I need from shops and get it ready away from that infernal T.V I know they have a link to. I rub dirt from my garden into some old jeans in my hallway, I find it doesn’t have the right effect, I find soy sauce works much better, and I put dirty brown marks all over them. I buy a cheap reversible white coat, the mud from my garden does the job this time, to finish the look I get a crappy looking baseball hat, I’ve got my kit ready now, tomorrow I will go on my little adventure.

I wake up and get on it. I go get the train from Bridlington to make my way to Hull. I change into my stained begging outfit in the tiny train toilet, I manage to wrestle into it in the confined space, I check myself out in the mirror, and I really do look the part now. I get off the train before my stop and take the bus from Cottingham to be careful.

Just before the bus gets to Hull train station some women in front of me comment on how were only a stop away from the train station, we had just passed the university, and I decided to get off. I was to find it still a quite long walk to get there. I arrive at the train station, I don’t really want to sit down and beg. Well I’ve come this far; I sit down against a wall opposite the big war memorial opposite the station, I proceed to beg; asking the first person was hard but it gets easier person by person. For a couple of years I have been depressed and kind of hiding in my shell, not like the real me at all. I was stuck in my little ‘miserable job/smoke cannabis’ cycle. I found this begging to be highly therapeutic, it put me in such a good mood even despite the extreme circumstances. I found people would generally ignore my ‘excuse me, can you spare me some change please’ line, so I tried different things. I found calling women ‘miss’ always got a good reaction (lol, ever since then I have taken to calling women ‘miss’) and I got one whole pound for my effort. I must have looked the part because I got the attention of people in similar situations to a beggar. This guy just released from prison came up and had a chat with me, he gave me two pence for my tin before he left, and he said I wouldn’t get much money if he was there.

An hour passes with no sign of anyone from MI5 coming to talk to me, then a man dressed in a black suit and shades walks past me a about twenty feet away and at the last second before disappearing behind the wall I was sat against he looks straight at me. I see a black tuft of hair on top of his head (you know the bit I mean; the stubborn stuff on the top that refuses to go when all around it fall), but this tuft doesn’t match the rest of the hair, it looks dyed and not dyed well, I think it might be Pete as he has a similar tuft. I stand to follow and go around the wall, only to see from this new vantage point two policemen hiding behind a phone box near me and me with my begging tin £1.02 and all. I don’t want to get arrested for begging so I go the other way to see what will happen, I sit on some steps and watch. The two policemen go to the spot where I was begging, wait there and look around, presumably for me. I am spooked by this and decide to go on the next train home. As I wait for my train in my begging outfit I get a lot of looks but I don’t really care. I find this experience uplifting, some people look at me with such dirty looks I guess because of the way I was dressed, and I sort of think ‘screw you! I’m not scum’ when these people look at me in such a way. So I get my train home, though a little frightened, excited nether the less from this experience.

Ripley and the Phoenix

I get home and the instant I switch on the T.V they get me under again. I am in my black hypnotic world again. I think it is who I would later call Luke who does this hypnotic gaze induction, he’s a lot better at hypnosis than Buttons and can induce without enough time to even remember his face. This is Luke, not Original Luke but the shrink I had just mistook for Pete at the train station. They are all here in hypnotic contact with me, Buttons the MI5 department head, and the woman with curly grey hair who was to get her name today (seemingly his deputy) and all the rest apart from Pete. I think they must be broadcasting from somewhere within an hour drive from Hull station (I was yet to learn about the ‘near field’ quantum effect that facilitates this hypnotic communication and means it has short range). I guess they must have their own setup, at this time I think they will have had to rent a big studio or something but I guess it is possible to do this with a smaller setup, they could have been just down the street from me, and I guess they probably were. This is where everything changes; I am to find out what I really can do with my mind.

I am in an excitable mood from my little adventure and this is made more so from the effect hypnosis has on me, this is the first time they hypnotise me when I am actually feeling good. Ripley is here, I ask her if she’s alright, I tell her if they’ve hurt her I’ll fuck over their god dammed organisation and proceed to tell them how I will do it. I am not usually so forceful but under this hypnosis you tend to speak your mind. Also I have a strong sense of morality, I’m not usually like this but if it’s right it’s right. She seems flattered by all this and assures me that she’s alright. The experience is hard to explain again sensing her, who she is, I can feel what type of person she is, she seems tough but also bright, there is a fire; a certain passion to her, we talk a little. I don’t know at the time but I am falling in love (even looking back I stand by this statement, I know it was love and not just something hypnotic, hypnosis might help but I’ve never met another girl like her). It started the first time I saw her when our eyes met and we couldn’t help but smile at each other, I thought love at first sight was a myth, I was wrong. Luke comes into the conversation (or buts in might be a better term), he says ‘I think we should train him’, Buttons agrees. Then somehow Ripley shows me her consciousness, her hypnotic self, in my mind she is stood in front of me, I see a ghostly impression of her just a few feet away. I am shown how to do ‘the tennis game’, the technique to stop yourself feeling pain, I try to mimic what they have just shown me, I move one side of her conciseness/head up and the other side down then do the same in reverse a few times, I don’t think I am very good at it as Ripley comments ‘It is his first time’ probably to Luke. Luke buts in again and says ‘let him in your head’ (Luke is very forward and a bit brash), she is a bit reluctant. Luke and Ripley both bicker with each other saying ‘you show him yours’ and ‘no, you do it’. Then all of a sudden I am surrounded by a sparkling world of twisted strings. I am hovering just above a massive glowing yellow aura with these beautiful bright yellow strings with big twists all sparkling around and below me. Awe inspired all I can say is ‘it’s beautiful’, Ripley smiles and says ‘thank you’ then Luke being like he is has to but in so I can tell him what his personality is like. He has one massive twist on top of his super ego as I was to learn this part of personality is called, where Ripley has more twists but smaller (a key difference in male and female neurology/psychology). Luke shows me another place in his mind, a dark place this time, I see a dull grey structure in the middle and bottom of this head shaped place, he says ‘he doesn’t know what he can do in here’ (this is the place where tricks like the forget trick are done, it is to do with instinctual emotions), then I am out of this place again. I am transported back into Ripley’s personality, I can sense something now, something is wrong, I say this to her. She says ‘he knows what happened to me when I was a child’. I feel she has been hurt in the past, I can just feel…something wrong. Like it is second nature to me I move myself down to the area where I can feel something wrong. I find a stringy ball of grey amid all the bright yellow around me, Ripley says ‘he knows I was attacked’. I feel too powerful, like I could reach out and break these things if I wanted to, I don’t like it, not at all, I tell Ripley I want to leave- I can’t, I don’t know how to get out, I don’t like it, I feel panicky, then all of a sudden I am out. She is in front of me again.

We move on to trying something different, I imagine two warm blobs and move them around her tummy, like two little yin and yang’s going round and round in circles, I try to make them feel warm. Then I imagine water splashing up against her feet and gently flowing away, she giggles. Then I imagine having sex with her, I just thought about it for a split second but it was enough, she say ‘I can’t do this’, I try in vain to apologise but she is gone. I feel horrible; I need to learn how to control these abilities, these powers. Luke appears and says Ripley is fine and she thought I was good at the tennis game. He lied obviously, I’d upset her and it was the last thing I wanted to do. I want to explain to her how all I did was think about it and how I was sorry. I say how I don’t want any women in my mind until I can control these new found ability‘s, my thoughts and actions here seem like the same thing. Luke continues to talk with me, I try experimenting again, I am starting to be able to see my shrink’s bodies, and I see both myself and Luke’s whole body, before today people just appeared as ghostly floating heads. I was sensing Luke’s mind, it was very peculiar, and the sum total of a human being from front to back sat there, in front of me. I want to ‘join’ with him to learn what I can sense, I can sense all this information bubbling away in front of me and I want to know more. It isn’t like he is in front of me; it is like everything that makes up him is in front of me. We place our heads over each other’s and after a few seconds he put his penis in me (he’s gay by the way if you haven’t guessed) and he concentrates as hard as he can on it; infecting me with some sort of psychological associative disorder thing that was to cause a lot of problems for me. While he concentrates I relax my mind to try and tune into this information and take on board what I wanted to learn. I don’t like this penis thing at all, I split my body into two pieces down the centre, slide down and away and put myself back together to get away, Luke says ‘that didn’t feel very nice’ (he was yet to be eaten by a big purple monster though), Luke might be someone I like and became a friend but he is a typical man and thinks with his cock too much.

Now I start to experiment copying the impression I have of myself, my body, I call it phasing (I call it doubling now). I make it look like there are two of me, then four, then eight, then sixteen in a ball surrounding Luke, he counts them. Now I do something really stupid, I ask him if he wants to know how to do this as well, he says ‘yeah’, I am going to teach him how to do the same. I quickly jump onto his mind again, phase myself then jump off. He now can phase like me and does so, I have passed on my first ability (Electromagnetic Transference I call it now- EMT or joining as a nick name). At the time I am too caught up with these new ability‘s to think this might be a bad thing, I guess this was my way of trying to win them over. I now try changing the shape of my body again; ‘morphing’ it, I gaze down at my hand in front of me, I can see it, well an impression of it, and it looks ghostly and vague and not solid at all. I clench my fist, and then relax it; I move my hand around in front of me and wiggle my fingers. I figure if I can move this impression of my hand I can change it, I morph my right hand into long spike instead of a hand, and I put little teeth on it. Luke say’s ‘I want that’, he doesn’t even ask and jumps on to my mind, I don’t like it. I turn my whole body into a big purple monster (did you ever have a ‘my pet monster’ teddy bear as a child? It was just like that), I proceed to put him in my monstrous mouth and chew on him a bit, he says ’that’s not nice’ as I munch on his head then spit him out. He starts being a bit more civil now. I play with more morphing, I change my body into different shapes, then I think bigger, I make myself bigger into the shape of a building, I think ‘if I can do this, I can do this’....Me and Luke are now stood he middle of a city with sky scrapers towering all around us. I had generated my first reality (known as ‘quantum realities’ now a days but I like to just call it ‘gening’ as a nickname). I generate the YMCA guys walking past us in this new version of reality for Luke’s benefit, he thanks me, I find it hard to generate more than one member at a time, so the Indian comes past first, then the cop and so on.

I try doing summersaults in this city my mind has made to experiment with these abilities, I want to see if the world will spin around with me or if it would shake if when I did so, Luke tells me ‘it doesn’t shake’ when I ask him. This was the beginning of a fascination that grew in me with how this seeming ‘world within our minds’ actually works. I generate a forest, serene woodland with some rocks, a quiet running river and a deer in the background. Luke says ‘that’ll be alright for you’ in an off way, I gen a sharp pointy rock from behind the trees that pierces into his shoulder for been a dick, he says ‘that doesn’t bother me’, the rock grows larger, he reply’s ‘ok, that does’. Then my mind comes back to that fear, the fear of these people hurting me, I want something, something to protect me, to protect me from these people who have so much power over me. I take us into space, then to the sun, but it’s wrong, I can’t comprehend the size of it properly. I am looking for something powerful, something to protect me, how could I do this with my imagination as my only tool? I generate the earth then zoom in on it, we are standing in a city on it, then I move it away from beneath our feet into space amid the stars, and then the earth in relation to the sun, a pinprick in comparison but it was still wrong, I want to push what I can do but I can’t, I try a few more times, I give up, it is too hard.

Some time passes, me and Luke do some different things with gening, when the topic comes to Ripley being hurt, we just talk about how MI5 agents could be tortured, and I simply imagine it, Ripley tied to a chair, I imagine her alone and hurt, at this point imagination isn’t something to contemplate, it is something sat there, something in front of and all around of me. It is upsetting, someone like me is very empathic and there’s nothing worse for me than other people suffering. I don’t like it, I want my Phoenix. I take myself back to where I generated before and threw myself at it this time, what I did was to change me forever; I generate something that is more than just an image in my mind. I throw my heart into the field I generate, a massive star that sits in front of me, my eyes feel like they are seeing something too vast, I feel them shake from it, it feels strange to comprehend, I cannot hold the size of it in my mind, I collapse it down into a single point of light. It shines in front of me, a bright dazzling point of yellow light, it sits there shining, radiating a yellow aura, my phoenix. I wanted a way to protect myself and help people, I knew nothing of hypnosis and this seeming other world it has created inside my mind, I was trying to find how this world I could control with but a thought worked, I had found a way to create something powerful in it, I had found my phoenix. I move towards this shining point of light, I place it in the centre of my chest to keep it with me and for just one split second my chest feels; I can only describe it as my chest being filled with raw power, passion…just raw emotion, the feeling cuts off after an instant. I can only reason I pushed my emotions past some form of threshold. This is when I become a telepath, a made telepath. From this moment on my own and every other person’s thoughts can be heard in my mind.

-Emotions are a guiding light (ref. 8)

An explanation of a phoenix stone for any shrinks in the future who would like to give it a try- I generated a large reality; a sun, its colour was yellow which I associate with power and emotion in the mind, I threw myself at it to gen it this size; I mustered up my strongest emotions which filled the field, (my  eyes wobbled and I could not hold the size of it for long), I quickly collapsed the field into a point of light , you don’t just see it collapse, you feel and sense it collapse, It should glow like a little point of light and sparkle, I decided to place my stone in my chest (should I have gened pockets?) and there was a very strong emotional reaction which shut straight down- I guess I had pushed something past a threshold, a proper phoenix stone will generate its own emotion, this maybe variable- it will radiate emotion like a person does. I wonder who will walk in my footsteps and finish my work, one thing’s for sure it won’t be the bumbling Nazis who are in while I write this, though I am sure they will try and come across as the good guys somehow. This is a very powerful technique so anyone trying this with hypnosis should be very careful. (ref. 9)

I experiment with Luke generating realities again and one that comes to mind is my giant silver mechanical spider I generate by the Thames River in London, near my shrinks HQ. The spider is huge (compared to the buildings) and does a lot of gymnastic flying back flips arching its multi segmented back as it acrobatically jumps over London and the river, I gen it dancing in spiralling circles crushing buildings with its massive silver pointy legs. It jumps balancing on the top of Big Ben. The terrorist attack I had heard of on my shrinks HQ with the anti tank missile comes to mind, the terrorist gets gymnastically squashed by my mechanical spider. Me and Luke go for a ride on my mechanical spider, I gen him on top of it and I am down in the street from him, he looks smaller and far away, I ask him if he sees things from his perspective, ‘yes’ he reply’s which I find very interesting. We flip around the city for a while. We play in our new world, from the depths of the oceans, flying, to the far reaches of space from reality to reality. Within minutes I become bored of just making pictures, realities, I want to know about what I can’t see, why did my phoenix radiate? What is the difference if I moved it from one area in my mind to another? What is the opposite too it? What is the fabric beneath this world? Etc etc. It feels like there is this world sat there within my mind just waiting for me to explore and understand. I try once to generate a black thick oily field, an opposite field to that my phoenix but it doesn’t seem to do much.

Me and Luke have a half telepathic half vocal conversation on how we should work together,  he doesn’t want the others to hear this, he wants to help me it seems, I’m all for this, he seems young brash and extremely good at hypnosis, we would work well together. I cannot tell the difference between thinking and talking out loud though and the conversation does not go very well, he keeps telling me when I am talking out loud but I cannot tell the difference. I can hear Ripley again, she has come back, she tells me about ‘the love trick’ Luke is using on me, I didn’t know about the love trick until now, it isn’t very nice at all, having these strong implanted loving feelings towards him, you feel kind of abused when you realise these feeling are false. Luke goes, the sensation disappears. The stupid thing is I would have liked him anyway, I find shrinks are highly intelligent idiots a lot of the time. I say to Ripley ‘you could have come and told me’ in an upset manor, She is only half way in to see what’s happening, I see her as a floating head in the sky of one of my realities, my newly acquired conscious infection from Luke takes hold, this monster, what can I call it... ‘Penis thing that has a life of its own’. It doesn’t look real, more like an impression. It squiggles and is at least the size of my body, it sort of points at Ripley, it isn’t a sexual response at all, it is only dimly connected to my intellect but enough for it react to women and not men.

MI5 think at this point it is something from me, a real part of me, It came from Luke, when we joined and he concentrated on his penis as hard as he could, even I didn’t know this at the time, I just knew it was foreign to my mind. This ‘thing’ was horrible, I guess you could call it an infection of consciousness, Luke said he felt bad about this in the coming months as this got in the way of me getting my job, MI5 thought I couldn’t control my penis, this was their first reason for not giving me a job…there’s always a reason.

I want to show Ripley something, I want to do something nice for her, something for her to remember, something sweet. I ask her to come back in properly, she is hesitant, but she decides to do so for me. I concentrate so much on controlling this ‘thing’, it is not easy at all, I have to constantly try. I take her to the egg chamber from Aliens, the grey mist and eggs around our feet, I generate a face hugger, I make it scrabble up my arm, it sits on my shoulder. I ask her if she wants to hold it, she isn’t keen on the idea. Luke comes back in (he’s always got his nose where it doesn’t belong), I tell him to look into one of the eggs next to him, he says ‘no’. I tell him ‘I just want to show you something, “it’s okay”, he says ‘I know what you’re going to do‘. I smile and say ‘I just want to show you what it looks like’. He gets the face hugger attached to his face. I don’t really want him here anymore, he is being too pushy. I try blocking him out, Me and Ripley are now in the docking bay from the final scene of Aliens now, he is still here, I make walls which don’t work, big metal doors close between me and Ripley and him, I try different barriers but they didn’t work either, he can move through my realities. Ripley tells the other shrinks what it is now like in my mind- a three dimensional world (Luke neglected to mention this).  This leads to them all coming in to see it. They all hover as floating heads above me. My infection points at the woman with grey curly hair (LOL she’s like fifty), I try my best to control it. Buttons says something to intimidate me, it works and scares me, I jump straight over to behind Luke away from the rest of them, Luke says ‘don’t worry, I can control him’ to the rest of them. As I have stated before it is scary how they have so much power and can control me with hypnosis. Looking back I should have said ’I’ll do anything you want’, but it is just not in my nature to give in to bad people, I have a very strong sense of right and wrong; you don’t give in to the bad guys. I think the main thing was they wanted to control me, they could do that easily; they just had to be nice as it were, logical...the good guys like MI5 are supposed to be. I’m a lot easier to control like that. Why do they seem to want to control me through fear? Isn’t that something you should fight? 

Near the end of this event the others leave and I am left alone to talk with Ripley, I don’t know why (even now years in the future) but it feels like me and her were saying good bye, forever, this was to be the only time I ever feel truly alone with Ripley, I know I wasn’t really alone with her, but in my mind I was, it felt like I was. It is a fleeting aching moment that I know is slipping through my fingers like sand. I want to say lost in this moment, forever. I tell her I want her to have something, I want her to have my phoenix.  She tells me that I should keep it. I want her to have it- to undo what I had sensed in her, it just seems right to me. I without even thinking go back into her personality and place it within her mind, where it felt like she had been hurt, she says ‘don’t place it there’, I tell her ‘it is the best place for it’. I cut into the grey ball with my hand as a sharp blade and place my phoenix inside, then close the gap I have made. I say, ‘it will be there for you if you ever need it’. I come back to standing in front of her. She says it should be mine, that I should keep it. Without thinking I reach behind my back and return my hand holding another phoenix, I put it back into my chest.  It is exactly the same as what is now Ripley’s phoenix. Even if I could not have produced another I’d have still given it to her.

Near the end of my whole hour or so of training I think it is decided that I am a threat in some way (LOL, little old me). As stated I have some degree of fear towards Buttons and the rest, I felt powerless when they attacked me before. They all come in and attack me, I jump into Luke’s head, he shouts ‘I am a god in here’, I say ‘you’re a cod?’ He looks at me in a disheartened manor and says ‘no, I said I am a god’. I reply ‘A cod? I eat cod for breakfast‘, I turn him into a fish and proceed to bite his head off and spit it out. Buttons looms over me menacingly, he seems angry, like he’s going to lash out, I try match him; to loom over him but he quickly goes higher. I know how to access that ‘forget trick’ level, I saw it was through the top of the head (frontal eye field area of the brain) when Luke showed me. Buttons keeps looming larger and larger over me to stop me getting anywhere close. I know this level is there inside his mind, I focus on him, as hard as I can to take myself to what I know is there, I fail, it hurts my head to try, I try again and focus harder this time, it feels like punching through a wall in my mind, I have translocated (instantly changed location) into this level his mind, I have learnt an important new ability. (I still wonder about the ins and outs of what actually happens with translocation, is the hypnotic/quantum self in two places at once for an instant? This is a ‘bread and butter’ ability for someone learning my hypnosis.) Buttons goes completely nuts because I have got into this place and shouts at me in such an angry fashion, It makes me jump, I translocate back out, this time it is easy to translocate, like second nature. I hear Jane laugh and she says ‘it’s a big insult for a shrink to let someone get inside their head’. They continue to be crap and all attack me at once. I should think bigger, rather than translocate myself I translocate all of them, all into Original Luke’s head, he screams out, I immediately translocate them all out back out, and stand in front of him, it is like an instinctual reaction, I have no want to harm or scare him, I just want to protect myself, I feel bad about his reaction. Buttons says ‘we wouldn’t have been able to get out with him like that’.

They finally stop this attacking me business, I take them somewhere nice, I generate a tropical beach for all of them with palm trees, I give them all drinks and tell them to try them, I try to make them taste of coke as they strangely try to drink imaginary beverages, It is easy to make them feel cold and wet but very hard to gen a taste I find. This is where some of my shrinks get their nick names, I say to the grey curly haired woman ‘I will call you Jane’, there is a lot of fuss about this, I am asked how I know that name in a very serious fashion, I just state ‘she seems like a Jane’, I guess I hit the mark. Original Luke also gets his name (Luke at this time), Luke and the tall thin guy get called ‘the Thompson twins’ as they just seem to work so well together when they talk and interact, they make a good couple (it becomes very confusing calling two people Mr. Thompson, hence their future name changes)’

I say how I have to learn to control these abilities, I am not stupid, I know with power comes responsibility. I try keeping still and relaxing, I can apply my mind to these abilities easily but I need to make sure I can control them. I think of some relaxing lines and counting, calm blue ocean, five, a quiet mind, four (something like this). I keep saying them over to sedate and relax these new abilities from my mind, I get the order of my lines muddled up, Original Luke butts in to say 'he got that one wrong' in a smarmy way, he has a habit of butting in pointlessly and is a bit of a dick really. I can’t believe Pete actually left him in charge in my drugging; my life and hypnosis would probably be very different now if he didn’t; fate is a fickle thing indeed.

Luke tells me ‘you’re coming down, you’ve got your job’ smiles and seems in a good mood about this. They decide to tell me what they planned to do to me if I was arrested for begging. Luke says ‘if you gave a fake name to the police we were going to kidnap you as no one would miss a homeless person. Buttons says ‘we were going to use you as our eyes' (through narco-hypnosis undoubtedly like the first time I saw personality). Luke says ‘we would have probably let you go after a couple of years, but you wouldn’t have known which country you were in’. Buttons says ‘we want to learn how to infect people with mental illnesses with your abilities’, I laugh at him and say ‘just make the mind go in cycles’ he says ‘we’ve tried that’. I have always thought that it is much more important to fix mental illness, causing them would surely be a simple by-product of this. I don’t like his goals at all, they seem stupid to me.

Buttons says to me ‘we can drive you mad with your abilities’ and then ‘there are psychiatric techniques you don’t know about‘. This was an ominous statement, a reference of what lay ahead of me, what he planned to do to me. They say to me ‘you are going to forget about all of this’ (yeah right), they reach into my head, into my mind, and grab the right place, ‘Forget that’ and then I wake up. Memories flash straight into my mind.  I am left again to piece my shattered memories together. Over the next few hours and days it is like I live this experience over again as I remember it, it is overwhelming, it is a hell of a few days.

The science bit ‘Quantum Reality Generation’

First of all you will need to know where the quantum part of all this comes in. The brain on its conscious/aware level is made up of quantum particles called virtual photons. The brain has three different types of energy that work together- electrical, electromagnetic and quantum (virtual photons). These energies are symbiotic; effect of one effects the others. Electricity forms an electromagnetic field, an electromagnetic field forms virtual photons. They all work together to form the human mind. This kind of hypnosis is basically sharing electromagnetic fields between brains so these virtual photons from two people’s minds can communicate.

Quantum reality generation or gening as a nickname is the control of hallucinations under quantum hypnosis people can share. This can be done to create objects or full environments. These environments are three dimensional and are made up of photons and act as light would in reality. Virtual photons from the aware mind can seemingly be converted back into photons through mental concentration to create these hallucinations. This may shed light on how the Quantum universe is converted into the Electromagnetic universe, I don’t really know; I’m not a physicist.

Quantum reality generation seems to be easier in deep hypnotic states. Deep hypnotic states create different virtual photons, long lived ones (related to the sub conscious), it seems these virtual photons are easier to convert back into normal photons to create these hallucinations, that is why it is not possible to do this when not in a hypnotic state. Long term exposure to gening is highly addictive and can leave you feeling like reality is a computer game. I have always used gening as a communication/problem solving tool; either this, geinging on an imaginary screen or limited exposure may be a good idea. This is one of my three core abilities with quantum hypnosis. (ref. 11)

Part 2-

The Phoenix and the Dragon

Stop it, your bugging me

A few days pass.  It is now June 2003. I remember what happened under hypnosis very well, I don’t really know what to make of all this, who would? It is a little overwhelming. What will happen next? The T.V again? Them meeting me?  Today yet again everything changes for me, and not for the better at all. This is when my life becomes a blur, my mind becomes a storm of activity and I have to fight just to stay sane, this is when it really dose start to get difficult.

I am in my flat alone, it is afternoon, I walk into my kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I stand in front of my cooker and this feeling comes over me, my mind fills with an awful buzzing and gripping stress, my head veers down from this. I hear Jane say ‘you have to learn to control your penis’, not audibly but inside my mind. I see a vague impression of her head in my imagination above me and to the right, my infection takes hold; again this big weird impression of a penis points at her’, I lash out from this horrible feeling gripping me and shout out in my mind, I didn’t know what to say, It was lashing out plain and simple at this forced and awful intrusion into my mind. It is horrible, I just want rid of this awful sensation. She says ‘your phoenix has changed Ripley, she’s a lot different, she is happier; you could become a powerful healer’. This is what I want though I am still coming to terms with what I can do and how I might be able to help people with my hypnosis. She says to Buttons ‘I wasn’t expecting it to be like this’ in awe of this experience, I think they were expecting to be just voices to me, but it is much more than that, they are aware of everything my quantum conscious is aware of; everything I am aware of. From now on my mind is plunged into two different worlds, the normal everyday world all around me but now beneath the surface of this is another world, a world of blackness and phantoms, a world of conjured images, a world where imagination is reality. Buttons, Jane and Mr Thompson all stand in front of me, they all have long spikes with blades on their arms like the one I gened. They all lunge towards me and stab me in the stomach with them, it doesn’t bother me, I just look at them unimpressed, they seem surprised I just brush it aside, they seem a bit disheartened, Buttons tells me there is other things they can do. It is hard to remember much else after this, I don’t keep a diary at this time, when something like this happens you have one thing on your mind and one thing only, to stop it happening. I plead with them to just work with me in real life, how I just want to help people with the abilities I am finding I have, including them, after all they are MI5- the good guys. I now face a constant chattering of their voices twenty four hours a day. I find they can see everything I can see, everything I imagine, everything I think and feel, it’s not nice, this isn’t like normal hypnosis; this is very unpleasant. I do not have a very tough exterior but people like me are tough on the inside, this helps me cope with this. Buttons tells me they plan to do this for just two weeks. This night my shrinks are the first people to ever witness another person’s dreams, the first of many intruded and manipulated dreams for me; they see everything I dream. I wake up with vivid memories of constant activity while I slept, questions, experiments; psychological prodding and poking might be the best term. I soon work out I must have a transmitter of some sort either in me or about me, it must work like the T.V does with hypnosis, it isn’t nice, I want rid of it.

The science bit- ‘neural transceivers’

A neural/quantum transceiver (that I refer to as my bug) Is a device that makes hypnosis possible at a distance. It works much the same as the brain does for natural hypnotic contact at close range. It is a simple two way radio wave device that operates on a neural frequency (about 100HZ or less).From my experience the bug can be smaller than a lighter flint.

 The (quantum) conscious is made up of virtual photons, the end product of your brain waves. This is who you are, the mind you are aware of. Under gaze induction there is an instinctual reaction increasing your brain waves causing an increase in your gamma waves (the wave that binds the mind) expanding the size of this EM field out of the skull in both people so these fields over lap and these virtual photons can travel between these fields- between minds. It is sharing brain waves basically.

The Id/delta waves (your subconscious) in the mind are like a power station and provide power for the other brain waves, an epsilon brain wave stimulates the ID/delta waves under gaze induction and this provides the power for these gamma waves that make hypnotic contact possible. Basically all your brain waves increase under gaze induction.

What is known as a ‘near field’ effect (it is the same as how Wi Fi works) is how this quantum communication is facilitated; it is a shell around an EM field that lets these virtual photons travel in it. The ‘near field’ allows virtual photons to travel both ways (between a transmitter and receiver), this is how instinctual hypnosis works. A neural transceiver just increases the range of the ‘near field’ effect that gaze induction or instinctual hypnosis uses. Normal gaze induction has a range of only a few meters, with a neural transceiver it is extended to miles (less than four). I think the range will be determined more by the range of the virtual photons the brain produces rather than the size of the near field effect (as the near field can be quite a long distance with lower FQ waves). Its range of four or less miles tells me the bug has to be below 300HZ. Any FQ above neural FQ (up to 100HZ) will have a high pitched buzzing effect on the mind like static on a TV. Gaze induction or sleep is necessary to open the mind up to this communication; it is like upping the power of a transceiver, in the human brain the left cerebellum provides this power. (ref. 12)

I am around Ripley, Jane, Buttons, Mr Thompson and Luke a lot of the time now, I never do see Original Luke again though. I find them all very intelligent and we actually get on quite well, I’ve never really been round people like this before, I like intelligent people and my shrinks seem to fit the bill. They have a lot of character as well which I like. I do enjoy getting to talk and spend time with Ripley even with all the other shrinks there and through the stress of my bug, she smiles a lot as we talk, she has a tough exterior but I know she likes me. Ripley and Jane both seem to want to help me get my job, they seem to be very close friends, LOL Jane does try to push us together a bit, she just point out little positive aspects and the like, how we would suit each other. I start to grow an affinity towards Jane, we get on well, and she always seems wise and thoughtful and is the only one who can get through to Buttons. Buttons has a very angry side to him which comes out a lot. A day or two after I get my bug I am walking down the street thinking, which is becoming very much like talking now; I am not happy about all this stupid treatment and say, or is that think- ‘MI5? You guys couldn’t find your ass with a map’. Buttons goes absolutely mental at this statement and angrily shouts at me saying ‘you won’t be getting your fucking job now’ and the like. Jane says ‘he’s going to think things like that though’ to calm him down, being seemingly more astute than Buttons when it comes to the nature of telepathy. I like Buttons, he’s bright and sharp, I just think he has a few issues (shrinks can become a bit funny with what they practice) unfortunately he’s not used to people being so honest and brazen and doesn’t seem to like the fact.

I find my Phoenix is still in its place in my chest, all my shrinks have their own Phoenix stones as well now, and they religiously carry them around our hypnotic world. They can’t generate realities like me yet but they can do basic things like see, hold and move my phoenix stones and move around and the like. Their phoenix stones do not look like mine, you can only dimly sense the emotion from them, they are yellow octahedrons where mine is a shining point of light that has those little streaks; like when you look directly at a lamp posts light. Mine was meant to be infinitely small, the closer you look the smaller it is, not that I looked too hard, this is one of those things where it’s best not to think about it too much, the brain does way to much of that to be healthy as it is. I find my abilities are much different through this bug, vague and much weaker; watery. I find it harder to see personality now and I cannot sense the emotions from the part of the structure I am looking at like what I could before. I am in such a light state of hypnosis, I can gen just as well but not over my vision like in a deep state. My shrinks are in a deeper state of hypnosis than me and can see my gens properly. I find I cannot do a lot of things I could through the T.V, my shrinks seem more ghostly and harder to find and sense, I guess because of this very weak state of hypnosis; my abilities just seem weak. I soon start to use my imagination as a communication tool, it is not just a place for problem solving for me now, now not only a place for me. I gen images and sounds as I talk, I find it is so much easier to express my ideas and thoughts in this manor, I take to it like a duck to water. I am highly social, I like being around people, I like hypnosis, I really like communicating in this way but one thing is for certain; I do not like this damn bug.

I talk, gen and chat with my shrinks, were all quite bright, we all seem to enjoy this, this helps me stay sane but this constant stress eats away at me, you don’t get rest with a bug in you but you can find distraction at least. I call my new way of talking with my mind ‘associative communication’ as you associate images, sounds, words and even emotions all together. I find it so easy to express my ideas this way it quickly becomes second nature to me. I often make my shrinks laugh and smile with my gens, they might be secret agents and have to act all tough but they cannot disguise who they really are from me. Even through my bug I can sense my shrinks emotions well, I know exactly who is in my head, within seconds of a shrink coming in my head I am saying hello. Even when calm I sense the ambient emotions coming from my shrink’s minds, no particular emotion but the subtle soup of emotion we all feel and are largely unaware of, it gives me a very good impression of who they are as people. I find Button’s emotions hard to sense though, his emotions are very quiet, well apart from when he gets angry. Ripley one day tells me about something called ‘emotional suppression’, apparently shrinks practice this to make them more logical, I actually laugh at such a ridiculous idea, and they actually try and get rid of their emotions! Something just tells me this is a bad idea, it is like telling mother nature emotions were just a bad idea in the first place LOL. Everyone needs a little fire in their belly in my opinion.

My shrinks soon learn to generate realities like me, I am more than happy to teach and help them, this is how I plan to win them over, to make myself useful to them. One of the first things we all learn is how to gen clothing for ourselves. I gen different outfits, Shapes and colours fluidly change over my body until I find something I like, I gen something similar to a biker outfit, it is black, shaped, and padded on the shoulders and other areas, I like my new imaginary outfit. My shrinks generally gen suits to wear which I think is a bit boring. They do keep trying to attack me with hypnosis but I usually find a way to slip away from what they are doing. We can see personality and the ‘shrink net’ I saw in Luke’s mind at this point, it always looks vague through my bug and hard to perceive. I seem to have a lot more ability than them with this new hypnosis even through my bug, they can learn things but I have an aptitude to learn new things, I seem to learn much quicker than them and adapt quickly when I have to. I try my best to teach them how to get better at all this but try to hold back a bit, to try to get them to work with me in real life, this bug is horrid. I give them exercises with gening and the like to do to refine these abilities which I find I have a natural talent for, it makes me feel useful. I start with simple things, like if they can’t gen falling from space, through clouds, down into a city, into a building, into a room where we are all standing; I tell them to break it up into more manageable pieces then put the pieces together into one gen. I will tell one of my shrinks to practice something I have just taught them then they will often disappear for hours on end and come back much better at these skills. I start to find pride in myself at being able to train my shrinks in such a fashion and in my opinion train they well. I start to find all this new hypnosis both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever encountered, it all just feels like second nature to me, like it is what I was designed to do. I try my best to win them over, I don’t know why they won’t work with me in real life, I want to do all of this but I just cannot live like this, with a bug in my head.

Buttons has the agenda of wanting to cause mental illnesses in people, I don’t like and agree with this, I find this such a stupid idea frankly, I mean there are millions of people with mental illnesses we might be able to help and such a small minority of people who would deserve that type of treatment. I say to him ‘if you can cure a mental illness you could probably cause it’ to try and reason with him, I think this would obviously be the best way to work. He wants things like ‘the pain trick’, we discuss this, I think it is possible to induce pain, I think things like this should be a by product of this new hypnosis, not the main goal at all.

In desperation at what I am going through I tell my parents about what has happened, about Hull, the drugging being real, all of this, I really need help. I tell them how this has all come about and about the bug. At first they help me, they buy a metal detector to try and find where my bug is, and I think it may be in my clothing, they help me scan my clothing and body but we find nothing. I know it is somewhere about or in me though.

It is now mid June 2003, I am soldiering on as best I can, the stress is grinding me down, and it never seems to let up, it is like a marathon you just can’t stop running. I call what they are doing to me, this forced psychological analysis ‘micro analysis’, they look at my personality, my mind while dreaming and what I think and feel, pretty much everything is the subject of experimentation. Buttons gives me the impression they are going to turn all this into science, he looks like a Freud wanabe as it is with the grey beard. He says to me ‘we are going to write a book about Phoenix stones and translocation and phasing’, I know he is being funny with me, but it does seem there is a grain of truth to this. We all seem to want to understand our new hypnotic world, I find it fascinating. In my opinion the difference between a good scientist and a second rate one is the good ones can achieve without ever doing anything immoral, the second rate ones can’t.

I start to think this bug might be in a tooth, I don’t think I could pull one of my own teeth out, especially when I wouldn’t even know which one to pull out. I go to bed thinking the detector thing at the local court might detect it if I can get through it. I wake in the morning, I remember what feels similar to a dream, something happened while I was asleep. I remember Buttons saying to someone ‘I want you to break it’ I hear a reply of ‘people will know if I do that, I can crack it though’. Someone says to me ‘were taking the bug out of your tooth’, I bite down as hard as I can, and I hear a reply say ‘I knew you would do that’, that’s all I remember of this hypnosis done while I was asleep. I get out of bed, there is something wrong with my bottom right wisdom tooth, my tongue probes it, there is a big crack in it, I look in the mirror and I see where the bug was, there is a sort of groove, no bigger than a lighter flint. I am still ‘online’ with my shrinks so I know I have a bug in me still but where now? Buttons gloats and tells me I missed my chance, he even tells me he got the idea of putting the bug in my tooth from the ‘marathon man’ movie I only vaguely remember, I get gloating like this a lot, I just think it is unprofessional, it helps me learn their tactics so it’s fine by me. After a day or two I get told Buttons gets into trouble for cracking my tooth, it was just lashing out plain and simple and achieved nothing, I have to get used to this kind of thing. Who would have thought professional British agents could work in such a manor.

I start to find there always has to be two shrinks in my mind for this hypnotic communication to work. Often there are more than two but never just one, this is a clue to how the energy making this happen works. Lots of experiments come to mind as I start to learn of hypnosis both hypnotic and technological, I yet again try and make myself useful to them with my ideas, and I am a good problem solver when it comes to things like this.

This communication through my bug is tough, I bet having a bug like this would drive some people mad but I can be quite adaptive when I have to be, I think I would cope well in a submarine or a space craft, being highly social and getting on with most of my shrinks seems to help. I start to find something strange is happening to my mind, it is like my conscious is misfiring, I think little thoughts I didn’t mean to, it is like my thoughts are running ahead of me. I call this apparent side effect of having a bug in me ‘messy thoughts’, it feels like my mind is a bit out of sync. I do my best to reconstruct these messy thoughts, rather than except them as part of me I try and process them, they are related to what I am thinking so I just try to reprocess them, explain them to myself, organise them. Every time this happens I blurt out what becomes nearly a catchphrase it gets said that much- ‘messy thoughts’. I often gen a big stamp that prints ‘messy thoughts’ and stamp it on my current gen just to let my shrinks know (and I guess myself) it wasn’t something I meant to think.

I keep trying to win them over, to get them to work with me in real life and not through this infernal bug. Ripley and Jane are on my side and want to help me, they actively give me advice. Buttons certainly doesn’t want to help me. Luke seems to change his mind, we do work very well together, I and Luke both stand out as the best at hypnosis, we are very opposite to each other which just seems to work. Mr Thompson is quite quiet, he always thinks before he acts, I don’t know if he wants to help me, he is in a lot when Luke is; they make a very good team. Luke is always rushing in but if he’s going to make a mistake Mr. Thompson gives him a little prod to stop it happening, they just seem like there made for each other, this is why they originally got the nickname ‘The Thompson Twins’. Mr Thompson has taken this emotional repression thing quite far and seems quite the observer, he is very logical but I always say to him he needs some fire in his belly. I feel a heavy calm soup of feeling from Mr Thompson, though I find the only specific emotion I feel from him a lot is when he laughs at my jokes or gens, he has such a unique laugh, he laughs like Santa clause, it is such a belly laugh, it feels like he is some huge strapping guy which is not the case, from now on I call laughter the un-suppressible emotion.

I find out about Id rate as I am to call it from seeing my own and my shrink’s personalities. Some people have higher Id rates, it is like the power running through the brain, and you can easily tell as a higher Id rate means having a much brighter personality, everything is brighter, you can also sense emotions from a high Id rate person much stronger. I seem to have a very high Id rate, girls seem to have higher Id rates in general compared to men I am to find. I soon work out Id rate is basically psychological ageing, we start off high Id as babies and lower as we age.

-We are little to learn and grow to know (ref. 13)

Ripley one day tells me there are shrinks at the European court of human rights, shrinks like them, people who would help me, I take this information onboard. I apply for my passport in case I have to go there, it costs a lot of money, I am on the dole with no resources and it is a lot of money but I really might need it. I try sending an email from the library to the court just saying I need help, I am new to even sending an email so it takes a while and I am doubtful it will even get to them. The responsibility of what I can do is starting to sink in now, how I could help people with my abilities. I keep trying to get them to listen to reason. ‘And’ is usually the most common word used in our speech but not for me, it’s ‘job’, it will probably read on my gravestone ‘all I wanted was a fucking job’. There is so much at stake, we could achieve so much together; we could do so much for our country. Jane once said the government needs people like me, I don’t see why I am any different from my shrinks, don’t they realise what we could do? If they wanted stupid money and power wouldn’t that be a by product of helping people? Even if we cured just one mental illness, I don’t see why they won’t work with me.

It is now late June, for weeks now I have had these messy thoughts to try and control, hypnosis in person is not like this, it must be something to do with this awful stress feeling I am getting through this infernal bug. My friend Sam who lives upstairs randomly invites me to go to his parents in Flamborough for the night, it is all on the spare of the moment and I decide to go, his parents have a computer and I might have more luck getting emails through. We arrive in Flamborough, it is a quite scenic costal village. Me and Sam decide to walk to somewhere called Thawnick bay near there, it is a beautiful bay I used to cycle to with my best friends when I was younger. We walk down the steps down the grassy cliffs to the beach, there is a little path you can walk around to find a secluded rocky bay, and we chat and walk together to this secluded spot. There is still the occasional chatter I am getting used to of voices in my mind though they seem quieter, I decide to wander off by myself and sit on a quiet ledge. I look out at the sea, it feels strange in a way, it feels serene and quiet and peaceful, I don’t realise what has actually happened. Soon my shrinks who I thought were just being quiet appear in my imagination, I hear one of them comment on how they have got me in range again, I sense their emotions, their presence again. I suddenly realise the voices I was hearing were from my own mind and not my shrinks, my shrinks were gone and I didn’t even realise. While I sat looking out at that sea it would be the last time I was to ever feel that type of peace again, the last time in my life I would ever be alone.

Sam and I walk back to his parents from the bay, they are nice enough to let me use their computer. I send an email to the European court of human rights, in the hope of getting some help, I just don’t know where to turn, and I hope this will get me the help I need. I hope using a computer that my shrinks are new to might help my email get through. While I am writing my email I meet a new shrink, herself impression in my mind has long blonde hair, tied back it seems. I type something she doesn’t agree with on the computer and she shouts at me, I jump out of my skin from this LOL, she seems a little surprised I react in such a way. I know I know nothing of computers and emails and even less about fighting a secret service intent on being horrid to me, but I know MI5 will have some of the best hackers there are, also I have a neural hack with my little bug so every password, every email, god even every idea  will all be known about. I need to find a way around this.

In Flamborough I am thinking to myself about this bug. Where is it? How big is it even? The hole in my tooth suggests it is about the size of a lighter flint or smaller. It is somewhere in my damn body, I’ve figured that out. The last one I know was in my wisdom tooth, where could the damn thing be now? I try thinking of what I would do if I worked for the secret service, if I was putting a bug in someone myself. I think to myself, wouldn’t it be much easier if you had a bug that could dissolve itself, with a sack of acid you can trigger or something. Buttons says to me ‘that’s what your next bug is going to be like’. Telepathy is a bitch indeed sometimes, especially for someone like me who thinks too much.

I get a good night’s sleep at Sam’s parents. The new shrink is there again today, I can sense her like the others, and she reminds me of a school teacher or headmistress in her emotions, I feel a certain sense authority and confidence from her mind, she seems nice though, I decide to call my new shrink Ice Queen. She isn’t here for long though, later this day, my shrinks are messing with me, I haven’t seen Ripley for a while and they convince me she has tried to help me, that she tried to help me; save me, and they killed her for this, they convince me, I believe them. My mind fills with pain and anger, if they did kill her it would have been for doing what is right. I have never felt like this before, I know she is a good person, I know this, and shit like this should never happen, an awful soup of angry painful emotion runs through me. I hear Ice Queen say ‘I can’t do this’ and this is the last time I ever see Ice Queen. I soon find out they were laying to me. Very soon a new shrink comes in to take her place, she pretends to be Ice queen for a while and the name sticks with her instead. I decide to call the first Ice Queen Nell instead when I talk about her in the future after I realise this little switch. Nell reminded me of a lawyer from the T.V show Alley Mcbeal of the same name so the name seemed fitting. I will always think well of Nell, she had the moral strength to stand up and say this is wrong, maybe she couldn’t help me but she walked away from what she thought was wrong, what would happen if they all had the strength to do this? Later on I am alone in Sam’s parents kitchen, I am getting a lift home shortly, I know if I get a scan it might show up the bug, surely that would end this, but how do I get my scan? If I show up at the hospital and say I have a bug in me I don’t think I’ll get one. I need an excuse to get a scan of my head, I figure if I hit my head hard enough I’ll have to have a scan done. I find a rolling pin but I am not too sure about smacking myself on the head with it (you know your life is crazy when stuff like this starts to seem like a good idea). The kitchen bench looks hard enough to work but not too solid to do anything serious. My shrinks tell me I would need to crack my skull to get a scan. I know the skull is really tough at the front; it is designed to take impacts there. I figure a blow to the side might be more effective. I take a breath and do it, I hit the side of my head against the work bench. It hurts but there isn’t even a proper lump forming, I didn’t do it hard enough I don’t think. I have to do it again, this time harder. I take a breath, this time I jump in the air and smack the side of my head against it properly. Right; hospital, scan, find bug, freedom. I get my lift with Sam back to my flat in Bridlington and head to hospital. As I walk to the hospital I start to feel dizzy and confused, my memory seems to be effected also. Jane is in, my shrinks are also strangely affected by the concussion I have given myself, they come across confused like me. Jane comments ‘don’t let him know it’s affecting us as well’. Telepathy and empathy can be like that a lot.

I get to the Bridlington hospital A&E and tell them I have fallen and hit my head and think I have a concussion. I don’t get my scan, just a quick check over and sent on my way. Dam it, right, I’ve not given myself fucking concussion for nothing. I’m going to another hospital, I’ll say something different this time. I get the train and go to Scarborough hospital A&E, I get there and get to see a foreign doctor, I know a fracture stings so I say it really stings when I touch the bump on my head, I tell him I think I have cracked my skull, he assures me I haven’t. Somehow they find out I have already been to Bridlington hospital. I get a telling off for wasting their time and resources and am told to leave, they are not happy with me at all. Usually I would feel so guilty about something like this; I have a very British streak and am usually too polite to do anything like this. I have to develop the mentality in myself of ‘if only you knew you’d understand’. I leave the hospital without my scan and nothing but a lump on my head to show for my efforts.

At this time I am still trying to find help from my family, they are my family; if I could count on anyone surely it would be them. I even say to my parents if I got some proper legal help and a few resources I could get out of this, I say they should even sell their house if that’s what it takes, they don’t seem to realise what is at stake. I know my life is on the line with all of this, even my sanity. I figure if with just an hour of training being able to outdo the best hypnotists from the SIS they would probably pay me quite well for what I can do, and not to mention all the pointless crap they have put me through. It sounds extreme asking your parents to do this but if I got through this I am sure they wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore.

My passport will be arriving soon, if there’s no other choice I’ll get to the shrinks at the European court of human rights like Ripley told me. I wish she was in more, I’m in way over my head and she can help. The day before my passport arrives I am at my parents, they say I can have a brain scan done, like I have being trying to get, they say the hospital will do one for me, this is good, this is what I need, I am all for this, I agree to go.

It is the 30/7/2003, I am going to hospital tomorrow to get my scan.  I decide to sleep at my parents. I sleep downstairs in the conservatory on the sofa. My parents and brother go upstairs to bed, I start to drift off to sleep on my sofa, while I do so Jane is in and so is someone unfamiliar, someone new. I don’t sense any emotions from this new shrink, all the others I can weigh up, the only thing my hypnotic instincts tell me about this new shrink is I should stay away from him, it’s hard to describe, just a little feeling. As I am starting to drift off to sleep, the new shrink comes close to my quantum conscious; the hypnotic impression of my body. In a creepy fashion he says ‘I’m just going to bring you in a little deeper’, he deepens my state of hypnosis, the hypnotic world becomes more solid around me, he proceeds to put his penis in me, Jane says ‘don’t do that’, he ignores her and carries on. It doesn’t last long, he says to me ‘be glad you are not a woman or you would be getting raped a lot’. I stay half asleep ‘I will call you Sleeping Rapist’ his shrink name is chosen. He did this because my frequencies are stronger than other peoples, my impression of my body is stronger than that of my shrinks, he did this so he would be able to feel sex sensations better under hypnosis, I don’t know yet how bad it is someone like this having my abilities. I am not particularly impressed with this event, I could teach my shrinks something like this just by holding their hands for a while and tuning into their frequencies, I get a lot of shit like this at this point, I tell them I will train them if they are just nice to me and listen but they never listen unless they have to. I now drift completely out of consciousness on my sofa, I now fall to sleep properly.

What happens tonight is another event I will live twice, both while I experience it and then again when I remember it. This time it is a bit different though, it is not just remembering what happened under hypnosis, it will be reliving events programmed into my mind. It is a Neuro Linguistic programming technique (NLP) though the term Neuro Sensory Programming may be more fitting as it is mixed with reality generation. NLP is basically putting things into the subconscious mind, this can be done without you knowing and when you remember this ‘programme’ you will relive it when you hear something like a word that ‘triggers’ it. For me some of this experience happens in the conservatory at my parents house and some of it happens laid in a bed on a psychiatric ward days later, sounds weird? Try living it, that’s weird.

I am in my parent’s conservatory, I am seamlessly moved from sleep into a hypnotic state; I am in ‘the control level’ as I am to call it, the zombie state of hypnosis. I am unaware of a lot; my mind is under deep control.  Ripley is there, she is actually in the same room as me, I actually don’t know how I would feel if I wasn’t in the control level. She wants me to see her face while I am awake, to look at her properly in person for the first time; she wants to wake me up. They pull me out of my trance. All of a sudden I am sat on the sofa awake, I am thrown into consciousness, in an instant there are people in the conservatory with me. Ripley is knelt in front of me, Luke and Mr Thompson are stood by the T.V; they both wear black suits. I get my first brief glance of Mr Thompson in person, he is tall and thin. Sleeping Rapist is stood by the sliding door into the house at the edge of my vision. My eyes instinctually dart to Luke’s, he’s wearing his hypnotic glassy eyed look and staring directly at me. Luke was probably screwing with Ripley at this instant, he knows your eyes always dart to a hypnotist wearing that look. I am straight ‘under’ again. Ripley is a bit miffed I looked straight at Luke, I recollect this, and she wants to try again, so I look at her. She comes closer this time, they bring me round again, this time I come round with this big face in front of me which frankly is just scary, I jump out of my skin, I am put straight under again, it didn’t have the right effect I guess. I hope Ripley reciprocates at least some feelings I have toward her, does her doing this prove she feels something for me? She wants to give me something nice to remember of this maybe?

I then remember something unpleasant happening, Ripley stealing my sperm, I couldn’t move or even think about what was happening in this hypnotic state while it is happening, I just remember it. Some device is put at the base of my penis, the device shocked the base once, a little semen came out, the second shock more and it was collected. It made me ejaculate so they could get my semen for some reason, why though? Buttons said to me around this time ‘you don’t know how much people will pay to be guaranteed an intelligent child’ but I don’t know if this is why, why else would you need someone’s sperm? I know for a genetic analysis blood or even hair would do. I don’t like the idea of having children who will never know me, I wonder about this and don’t really know how to feel about it. I get told my sperm count is particularly high, this comes up on a couple of occasions, and It sounds like their telling the truth.

Sleeping Rapist then wants to know what his personality looks like, like Luke and Ripley did. He opens his mind to me. All of a sudden I am inside his mind, I am in his personality, in his super ego, for some reason I am straight in at the bottom of his super ego, not at the top where the twists are like when I saw Luke and Ripley’s. It looks different to the others, it is much dimmer, I see a line of super ego traumas, “wot nots” as I call them in front of me, not like mine and Ripley’s but darker and dirtier all lined up. It looks like there are about six or so all sat beside each other. Sleeping Rapist lashes out in anger when he sees them, I am thrown back outside of his mind. I formulate a hypothesis on where these traumas came from, I think they may related to killing people, I have heard you always remember the look in a victims eyes when you kill them, I think it might be from this. Looking back I am not sure if this is right, I was to find out more about Sleeping Rapist over time; what he actually is.

I am not with it through this, this time the hypnosis is more subduing, like most of my mind is shut down, I guess level 3 or 4 (deep) hypnosis. They now mess with me trying to make me think Richard Deerlove is in my mind, they say he’s coming and an impression of him appears by the TV. I think he is there but through my bug, there is a gen’d impression of him. I try showing him some of what my abilities can do, I tell him I can take him anywhere, I gen a street with houses. I say I could even make it look like his own house, I gen an impression and take us to the door, I gen a house number, little stars fluidly float around the changing numbers, I ask him what number to gen, Ripley jumps in and stops me, she isn’t happy. She says if he was there they would have got into lots of trouble. Sleeping Rapist does not seem to like me at all; he is very adversarial and even nasty towards me. He directs some off comment I can’t remember to me, I say to him ‘ask yourself this; why are you such a dickhead’? He comically thinks out loud ‘why am I such a dickhead’?. He isn’t very happy at thinking this out loud.

I am now taken to a more familiar state of hypnosis, the conservatory quickly grows darker and darker as my hypnotic state is deepened until blackness surrounds me, and I am back in the hypnotic world properly. This is when the programming starts.

Damion V’s the mental ward

It is the 31/7/2003, I wake up at my parents in the conservatory and recall bits of being under during the night, I can’t believe they got into my parents house. I get ready to go to hospital to get my scan and a chance to get rid of this bug.

I arrive at Buckrose ward at Bridlington hospital, I don’t really know what to expect, and I am taken into the day room. They tell me I have to stay on the ward to get my scan, I don’t want to get locked up, I just want my scan doing. I don’t want to stay here but the nurse says I have to be a patient to get it done. They tell me I will get it done in a couple of days. They ask me to sign a piece of paper saying that I am coming in as an informal patient, it doesn’t sound so bad. Just after I sign this very simple innocent looking piece of paper Luke says ‘you sign away a lot of your rights signing that’ and ‘you wouldn’t think so from a little form like that’ and he was right. Later that day I decide I want to leave the ward to get something from home. I get told by a nurse I can’t leave, I don’t like the sound of this at all. In an instant this hospital ward closes in on me, it now starts to suddenly feel like a prison, this isn’t good. All the trouble I am in and now the thought of not being able to do anything about it; to get help; it is not a nice thought. I am now introduced to something I would hear a lot of in the future from mental health nurses. I say to the nurse ‘I am an informal patient, you have no right to keep me here against my will, I have done nothing wrong’ in reply I get ‘you have to see a doctor before you can leave’ I say ‘I want to see a doctor so I can leave then’ and in reply I always hear ‘you will see the doctor on Wednesday’. It becomes a twisted catchphrase in my mind after time. You don’t know how many times I have to hear this fucking statement. Buckrose is not a locked ward at this time, I walk off the ward and head home, I tell them I will come back, after all I need this scan doing, It might help me end this. I make my way home and do plan to go back, I am not back long and I hear a crashing thudding on my front door, there isn’t even a ring on my doorbell, the room shakes as my door is hit over and over, my door is being broken down. I have a very strong fire door and it withstands a few hits. I am not even given the chance to open my door before it is battering rammed. I go to the door and ask ‘who is it’? ‘It’s the police’ I am told. I go to look through my spy hole to make sure it’s them, the door is battering rammed again, it thumps against my eye as I look, It crosses my mind they meant to do that. I open my door with its newly acquired crack right down it, they nearly got through. I am bundled me into a police car, I am taken back to Buckrose ward. I am now imprisoned in body as well as having a neural transceiver implanted in me, this isn’t good.

I am back at Buckrose, it is evening. I get given a bed in the corner of a dormitory with five other patients. I don’t like this feeling of being trapped, not being able to leave without being hunted down like a criminal. There is a smoking room and a kitchen to make yourself coffee, I take in this environment, my new prison. Soon; Late at night I am laid on my hospital bed, Ripley and Jane are in, they trigger their implanted programme, I don’t know what the trigger is, it is just a word that triggers the sub conscious memories they put in, new memories from in the conservatory roll through my mind, I live though the rest of what happened that night, a strong feeling of de-ja-vue comes over me while I remember; as I live out the programme.

It is just after the conservatory goes dark and I am in the hypnotic world.  My shrinks are floating near me in the blackness. I do not feel completely awake or alert in this state. For some reason I am told I can’t have my phoenix any more, Ripley tells me this, I never do find out why they want to do this. It is in its usual place in my chest. They reach out to take it from my chest, Ripley says, we will leave a little bit of it. My phoenix is moved out of my chest, they pull most of the light it shines away from me but a little point of brightness, a small part of it is left behind, a little tiny point of light is left. Ripley says to me ‘it will be there if you ever need it’. I say ‘it still feels the same’. Sleeping Rapist comes over and takes this little point of light away. An empty feeling hits my mind, the emotion my Phoenix radiates disappears. I might not have a point of light in my chest anymore but it stays with me what Ripley says. I am laid in my hospital bed still, Ripley sits next to me in my imagination while this is going on, as I lay there in two worlds living two experiences, it feels nice having her there next to me.

I can tell something is happening to me as I lay there, there doing something to me. My shrinks are learning about manipulating personality with programming, this NLP stuff mixed with my hypnosis. Over the last month or so they have actually worked out about my conscious infection, this stupid penis thing I have to control when the girls are in, they know it is not a natural part of me now. They are doing something in my mind, in my personality. I lay with Ripley in my hospital bed and a feeling of relief floods over me, whatever they do feels wonderful, like a horrid pressure being released from my mind. Buttons comes out of my personality and is now next to me and Ripley and in an angry tone says ‘I’m not doing this if he‘s going to enjoy himself‘, Ripley explains it is relief not pleasure. Buttons goes back into my personality. Anybody who saw me laying here would think I was just a normal person laid in a bed maybe day dreaming but the world around me is oblivious to all these happenings, it is a hard thing to describe as are a lot of my adventures in hypnosis. From this point the conscious infection just disappears, it is gone forever, I no longer have to constantly have to try and control my mind while the girls are in, and I hope this will change things, if it was a reason for not working with me in real life it is gone now. Buttons says they got this infection just in time, maybe a clue to how long it takes for something to sink down the super ego and become more permanent, you might think I would know something like this with my abilities but I have to learn on the hop as it were, at no point ‘like ever’ (looking back) have I had the chance to quietly look at a structure, change it and come back to it to see how it changes and develops. I find if I do experiments or try and learn something it has to be quick; my two second rule, you get about two seconds before someone knows what you are doing and gets involved. My shrinks don’t really want me understanding all this, all that I learn I have to fight for. The rest of the night passes uneventfully, well uneventfully by my standards; I think and gen as I always do and fall asleep. I hug a pillow as I fall to sleep, I feel alone and worried and wished someone understood what all this felt like, my shrinks try to bully me about this; I say it is psycho emotional projection to make it sound psychiatric, I just wish someone understood, I wish someone was there, I don’t want to feel so alone. I fall asleep thinking of Ripley.

I am soon introduced to a Spanish doctor, Dr. Cappuccino (on Wednesday LOL), he is the ‘new’ psychiatrist at Buckrose, now my psychiatrist. I tell him about my situation, I don’t know much about hypnosis at this point but I do know it is being used on me and it works through this bug, I can deduce a certain amount from this, I know things most people just wouldn’t about hypnosis. I recall a lot of what happened when I was drugged and tell him about this, I tell him the psychological techniques like the NLP that have been used on me and the effects of the drug they gave me. I try to get help from him but it soon becomes apparent he’s not there to help me, not at all. He brushes my questions aside, he will not listen to me, in fact he won’t listen to logic or reason at all, and he is not at all what I expected a psychiatrist to be like. I thought they would be bright, well rounded, caring, I thought they would be really nice people, they understand the mind after all; surely this would make them better more understanding people right? He doesn’t even come over as intelligent, this isn’t good; he has obviously got his own agenda. He decides to put me under a section and tells me I have to take a drug called Olanzopine. Apparently I have no say in any of this. I am not even an informal patient anymore, I am a real prisoner now and they are going to make me take drugs which are going to affect my mind and brain in some way, this is not a good situation to be in, this is bullshit.

In my meetings with this Dr. Cappuccino over this time I find he would often be wiggling his pen and moving his hands in rhythms, I know it is some basic form of hypnotic induction but I don’t know how it works, with my abilities I can see my own conscious move down my personality as this happens, it is difficult to move it back up I find, it makes me feel dopey and I find it hard to converse properly when he does this, what can I do though? This doctor is part of this abuse, this much is obvious. He is part of the secret service or controlled by them. There is no one I can ask for help trapped in here, my family think I’m getting help here. I don’t know how much hypnosis is being used on my family like it is me, in the coming months it becomes more apparent, at least I know to fight it, it’s people who are unaware of this I feel sorry for. My parents seem to stop listening to reason with me about all this, I do try but it never gets anywhere, it is like they won’t listen to simple logic.

I am stuck in my prison with no one to help me, I feel so alone though I never am. It seems in this society if you have a bent psychiatrist you are in a lot of trouble indeed, judge jury and executioner all in one. My parents won’t help me get out of here; they are being told all this is to actually help me by this doctor, if only they knew the truth. I find it is hard being cut off from any support, I am going through all of this and they are just oblivious to the truth, it starts to look like I really am by myself against all of this.

A lot happened in hospital- it was horrible, I was constantly tortured, the shrinks made out it was to see if I was good enough for a job-it was just torture plain and simple.

They start to treat me worse now, it becomes more like focused abuse rather than prodding and poking. I am not used to this hypnosis and psychological abuse at this point, all I want is to work with them in real life, my job, I don’t see why this can’t happen, and I cannot live like this. I don’t know a stronger way to say I am under 'extreme stress', if I did I would use it. I am starting to get exhausted from all of this.

They start to play a torture game with me. They tell me I have to quit smoking, then they start abusing me any way they can. Buttons and Sleeping Rapist are the ones who are torturing me, when they are in it is constant abuse. Sleeping Rapist is different from the others, he seems fixated with this abuse, Buttons is an angry type but Sleeping Rapist seems to actually enjoy it. They start to constantly make me believe Ripley is being tortured, showing me awful things using gen’s. I know not to believe it but doubt often forms in my mind and it hurts, it hurts a lot. I am very empathic so things like this are horrid to me. Even simple words like rape or torture make me cringe and feel unpleasant, they always have, I am not sure if it is to do with my imagination, words I guess have always conjured images in my imagination. I keep telling myself Ripley is fine and it isn’t real but I find it very hard.

Jane is in a lot when Buttons and Sleeping Rapist are not. Jane always works with Mr. Thompson, Luke and Ripley, though I see Ripley less and less. When Jane and the others are in and the torture stops I feel like I want to just collapse, it is getting harder and harder to push myself. I find it harder to go without smoking when Jane is in, to try helping me stop smoking they implant bad reactions to having a cigarette but I still smoke. Quitting smoking is hard but not that hard, it’s hard when you’re in a mental ward with a bug in you and you are being tortured. It is funny how they seem to need an ulterior motive to torture people, they like to blame the torture on me in some way, and I guess it’s hard to just admit there doing something evil and it’s wrong. Something I am to find in the future about this kind of abuse; there’s always a reason.

A letter to Buttons

I write this years after we last spoke. You never seemed to like me but I had respect for you, bright as a button as I am sure you will remember I called you and I respect the job you do, you make a difference. If you spent some more time with me I am sure I would have won you over, I’m not that bad really. Many times over the last few years I wish I could have got a simple message to you, something I know you would have acted on, one simple sentence; Sleeping Rapist is a child killer. I know how you will feel when you read this, I’ve done my best to do what’s right. At least one of us has got him, well found out what he is at least. I know you would do your best to get justice for these children. I was completely unaware of what he was, not just an actual rapist but a paedophile also (it took me years to find this out), if I had found this out back then, at this point in my book maybe things would have been much different. You and MI5 would have gone nuts, you all hate paedophiles (you know firsthand what they do to poor children) and here was a very dangerous MI6 trained one who was right beneath your noses. This is why your department in MI5 existed in the first place, for people like him. You might not have got him but I have found out about him, I will do my best to get justice for those children, I just wish you were here to help. I hope when you read this you think better of me, Damion. (ref. 14)

I start to get to know more of Sleeping Rapist, he’s pretty thick but is obsessed with hurting people so he will happily abuse someone all day long purely just because he enjoys it (abuse and sex seem related in his mind, you can feel it), I think he is an-hedonic , unable to experience joy, sex and abuse are the only forms of pleasure he gets I think, probably due to those super ego traumas in his mind.

Sleeping Rapist keeps manipulating my emotions, from what I feel for Ripley and the pain I feel worrying for her, my shrinks with their ‘old hypnosis’ have a lot of control over emotions, I just have to try and be adaptive and strong. Sleeping Rapist obsessively and constantly manipulates my emotions, he eventually stumbles on a way to bond my fluctuating emotions through this day and night abuse. He finds this more out of obsession rather than anything. My feelings go from pain to love quicker and quicker until it becomes one emotion, until it is bonded together. It is horrible, a profound stress comes over you in your tummy. It is enough to make your groan out loud. After some time this trick becomes undone I guess from my real emotions reasserting, my emotions well up until I start crying and I can feel this horrible feeling break and go back to normal. Ripley is quickly brought in while this trick is on to see what has been done to me as I lay there on my bed in my mental ward. Ripley says ‘if he’s stuck like that I really will marry him’, I guess that’s what her bosses wanted her to do to ‘control me’, she could have at least lied to them and got me down and in my job then just ditched me if she didn’t love me back. I don’t see why this is relevant, why would who I chose to be with have anything to do with my job? If I didn’t think I could do this job or I would mess it up I wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t ask for it in the first place.

Sleeping Rapist obsesses over this trick a lot constantly messing with it, it can be done to different degrees. I remember crying would fix it but Sleeping Rapist was always there to manipulate my emotions, he would let me cry the littlest bit and then suppress the emotion so the trick wouldn’t break, I had to get used to this happening all the time. Within this stay in hospital he stops messing with it, He tells Ripley it is switched off and he won’t do it again.

He lies to her, he leaves this trick on but not as strong as it was, it results in me not being able to feel love properly, and I guess also the other painful emotion because these emotions were bonded. In the future he would not let me cry, I would start to but it would be suppressed, he enjoys doing this kind of thing and is very obsessive. After so long I just forgot this trick was on, I thought it had been undone. I did not know it was still there, it was a very long time after this but someone, someone very important to me came along and showed me it was still there.

I’ll write a little of just generally what I do in my time under section, I do some exercise on this stepping machine, not like me at all because I hate exercise, strangely enough Sleeping Rapist doesn’t like the feeling he senses from me when I push myself on this machine and my legs ache, he actually suppresses the ache I get from it. There are a lot of jigsaw puzzles, hundreds of the damn things, like some insane psychiatrist thought that jigsaw puzzles were actually a cure of some sort to mental health problems, I don’t like jigsaw puzzles. I also play a bit of badminton in the sun with one of the other patients, some of the patients seem nice but I don’t strike much of a friendship with any of them.

I am talking one day to Ripley, I say something sweet to her and she jumps into her shrink place to switch off her emotions as happens with this hypnotic skill. I don’t like it, it is like she is hiding from me; I can tell she is. I jump forward into her mind, I don’t like her pretending she doesn’t care. She doesn’t like me being there and I get told in no uncertain terms to get out so I do. This simple little ability leads to seeing this quantum network. It soon becomes apparent it can be learnt instantly now we can see this net. Jane isn’t very good at this ‘shrink place’, in fact she even says she would have been in a lot of trouble if she was tortured, she now gets taught it properly. Mr. Thompson says to her how you have to stop yourself from giggling when you are in the best place to do this in your mind. I realise what this means, people can be taught to instantly get rid of pain, this could help so many people, this is a very important ability, and I cannot help but feel proud about this.

The science bit- ‘Quantum neural networks’

Quantum Neural Networks are basically the energy of the mind, the sub divisions of brain waves; these are what I can see in the mind with hypnosis, this ability is one of the cornerstones of what I have done with hypnosis. There are many Quantum Neural Networks, some of them very exotic in structure. They mainly appear in the colours of personality (blue, yellow and white) related to the four main brain waves and the four elements of personality but I have observed all visually perceivable colours. These networks are generally in a dark brain shaped field with coloured neural architecture inside. There are quantum networks related to the body where you can see seeming clusters of nerves and I think even seeing bones may be possible. These networks are made up of photons and virtual photons. You see the photons because you sense them with your virtual photons (your quantum conscious) as these are interchangeable energy. Understanding these nets and personality should make understanding the human brain as a whole easily achievable. Reality generation alongside sensing theses structures means you can change these networks and actually change how they operate; this has a multitude of applications for science and medicine. These networks are electromagnetically adaptive forming extra neuronal pathways in the brain (pathways that are not hard wired into the neuron/brain). Energy leaves these networks and forms personality. Seeing these quantum neural networks is one of my three core abilities with quantum hypnosis. (ref. 15)

I come up with another very important hypnotic ability one day, I am just trying to protect myself from this hypnotic abuse which is so much harder through a bug. I just focus on making myself bigger, In a world of imagination you can imagine what you will, and you can either grow bigger or imagine the gen and people around you growing smaller. I made my EMS as I call it (electromagnetic self, the hypnotic impression of yourself; your head and body) bigger, all of a sudden my EMS was a lot bigger and my shrinks looked smaller, at this point they couldn’t hide too well from me. All of a sudden when I do this a little blue electromagnetic child appears in the centre of my chest. It was weird indeed, this little impression of a child was thrashing his arms up and down and seemed err, pretty unhappy. I thought it was just my shrink’s gen’ing me so I just imagined it away and forgot all about it. I saw that little projection again, and he looked a lot different when I did, I had to be brave to face what I had to the next time I saw this little impression of a past me.

The science bit- ‘The EMS and the EMA’

The EMS (electromagnetic self) is the impression you have of yourself under hypnosis. It is an impression of the entire body but the impression of the head and brain is much stronger. The EMA (electromagnetic aura) is the field surrounding the EMS, it seems to be spherical. All the quantum neural nets are within the EMS but they can be Transferred to the EMA and viewed internally as if you were inside your own brain strangely enough. I named these two elements to the hypnotic world after my daughter who I wish I could be there for. (ref. 16)

I write a poem for Ripley while I am locked in Buckrose ward, I often go off the ward to a quiet grassy hill in the far corner of the hospital grounds to write, I get in trouble about this but I worked out as a child if your nice and polite and smile a little you can bend the rules a bit. It’s quite nice here, I sit in the sun and write, there is a little wood and it over looks a lot of my home town and you can see a beautiful church and fields all around, I write a lot of my poem for her here, as I write it she scribbles down what I write herself.

  Love for time

Who’s the man you look and see

you’ve seen inside

and all of me

can I let rest and finally be

to see those eyes I long to see

Those eyes that shine and shine so bright

they fill my heart let shine through light

let shine below and fill to all

let shine this light not darkness fall

I spread my wings

let loose my flame

to find a soul without a name

all vibrant bright

a place like home

that filled my heart as not yet known

I gave a gift you gave to me

I found myself not bound but free

like in a dream you came to me

I’ve found a place I want to be

a place to smile as once we met

a place to smile and not forget

a place to leave with no regret

a place to stay and love beget

Two hearts to find and join as one

yet far apart but still go on

like one whole piece where two was one

you fill my heart just on and on

And though these two half’s have been through strife

they’ve bonded now

to bond for life

yet miles that part and distance grow

still joined by love the world cant know

and through bonds to break

and through truth to find

a love to fill and free my mind

a place in you

a place in me

a place we met

a place to be

because in this place hearts did bind

and I need you now in life to find

in flesh

in blood

in hair and bone

to find in life this love I’ve known

because for an age its seemed like mine

asleep inside

both deep and fine

a love I’ve found to keep and shine

a love we've found to keep for time

  (ref. 17)  

Leeds to anywhere

My shrinks start to tell me that Ripley will meet me in Leeds, she isn’t in my mind much at all now, and it’s more the others. We had discussed her being at the TV station (I naively thought at the time they would need a professional set up for the fake TV shows they used to get me under, I know they had a small setup somewhere near me now). I desperately want to get to Ripley so this can all end, I think if I just get to her everything will be alright. Someone like me doesn’t function well alone, a social Asperger  might be a good way to describe me, someone like me needs to be part of a team, I work really well like that but alone I bumble and don’t have much confidence for making decisions without help though, though I do have my bright moments.

I decide to make my move, to get out from the horrible Buckrose ward, all I am getting is pain and abuse here and I don’t think it will get better, I hit the road to desperately try to find Ripley. On this occasion it isn’t hard to escape, Buckrose is not a secure ward at this time though this was to change (it became a locked ward to keep people out apparently, not in, like hell it was, it was to become a secure ward without the bars). I go on my little adventure, I don’t know what I’m doing or what I am in for but I have to do something. I just slip out of the door when no one is looking, it’s the police that are the danger. As soon as they work out I am gone the police will be notified and start looking for me, being six foot three and distinctive doesn’t help much in this type of situation. I don’t know if all this is one of their stupid games but I have to try, I don’t know what else to do. I go straight to the train station, it is getting late I just hope I can get to Leeds before the police get me. In reflection all this manipulation to get me to go to Leeds was just a test to find out how effective neural sensory programming was but I am not to know at the time.

I get to Hull, there are police at the station at the gate I have to go through, I don’t have a choice, I have to pass them and take my chance. My heart thumps in my chest as I walk past them. I find the last train to Leeds has gone, I am stuck in Hull for the night with very little money, I start to find it is difficult doing anything like this while you are on government benefits, I’ve not got enough money to get somewhere to sleep. So, I have escaped a mental ward, the police are looking for me, I have a neural transceiver the secret service has put in my body and now I am on the streets, brilliant.

It is late now and I am very tired, I need to find somewhere safe to sleep, I wander around Hull to find somewhere safe. I have never had to survive on the streets, I am yet to learn the most important thing you need to survive; a sleeping bag. Eventually I find a little alley, at the end is a broken wall leading into an overgrown garden, through the hole is an overgrown garden which hasn’t seen a gardener in decades, it is the only safe place safe I could find to sleep. I’d rather feel safe in a garden with slugs than being exposed. At least the ground is soft and it feels better sleeping out of the way, safer, though how safe can I really be in my situation?

I get my coat around me and try and not think about the slugs and snails crawling around me, I try to get some sleep, I have to get to Leeds tomorrow, I might find the help I need, I don’t have much but I have hope. As I try to sleep some kids run down the alley a couple of feet away from me, some guy is shouting at them, they have vandalised something it seems, I lay there quietly with them unaware of me three feet away, they soon leave, I try get some sleep but it is difficult, it is particularly cold tonight, it is hard to sleep when you are shivering.

A feeling of de ja vue floods over me as I try to sleep, a programme is being triggered. Thoughts start to run through my mind, I am living something for the second time though I have no memory of what it was. (The only defence I have mustered against this programming is to just sit there in silence, then you know all that comes to mind is the programme and not your thoughts). They have programmed in a massive amount of information, too much, this programme last quite some time. They programmed in say two hours of programming and triggered it so it was relived in say an hour, they do something wrong. From this point on; for months if not longer my sense of time is greatly affected, days would last forever but months would just fly by, just something I noted. Buttons when he finds this out (a day or two later) didn’t want me to know they had messed up like this, I over hear him say this, he used the forget trick which doesn’t work on me very well over the long term so I remembered.

The programme runs. I laugh and cry this night shivering down a dingy ally in hull, alone but not alone at all. For the first time tonight I break one of their programmes, it does not go how they meant it to, I say something completely heartless to Ripley something along the lines of me not caring for her, the programme run without me feeling anything, but at the same time my normal ‘experiencing it now’ mind is heartbroken at this remark which feels like it came from me. Instead of being unfeeling I cry at this horrible remark. There is a lot of fuss in my head all of a sudden because I break the programme. I think they programmed all this into me while I was asleep, maybe that’s why my emotions are different.

I can’t sleep, it gets to three or four in the morning and it gets very cold. I decide to leave my ally, I leave all the friendly slugs and snails, and I wander across a nearby park and stay there for a while. Yet again more programmes are triggered, a de ja vue floods over me again.

Buttons does something else really stupid now and I don’t see why, he has programmed me to be full of phoenix stones, hundreds of them fill my EMS, my mind with my imagination believes this programme, this has a horrible effect on me, it pushes my intellect too high, way beyond what it should be, I experience what it actually feels like to be a psychopath. It doesn’t feel like my original phoenix with the burning emotion, it is an experience completely devoid of emotion. I say something so cruel to Ripley when this happens to me. They undo what they made me believe quickly, they use the forget trick over and over but I half remember what was said, I won’t write it and frankly I don’t want to remember it, I am happy that way. I said this just because I could, because I would get a reaction, for no other reason other than it was a logical exercise, that it would get a reaction, what they did wasn’t like my Phoenix stone, there was no emotion, just a blank and dangerous detached intellect. An intellect detached from emotion is a very dangerous thing indeed, I have told my shrinks about this but I fear some people who practice my hypnosis won’t listen and will want to be as analytical as possible. If you have a strong intellect you need strong emotions. I have been hurt a lot I reason by someone like this, someone who ignores right and wrong and will do things just because they can, because it’s an exercise of logic, you need your emotions to guide you. Emotions are a guiding light in the mind, you can quote me on that one.

I am starting to grasp the importance of my abilities now, coming to terms with them and what they can do, I now know what it is like to be a psychopath and I really think I could cure it, cure something incurable, altering these frequencies is easily within my abilities, it’s just making them permanent which I think I could also do. This is the start of a feeling of responsibility that grows in me, I am starting to find out what my hypnosis can actually do, how it can help people.

The science bit- ‘Transference (EMT)’

This is how you pass on a hypnotic ability to another person, it is sharing and transferring brain waves basically. You just place your EMS over another person’s (I call this joining as a nickname) and carry out the ability you want to pass on, the other person will now be able to do the same skill just like they have always known how. A lot can be passed on, a hypnotist can easily suppress pain, this can now be passed on in an instant so people with chronic pain could be passed this ability and will be able to control their own pain (and save the NHS a lot of money). A lot can be passed on; every hypnotic ability I have come up with and even other mental skills. In my impression mixing minds like this is dangerous and the exposure should be limited. This particular ability has got me into quite a pickle as others can do what I can under hypnosis. This is one of my three core abilities with quantum hypnosis. (ref. 18)

The programmes and our telepathic conversations went on as I lay in this park, in some undergrowth near its outer fence. I try again to get some sleep, Jane helps me slip into  sleep for a while as my shrinks can seemingly do and I wake a short while after, I think I get about twenty minutes or so of sleep. I spend the rest of the night reliving these programmes, talking, or is that thinking, to Ripley, Buttons and Jane and shivering a lot, I really could use a sleeping bag, or if you go with ‘The hitch hikers guide to the galaxy’ a book I once read; a towel. But I would have much preferred a sleeping bag.

The day after at first light I head to the train station, I stop by a charity shop and with some of the little money I have get a change of clothes, after all the police are out to find and arrest me. I get the first train to Leeds in my new but incredibly cheap clothing and some cheap shoes. I head to where I was told Ripley would meet me, to the T.V station. It goes through my mind she won’t be there but I want to get to her so much, I’ll try anything, I don’t care if it is one in a million chance, I’ll try regardless. I think if I just get to her all this will be over and I can finally just get to that point I have been trying to get to, that place where you can just look at your life and think to yourself; everything is going to be alright now, things are going to be alright.

My shrinks keep telling me if I get a taxi Ripley wouldn’t be there, I know these are games and manipulation, I find them confusing, you don’t know what to believe, I think there is no harm in playing along, I’ll walk there. They say I have to be there by a certain time, I do a lot of walking, and I get some very bad directions to this T.V station and from more than one person, they might have been agents, you never really can know. Having a bug in me means they know exactly where I am and what I am doing and even what I plan to do, and then there’s the programming. I have to push myself, I walk so far, I don’t know how many miles I walk but it is a lot. My feet are starting to hurt, I can feel blisters forming on them, I find stopping for a rest for a few minutes just makes these blisters feel worse, as soon as you start to walk again they feel much worse, it starts to feel like I am walking on razor blades. Eventually I get some proper directions and find out the T.V station is on the other side of the city, miles away. I can’t get there in there stupid time limit. I have to spend the very last of my money getting a taxi there. The shoes I got from a charity shop were not good at all, these cheap slip on things, I think this is why I ended up with these blisters, I am sure they set it up with their dam programming.

I get to the T.V station in my taxi, I look around the place, there is a large grassy area at the front near the road, Ripley is nowhere in sight, I think I will wait here, it seems like the best place. If she was going to be here wouldn’t she be here waiting? There is a small hill with some trees on it, I go and sit on it and wait. I take my shoes off and I have two massive blisters on my feet, one is folded over on itself and is very painful. The sun is shining and it is quite warm, it is late in the afternoon, exhausted from the day and with only twenty minutes sleep in a damn bush last night I fall to sleep in the sunshine on this grassy hill.

At this point I believe what they tell me, these stupid games, I doubt what they say all the time it but if you have even a small chance of getting something you want so much you are inclined to believe it because deep down you just want to believe it. All I wanted was a relationship in real life and not through a bug, my job, I’d do whatever they wanted for that, a human being cannot live like this, it goes against something too deep, giving up on this to me would be giving up on life itself.

I sleep for an hour or so and wake up before twilight. I waited for Ripley though in my heart of hearts I knew she wasn’t coming, she would have been here by now. It gets to nightfall and I decide I should leave, I think they wanted me to leave, I was so determined to stay there as long as I could but then I remember being convinced she wasn’t coming, Looking back I put this down to the manipulation and control they have over me, I know it’s there and I understand it so I can fight this mind control but it is a fight. I feel sorry for the people who don’t know of my hypnosis and get this done to them, they wouldn’t be able to defend themselves, and they wouldn’t even know to fight what would be happening in their mind.

I have a voice, one of the artificial voices in my mind from over exposure to telepathy, she is based on Ripley at this time, I can easily tell the difference between my real shrinks and my imaginary friend/s (this voice later becomes Agent Izzy, a voice or avatar I create for myself as I become more skilled myself at manipulating these voices, long story, I might add it later on), my real shrinks I can feel emotions from and you just learn the patterns of the people you are around and even the patterns of these voices, little mannerisms and the like. This voice based on Ripley helps a lot, you can’t have a conversation with a voice like this but she helps, after all she is based on my impression of Ripley. She always encourages me when I am feeling down, she is always there to tell me to be strong when I feel too run down to go on, or to do what I think is best when I don’t know what to do. I think a lot of her; Ripley, I even have quite a fondness for this voice based on her, weird I know but she helps. Writing this reminds me of a conversation I have with Ripley around this time, she say to me ‘you think a lot of me’ after I say something nice to her, I just reply blankly ‘yes, I do’, it leaves her lost for words, shrinks don’t often do that, it is a nice memory I have.

I leave the T.V station at night, before I do I tie my yin and yang black and white bandana around a tree near the main road at the front of the TV station before I leave, I guess as a message to let Ripley know I was there if she came, I wanted her to have something of mine, I just wanted to reach out and... I don’t know, I just wanted her to have something of mine.

Ripley isn’t in hypnotic contact with me at this point, when they put me in hospital she mainly only came in when I was asleep. My shrinks learn how to manipulate these artificial voices characteristics by manipulating the super ego, they can programme in traits with their NLP. When they do this I can see yellow knots in the strings of the superego. I also see when you have artificial voices a partition forms in your consciousness (on the left with me), I would like one day to see inside the mind of a person who has an illness related to this, to see if they are the same, if they have this patrician as well. If they have this I would be able to fix them. Ripley gets worried about these voices in my mind, she thinks they will be there forever, I am sort of impressed with MI5 for what they do now, they learn to switch these voices on and off, and all you have to do is remove this patrician in consciousness. This technique comes from them, they think I would have these voices forever but after a few days between us we learnt how to switch them on and off, why won’t they just give me a damn job (/gets angry and starts punching stuff) we could and can achieve so much more working together, why don’t they think of the people we can help with this?

The science bit- ‘A theoretical treatment for Schizophrenia’

With gaze induction all the following is possible. It is possible to suppress paranoia emotions through selective emotional repression. Auditory voices in the mind can be removed through removing the patrician that forms in the beta conscious in personality. It is also possible to lower Id rate- the energy of the sub conscious. I believe a high Id rate that leads to effects to the conscious mind is responsible for the manifestation of schizophrenic symptoms. A lot of work would need to be done for this to become a proper treatment and applied correctly; this technique could even be a cure. I think visual hallucinations may be a patrician in the front of the beta consciousness similar to the patrician at the auditory area of consciousness with auditory hallucinations. Even just analysing the differences between a normal brain and a schizophrenic brain using quantum hypnosis could be very useful as with many other disorders also. (ref. 19)

I am now leaving the T.V station, my shrinks do some horrid trick on me, I feel terrified and want to get home, and I don’t want to be on the streets again. I know Ripley is not in Leeds, looking back this was all just manipulation with mind control, something I fight but don’t always win. I remember panicking from this emotional manipulation, I don’t remember what I was specifically thinking but I felt I had to get home or something horrible would happen, I guess when your involved with the secret service it is easy for thoughts of really bad stuff happening to form, after all I had being through drugging and all sorts already.

I am stranded in Leeds with no money, a bug in me, on the run from my section with no were to go, what can I do?  I decide to phone my parents, a bed for the night will be better than all this, there is nothing I can do in Leeds. My parents say they will come meet me at the train station and pick me up. I walk on these two razor blade blisters to the train station to meet them, I more hobble really. My parents are not pleased about coming to pick me up but my parents are rarely pleased with me in general about anything I do as a rule.

I get to the station, it is quite late when they pick me up, I tried (as I did a lot back then) to explain what I was doing and who I was involved with but my ‘bought’ psychiatrist was telling them I was mentally ill. I guess the programming and lies from my mental health ‘help’ had won in their minds. I guess my parents get a more subversive form of mind control, similar to what I am going through from the secret service but without their knowledge. So I have to go back to Bridlington and to the hospital, there’s still the scan, getting this scan might help me get out of this.

The story of the Tummy gate

In Leeds I remember them trying to damage my personality, every day is a fight in my mind, I will be walking down the street on one world but in the other world of imagination I am always in a fight. You can do all sorts with your imagination and at this point I found it scary. When someone is taking your personality to pieces you don’t know what the hell’s going to happen it is scary. I thought it would be a good idea to try and make a copy of personality; to keep safe, so I could reassert it if I needed to. So I looked at my personality and concentrated as hard as I could at making two personalities, a copy. I did it after an attempt or two but where to put the copy? I decided to put this copy in my tummy to keep it safe (my outfit didn’t have pockets). Ever since I did this, rather than a copy of personality being there it is an electromagnetic gateway to personality. This told me if something is of the same frequency in the mind it is in the same place. I call it this little gateway the ‘tummy gate‘. Ok, so I know now you can’t copy personality, the old adage- it seemed like a good idea at the time. Just thought I would mention how the tummy gate ability came to be. It turned out to be useful but I do worry I shouldn’t have done it, EM gates are very interesting to me, they seem to break the rules of dimension to me, but it seems frequency is a dimension of its own in the mind really. I know an ability like this might be a bit irresponsible but I am in a fight for my sanity here. (ref. 20)

I get the same abuse when I am in the hospital ward again. I start thinking of Ripley when I hear some random love song, she isn’t in when I listen to this but she gets told about this, she doesn’t like the song. I get told to watch the ‘Armageddon’ movie they have a copy of at the hospital, as I start to watch it the de ja vue feeling comes over me again, a programme starts to run through my mind. This programme isn’t like the others, it’s not to manipulate me, it is more like a present, Ripley is rarely in my mind now, and it is like a chance to spend a little time together. She wants the song from this movie to remind me of her and I guess vice versa. The abuse continues though, them saying I have to quit smoking and then torturing me with hypnosis.

I keep trying to avoid taking this anti psychotic medication, I find I can hide it under my tongue quite well, the trick is being able to speak properly while it is there, I always try to say thank you instead of staying silent in case they suspect I am not taking them (in future when they give me the dissolvable type I find a bit of toilet paper under the tongue does the trick if you do it right). The stress of all this really is eating away at me now, I am starting to feel very run down. Still Jane and the others are in one day then Buttons and Sleeping Rapist the next, I rarely see Ripley, I just remember bits from Ripley talking to me while I sleep.

After about a month from when they sectioned me they let me go, I don’t get my scan and Dr. Cappuccino was just abusive and adversarial to me. I have failed their quitting smoking thing. Looking back if Ripley and Jane and the others wanted to help me they should have tried to use their emotional control thing to make me happy rather than a bad reaction that fades to having a cigarette which is how they tried to help me. My shrinks don’t seem to understand how hard it is for me, how run down I feel. I guess they have forgotten what things like this can be for untrained people, with all their emotional and physical hypnotic tricks they have and all.

Near the end of this month I have to spend in hospital I just want to fall down into a gloopy blob of exhaustion and melt, I need rest. Jane and the others should have used pleasure if they wanted to help me, why did they always use negative tricks to get me to quit smoking?

Aspergers/people like me are very pleasure based, if they gave me this and associated it to going without a cigarette I would have quit, for god’s sake I have quit before and it wasn’t that hard, it’s just too easy to go back to smoking but under these circumstances I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know if I was coming or going in hospital this time.

I managed about a week of quitting smoking in total, I got told it was a close call but I had failed. It turns out this was just a power struggle between MI5 and MI6, MI5 wanted to give me a job (the good guys) and MI6 (the bad guys) wanted to experiment on me so they played these abusive games to sort out their differing views (you can tell the MI5 head was a woman, women are less selfish as a rule).

So MI6 had won over MI5, it turns out Ripley, Jane, Pete, Original Luke and Button were MI5 and Luke, Mr. Thompson Sleeping Rapist, Ice Queen and a girl who I only saw a couple of times who I am to call Claire were all MI6. This was all a stupid power game between MI5 and MI6, what was wrong with them just taking me on? OK I might have some weak points but what I can do with hypnosis is seemingly well beyond my shrinks. Someone like me could never be an agent but a government hypnotic researcher of some sort; I could be and a damn good one. Why isn’t this enough? So instead of working ‘for’ MI5 I am to end up working ‘with’ MI6. Soon things are to change again.

The other real world

It is now the start of august 2003, it is the first night I sleep at home after hospital, and I am attacked in my own home. I vaguely remember waking up looking into Luke’s eyes. He told me I was lucky because I was going to see three women this night. I am not quite with it- they are using the control level on me again, like they do when people think there are say a chicken in stage hypnosis. Me and Luke play with realities a bit, this time our gens are overlaid over reality. In this control level your conscious but it’s like a bit of your brain isn’t functioning or asleep, you know what you are doing but only kind of. I tried walking out of my room down my hall away from Luke, the floor shakes and wobbles in a worrying fashion, I turn around, I come back to my bedroom and state to Luke ‘I’m not going down there again‘.

I remember Luke teasing me, I couldn’t stand up, he was using a trick on me, like my legs just went to sleep, I managed to get onto my feet (to smack him for being annoying) and he disappeared- when I saw him again I made his leg disappear in an attempt to make him fall over- he pretended to fall over and said ‘at least he‘ll have something good to remember tomorrow‘. I moved my TV off my wardrobe (with my mind) and hit him on the head with it, he ends up wearing it.

Then something different happens, I remember being sat on the side of my bed- suddenly Ripley was there in front of me, it took my breath away. She was naked and looked younger, then I saw another Ripley in a sea green jumper sat next to me on my bed. I looked at her, I looked at the other her, I looked back at the real Ripley and my face curled up into a big smile. I don’t think she knew how to take this, Ripley can have quite the tough exterior, she deflected my smile. I was sat next to Ripley! I wish I could have been normal and not under hypnosis.

At one point I generated copies; maybe eight, of myself all over the ceiling with one gen, it looked disturbing all those eyes staring down at us, Ripley didn’t like it, I generated myself in my usual black suit (OK, I have a weird taste in fashion but you should wear what makes you feel good, not others right?).

I then took us into space again which I loved to do and to my star, I didn’t try and form a phoenix stone again, we just played, I tried to gen her some place nice, it was nice to play with Ripley that night, It upset me though that it was under hypnosis but still, I got to spend some time with Ripley! I wish I had something, a lock of hair or something that belonged to her to put in my memory box to remember her by, I sort of have something from her, a book she wanted me to read that strangely came into my possession at this time, (I still haven’t read it, I want to save it for a time when I can enjoy it, it might have programmes from Ripley, a psychological letter for me from Ripley I can only read once, I am saving it for when I get out of this, when I am free). At least we got to spend some time together, Claire was there that night but I think through a transmitter, I remember spending some time with her, I think it was just to see how well the bug worked with a real person there to boost the signal. The thing I remember though was spending some time with Ripley. Even now I miss Ripley. I still love her. The day after all this happened I was upset about the hypnosis, I wanted to spend time with her properly not ‘under’, but that’s not what I remember, what I remember is spending time with Ripley, I got to sit next to her, I got to touch her.

There are bits I have missed out of this chapter, I’m afraid I’ll just have to let you wonder, even telepaths like to have some secrets.

A breaking broken heart

So I have just being let out of hospital, since my fall out with Helen I have no real friends, I have friends but not ones I could trust or rely on or who would help me. I need rest and I don’t know how to get it. How can I get rest with my head being used as a hypnotic chat room with me as the doormat? I decide to have a night out by myself in Hull, there is this club called spiders there, they dress sort of like how I like to dress, you get really nice people there and you get really good music so I go.

I hit the bottle hard, a bit too hard and get in a state, I am trying to run away in a way from the problems I can’t escape so I push it, this bug is proving to be quite horrible and it never lets up. I even get it in my head I was going to steal a car (that I couldn’t even drive), reality hits me (which was exactly what I was trying to escape from) I get a grip and I decide to go back to my B&B and to go to sleep, I go to sleep laid in a bed paralytic with two male shrinks (Luke and Mr. Thompson probably) doing experiments with depression on me, my little attempted escape from my problems has not helped and all I had gained was a hangover and some blurry memories the morning after of being a drunken idiot. I wake up the morning after with them doing the same experiments, they are messing with the depression emotions again which has a strong effect on me, and it isn’t nice. Ripley Jane are both in now as I lay in my bed. This day is to turn out to be one of the most upsetting days of my life, I will never forget it, Ripley doesn’t like what this depressed feeling does to me, she says to the MI6 shrinks to never do this depression thing again, she makes them promise. Then Ripley says to me ’I’m sorry, I can’t help you anymore, I’ll always remember you how you were’ and then she leaves me, Ripley leaves, for the second time in my life a girl who I love has left me to die. MI5 left me, Ripley and Jane had left me, they had thrown me to the wolfs, at the mercy of MI6 who I was to find were a different breed to MI5. MI5 like to be the good guys, MI6 I am to find are different. Today Ripley leaves me, today is the second to last time I would ever hear her speak.

Dear love cost us

I practically have a breakdown when I get out of this hospital from sheer exhaustion and going through so much, I am in right state. Ripley and MI5 have left me because they thought I was too weak to get a job with them I think, they left me to be experimented on by MI6. She left me without a friend to help me? Defend me? Guide me? I’m not sure. I guess I looked to Ripley for support because I simply didn’t know, well anything about the situation I am in or how to deal with it. I lost two friends, friends for support; Ripley and Jane. So I am handed over to MI6, I am on my own without Ripley and Jane for support.

MI6 rest me for a couple of days, I am starting to feel ill from all this, I really need it. Ice Queen and another girl I decide to call Claire spend a couple of days with me, they are both bright girls, we seem to get on. I met Claire briefly in hospital, she now gets given her shrink name, she just seems like a Sarah, Beki or Claire, I decide on Claire. I actually teach Claire personally how to generate realities, I am stood in my kitchen and she is in, I join my EMS with hers briefly, I show her how to generate realities, I transfer my ability to gen to her. I tell her to practice and build up what I have just shown her; all she say’s is ‘I will’ in a tone I can only describe as a ‘wow’ tone. I can sense her, she seems really nice, I am glad to have another shrink who seems bright working with me, and she is young like me, a little younger maybe, about twenty one or two or so.

After a couple of days they start experimenting on me. I don’t get enough rest but just enough, and I mean just enough. I am now around Luke, Mr. Thompson, Sleeping Rapist, Claire and Ice Queen; my MI6 shrinks. They are very different to MI5, they are a lot harder on me, and they seem colder in a way, they don’t seem like the good guys. They know I am exhausted so are nice to me for a few days, they have a lot of control over my and their own emotions, I tell them I am emotionally exhausted around now and to leave me alone, they think I am lying but they decide to do this hypnotic technique to relieve stress, it is like a terrible weight is lifted from my shoulders all of a sudden when they do this, it feels like heaven and like my shoulders are feeling light, this feeling of stress melts out of my body, at least I get a bit of respite from the stress of this rollercoaster few months I have endured.

They start their experiments on me by changing my super ego to effect conciseness, it gives me tinnitus, this scares the hell out of me at first, I think I will end up with this screeching in my ears twenty-four hours a day that will drive me mad. I got told once tinnitus can be so bad it drives you mad, it turns out to be not so bad and your brain quickly tunes it out (looking back they probably were just changing the frequency of my neural transceiver, it has a similar effect I was to find). Without Ripley and Jane here I guess I am scared being with these new shrinks, I am way out of my depth, but things do start to change over time. I do get tougher and start to get to know my MI6 shrinks. At first they seem to do anything they can to hurt me it seems, I think they just wanted abilities, but abilities to give people mental illnesses, but why? Surely it would be so much more useful to fix and help people like what I want to do. At this point they were hard on me, not evil, just hard. Me and my shrinks start to get to know each other, we find we actually get on. I am the good guys in this and I do want to work for my country. They know I am the good guys in this, I keep trying to offer them abilities and ideas (It’s all I have got to win them over) but I hold back just a little. Sleeping Rapist is the only one who doesn’t like me, all my other shrinks laugh at my gens and listen to my ideas, my MI6 shrinks are tough but they are not bad people. Mr. Thompson and Luke have a very tough exterior but they are both very bright. The girls are easy to get on with, I think they have the men as the bad guys and the girls as the good guys, a good cop bad cop thing but I actually do get on with all of them, well, apart from Sleeping Rapist.

I find I am in a battle inside my mind now, a twenty four hour a day battle that goes on even when I sleep. When I am trying to defend myself from these hypnotic attacks in the other world I find something, what I was to call a (quantum) neural net, the first neural net I see, well apart from the shrink net I saw in Luke where the emotional control is done. It is the shape of my brain, it actually is inside of my head in the hypnotic world. It looks like a big sort of ball of wool that is brain shaped and grey, the same colour as the architecture in the shrink net. There is a small blue grainy structure in this neural net, it looks similar to the consciousness in personality; blue and grainy and like static on a T.V, It only inhabits a small area in this net. My shrinks start to experiment on it, they realise by pushing conciseness in this net into dense neural netting increased my intelligence (it must shape conciseness to a greater degree than usual maybe- making it more complicated maybe?), this is when I came up with an idea on how personality works (or my theory on it at least). They found they could also burn away this neural netting this way. Over the next couple of months they slowly burn it all away, Sleeping Rapist enjoys doing this, the others just want abilities but he is different, he actually enjoys messing with me and it makes him a bit… obsessive or fixated, whatever, he enjoys it. I find there seems to be two distinct elements in the hypnotic world, your mind; the impression of yourself; your head and body, and an aura all around it where you can generate your realities, In the future I decided to call this impression of yourself the EMS and the aura the EMA after one of my daughters who I cannot be there for because of all this. As soon as I found a neural net I could transport it from my EMS to my EMA to look at it like I was inside my own brain, a curious experience indeed.

There is one time they hypnotise my mum, she is not aware of this, as I am standing in the kitchen Sleeping Rapist actually uses my mum’s consciousness to erase some of my first net, he says as he is doing this ‘this is so sick no one will believe we have done this’. My poor parents are oblivious to these goings on, I am the only one in my family who knows the truth, this is very difficult as I am sure you can imagine.

After quite some time there is only a little netting left in my first net, they have being slowly erasing it, burning it away. My brother has just had major surgery on his jaw, I go through to Hull to see him in recovery with my parents, and he looks like he has swallowed a rugby ball. Sleeping Rapist slowly dissolves the last bit of this net as I sit in the car waiting to travel home, it’s like being hit in the head with a brick as the last of it disappears, (I think as conciseness has nowhere to go so I guess it shuts down does it?) I think maybe a part of your subconscious becomes your conscious causing the hit in the head feeling. I think something really bad is going to happen when this is done to me, not the only time I will think like this. I don’t realise this net is only a small part of the mind, the net disappears, I feel like I have been hit in the head but I am seemingly fine.

Fighting to protect myself, to save this seemingly important net I accidentally stimulated some nerves like things, I found another neural net in my EMS, it looks like giant clusters of nerves, like thunderbolts, this net is not grey though, it is bright white like the Id, it is hard to make out details though, the net is that bright in me it dazzles out most of the detail, in a normal state that is.

My shrinks also learn how to see this new net, the nerve net is my nickname for this net. They move on to this new net and start to excite and suppress my nerves (ok there not nerves but do look like big thunderbolt like thick clusters of them). I didn’t mind them being hard on me and I am starting to find I actually like play fighting with Luke, we find it’s a dam good way to come up with abilities.

Still I would try and give them some abilities but hold back, I was trying to show them we could work together, just not through this dam bug, all I wanted was a job after all. I still try to show them how to get better at this hypnosis, I like to key into both my own and their belief systems and break things down for them. They start to listen to me more about what I am teaching them, I don’t know why or how I am good at all of this but I find I just am. They now start to be able copy my abilities quite quickly, I try to hold back but it’s not easy with a very fast active mind like mine. It can be a bit like being tapped or hit on the shoulder and not looking or reacting, I find it is not easy.

They have a lot of power over me with hypnosis but I am a lot more adaptive and quicker than them. I tell them me and Luke should hack through all of this, refine abilities, and let us make the mistakes. I like Luke, he is the best at hypnosis out of my MI6 shrinks, Mr. Thompson is very good but Luke has that kick ass mentality with hypnosis I do, he is also the only one who will stand in front of me and let me experiment on him.

I kept coming up with ideas and abilities to win them over, I did this a lot, and it is what I am good at. I keep trying to make a deal, some form of compromise but there is something stopping this, they can’t stand the fact I was better than them? Unless it was more about power? If I got my job who would get the benefits of my abilities? It probably would be the larger government maybe? Was this was Richard Deerlove screwing over his own government maybe, screwing over his country all in the name of what? Probably money and power and the ability to make people mentally ill.

After this the experiments keep getting more and more brutal and in a lot of cases senseless. This is when Sleeping Rapist starts playing more of a roll in my life, I met him before hospital as I have written, when I gave him his shrink name, he is in a lot more from this point. Over the coming month’s I am to learn what a truly disgusting person he is, a true diseased personality to the core, everyone else I emotionally sensed seemed quite nice (especially the girls, women have pretty emotions) but Sleeping Rapist was different, I couldn’t sense much from him, he just seemed wrong, my subconscious just told me something was wrong with him.

Around this time my first notebook makes an appearance, I buy a little black A5 notebook and scribble little diagrams and ideas about all this hypnosis and the structures I can see in my imagination. I soon start to enjoy writing in this notebook.

(ref. 21)

London to seek my friends and fortune

I go down to London to try and get to Ripley, I don’t know what to do but she is there somewhere, a million to one chance is better than nothing so off I went on another adventure. The torture (a strong word for it I admit now) and experiments go on, me and Ripley said once that if we could we’d meet at nelsons column, I get to London,

I see Claire and who I was to find was the MI6 department head on the train, Claire has long mousey blonde hair, she is tall and a little too thin, I am sure she has some freckles. The department head I vaguely remember was of medium height with dark hair. I fell to sleep on the way down and I wake arriving in London  looking into a pretty girls eyes a few seats down the train, I have a vague memory of hypnotic communication while I was asleep, I remember Claire saying to the department head ‘cant we give him a job? He looks so pathetic’ as I lay there asleep with my shrinks next to me. I like Claire, she is young bright and I bet fresh out of university, we were they brightest of the lot of us, I do think she might have been put in the department so I am not thought of as the youngest one; people tend to look after the youngest in a group. As I wake up I smile at this pretty girl as my mind is just becoming aware of things around me. I can see my personality in the other world, the ocean that is consciousness does a little dance, like a natural and subtle version of the tennis game. Usually I would feel uncomfortable looking at a girl like this but it was just as I was waking up. I didn’t have time to think. I only find out as I leave the station this was Claire and the department head just down the carriage from me, it seems they like to play games like this.

It is very new experience for me being in London, it is very different to what I am used to. I head to nelsons column, I get there. I sit there full of hope, and a little inspired from the unfamiliar and bemusing architecture (as I had never been to such a place) I like the open feel of the place and all the people, one of them somewhere being Ripley. I sit in between the lions in Trafalgar square to see if I will get some form of contact. This is when I first meet the MI6 department head,. Luke and Mr. Thompson seem a little in awe of him. He simply comes in my mind and tells me I have some very strange ideas on psychiatry and is gone. I decide to call this department head Bob as he just seems like a regular guy when I sense his emotions so his shrink name is chosen.

Some pleasant girl I meet on the subway helps me find a hostel to sleep at (it beats a bush after all). I have to share a room with a Spanish doctor in this hostel in north London. I am so stupid, I book in and go to my room and there’s all these books and toiletries and stuff, I think they are there for visitors to use, my dam shrinks say they are there for back packers who visit. So I go rooting through all these books and stuff, I don’t know they belong to this trainee doctor I was actually sharing the room with until he walks in. I am so glad he didn’t find me looking through his stuff. I never knew people shared rooms in hostels, it isn’t very nice sharing a room with a stranger, I bet you get your stuff stolen a lot.

I go to sleep in my hostel. I wake in the morning and I have a memory of the night before; as I dream I am tied to a chair in a black room, it is quite scary, Luke stands in front of me, then Mr. Thompson, then Ice Queen, then Sleeping Rapist, as soon as I see Sleeping Rapist I free myself from my imaginary bonds and try defend myself. I guess I am too used to being attacked by him. I think I was hypnotised in person this night, I think I had an illegal scan but I can‘t be sure about this one as, I did develop a bumpy rash on my forehead I think from an allergic reaction, I don’t think I was consciously aware of this at all, they probably just held me in a deep sleep.

They start to play scenarios with the their NLP and reality generation, I walk through London playing their stupid mind games thinking it might lead to me meeting them. They programme me and then see how well the programme works out. They want me to pretend I am a terrorist trying to get off their radar, I play along with this game in hope I will get out of this. I think my agents feel a little similar to what I do; they want to see me in real life, not through this infernal bug, after all by now we have spent quite some time together now. They programme me to walk past them.

 I get on a bus near Hyde park and there is a short tubby man with thin dark hair, wearing sunglasses. This man stares at me. After I get off the bus I am told who it is, it was Sleeping Rapist, and he says that he wanted to look me in the eye.

I already saw Luke in Hull so I don’t see him, I would definitely recognise him, especially with his mean little eye brows and balding head. Mr. Thompson is not as bothered about seeing me so I do not see him. I walked past most of my agents, they programmed me and then after I had walked past them when they were gone they would let me know they had been there.

I see Ice queen but not under the best of circumstances, I am out of the way down an ally where I am getting changed so I can change my look, they have me playing their silly game pretending to be a terrorist trying to slip out of their CCTV network. So I am changing and she walks by me while I am putting my trousers on, I guess she wants to catch me with my pants down, this is so like Ice Queens. Ice queen does stuff like this, she’s too clever for her own good if you ask me. I have never met anyone like her, someone who is so…well; clever.  I only catch a glimpse of her, I look at my feet as she walks by; she is petite brunette and has nice curves that is all I really see of her.

There is one night I am walking down by the Thames; Claire is in (through my bug of course). We are playing with our abilities, her presence is much stronger than the rest. We touch hands, it feels nearly real, not like the others. We hold hands for a while as I walk along the banks of the Thames, it is a nice memory. Having no money I have to sleep on the streets again, I find a safe out of the way place to sleep, I have learnt to carry a sleeping bag now, I go to sleep again with my usual harassment. I wake and it is raining, I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do at all, I just don’t know who to interact with; people who could help someone in my predicament.

There have been a couple of times I have been down to London at about this time- all fruitless- just ploys to, well I don’t really know, at the end of the day I wanted them to come and meet me and get a job and cease the torture. I don’t know how to do stuff like this and no one ever seems to help me out and explain stuff. I am not familiar with the infrastructures I needed to get help from, who will help you if you are involved with MI6?

I do not see any options here, I don’t know what to do. I have to leave for home no better for my little adventure. 

And what to do now?

I am back home, at this point my nerve net (well the level that looks like giant nerves) are getting attacked a lot, they try to hurt me any way they can with hypnosis it seems. This is the first time they are to disable me. I am sat in front of my computer at home trying to find distraction; they suppress part of my nerve net. I cannot think, my mind is confused and dopey, my head veers to one side. Bob comes in. Luke and Sleeping Rapist want to show Bob what they have done. Luke and Rapist say ‘we’ve disabled him’, Bob just says ‘undo it and do something else’ that is all he says.

Over the next few days or weeks they experiment on different levels of hypnosis trying to find new ways of causing their mental illnesses. Emotional Repression was high on the agenda at this point. I keep trying to reason with them to get my job, it is probably the only thing I ever talk about. There are many points through the coming months I get to the point of crying- this would start to break the emotion bonding trick Sleeping Rapist did but he was always there to undo it just a little, I know it is on but I don’t realise how much it is affecting me. They now try and take away all pleasure and happiness from me with hypnosis, it is not nice at all. I feel weird writing this but I get to the point where masturbation is my only pleasure, this is misery, they had taken away every other form of pleasure I have in life, then they even try to stop that. I guess when you’re in pain or suffering a lot you try and find ways to find pleasure, I am not embarrassed, it is just how a human being reacts to this form of torture.

This is when Bob changes, he comes in and says ‘were treating you like a shrink who has betrayed us, and you haven’t‘. Then this awful treatment stops, my shrinks undo what they have done, things change and for the better. I now find I am spending a lot of time with Ice Queen.

Ice queen is in a lot now, I enjoy spending time with her. In the hypnotic world she gens little ticks and crosses to say yes and no and often a sparkly question mark, we both seem to enjoy working with each other. I find I prefer to understand the mind with her, with Luke and Mr. Thompson I find I like to play fight with hypnosis with them, it is a good way to learn but with the girls I prefer to be careful and try and understand the mind. I wouldn’t feel very gentlemanly doing this type of thing with the girls. Me and Ice Queen work together trying to understand and manipulate the mind, a lot of time working on the second net(a very important net), everyone now starts calling her ‘net queen’. She tries to fix a neural net that is damaged in my mind, one day I see something new in one of my nets, she makes this beautiful netting structure out of manipulating this network with her imagination, she is trying to fix an area in the back of my mind where this netting has been erased. It looks like a beautiful round grey structure, a bit like what you get from a Spiro graph but in three dimensions, she constructs it in the back of my mind in my occipital lobe area where it is damaged. It means so much to me that she spends all this time doing this for me. I find I am really starting to like Ice queen, she’s cool, and is so down to earth and clever, a real fem-fatal, I could see us being good friends if I ever get my job. We are just so opposite, I think we bemuse each other a little. We are both feminists as well, it’s not that we think women are better than men, we kind of know it. Ok fair do’s I’m a man but women are just more well rounded it seems than us men, truthfully though I believe there’s good points to aspects of both masculinity and femininity, I try and embrace the best of aspects of both, not everything of course, the differences are very important indeed but all in all women are like men without a lot of the problems.

Things get a bit better now though I cannot live like this, they want abilities and I am happy to do this for them, after all; all I want is a job. I felt I could help so many people with these abilities and I could use these people to achieve this, after all they are part of my government. With abilities like mine where else could I work? I need a job with my government in some way.

I find me and Luke make a perfect team, he is good at all the stuff I am not so good at, he has a stupidly strong ability to focus his concentration which is a very useful skill for a hypnotist. I will come up with an ability and Luke will refine it and change it into something different, we make a damn good team.

Looking back quantum hypnosis looks the way it does today because of me and Luke. Every studier of hypnosis needs a partner and he’s mine, to describe Luke I would say he’s like the gay James Bond… but shorter, and with mean little eye brows I keep telling him to pluck. He’s seen me at my best and he’s seen me at my worst, we’ve been through everything together. People might say I have got that Stockholm syndrome but he is my friend and vice versa, with hypnosis like this you really do get to know people well, he’s a friend albeit a friend I have made in the no man’s land we have found ourselves in. My abuse not really from my shrinks, I think it is all because of the people at the top being... I’ll let you choose the word. I imagine it’s a lot easier to abuse someone from behind a desk rather than to watch it happening to an innocent and reasonable person right in front of you.

The European court of human rights

I don’t know what to do. Ripley did say to me I should go to the European court of human rights, she said there are shrinks there like them, people who would understand this hypnosis and help me. They made out Ripley might be there also but I think it might be one of their silly games. I have never left Britain before, it is a bit worrying but what choice do I have? I have no money for travel so I have to sell my belongings. I sell everything of value I have, I don’t get much money but I do get enough to get there. Ripley said it doesn’t matter what state I am in when I get there; as long as I get there.

I get my ferry from Hull to Belgium, my first trip abroad. I take the train to Strasbourg in France, where the court is. I don’t know what I am doing but Ripley said there are shrinks there, people who will know about this hypnosis being used on me. I eventually get to the court, when I get there and see the building I burst out crying, I guess I have had to learn to bottle my emotions up under this constant abuse. I am to find this place is different to what I imagine. I get to speak to someone and I am told this is more a centre of bureaucracy; it is not like what I thought. I thought there would be specialists here, people who help people who have been abused like I have, people who knew of these things. All I get to do is hand in some information on what is happening to me, a brief written account I have put together. I have hit another dead end. I wish I had someone for advice. I have to head home, I didn’t plan for coming back.  I have return tickets as they were practically the same price as one way. I have missed the last train, again I have to spend another night on the streets and it is freezing again.

A young French girl takes pity on me freezing in a doorway and buys me a coffee, Bob states to me I must have one of those faces. It is nice to be warm in this late night cafe. After I leave I am on the streets again for the night, eventually I find a small vent at the bottom of a wall near the train station. I huddle around this little vent that spills out a little hot air until five in the morning when it suddenly shuts off. Bob is experimenting with emotions as I huddle round my vent; I think to do with the second net, he puts some form of happy emotion on and forgets about it. A few hours later I am sat waiting for the train and I am starting to feel very strange, in my imagination I want to grind my teeth and claw at them, it feels nice doing this for some reason. My shrinks don’t know why this strange reaction is occurring until I ask Bob if he has left any tricks on. He undoes the trick he accidentally has left on and states ‘I nearly made you one of the happiest people in society. I wonder to myself if this is how psychopaths feel, it was a strange feeling.

Bob also wants to see what I can do with this ‘shrink place’ my shrinks all practice, thanks to what I did in hospital people can be taught it instantly (I am very proud of this because it is an instant and effective way people with chronic pain can be taught to control/eradicate it. This could help so many people who are suffering; in the right hands that is). Bob pulls my mind back but just a little into this ‘shrink place’, my vision now looks like I am looking at it through a little window, I am in the shrink place. In my imagination I jump around this level to see what I can do with it. I find my emotions are numbed while in this state, I think it is meant to do this, this just feels wrong to me, uncomfortable. I make myself comfortable, just like making yourself comfortable in a chair and my emotions come back but a little quieter than usual (I do worry I broke this trick; maybe it is useful to have it shut off your emotions- I guess people don’t have to have it transferred if they don’t want). I try to push my mind back as far as I can to maybe learn to go back to this place in future, it really would help. As I push my conscious back as much as I can I tune into a new part of the shrink place, it is a net that looks green of all colours. I have never seen a green net before. It looks like the actual surface of the brain. Mr. Thompson is quite amusing when he finds out about this new net to do with his favourite hypnotic toy, when I tell him about it he very sternly states ‘I want it’, this is the only time I have seen him be anything but calm and logical. He gets shown it and asks me what I did; I tell him. He say’s ‘ah, you tried to push your conscious out of the back of your own head’ as if I am a bit of an idiot (hey you got to try these things or you will never know!). So Mr. Thompson gets something new in his favourite hypnotic place, I don’t think it does anything apart from shed a little new light on the functioning of the mind. I wasn’t able to go back to this ‘shrink place’ as I was not brought deep enough into it, you need to burn some of this netting that forms these places to get back there. Just imagining the blackness around your vision burns this netting away, it takes many years to master though, it is much quicker now.  It can be done in seconds.

So I get my train back to Belgium and have a sleep on the way there, I am very tired, it is nice to be back in the warmth of a train. I get my ferry back to Hull and then home. I start to think of what to do next, I need to think of something new, I can’t live like this; I have to do something.

The story of Mr. T breaking free

I don’t remember if this happened at this point but it happened at some point around now. I am getting more confident with my abilities, I start finding what I put my mind to I can achieve. All my shrinks (apart from Sleeping Rapist) want me to get my job now, we all work well together, were all very bright and strangely complimentary. My shrinks have found it is just better working with me rather than against me. I tell Mr. Thompson I think I can help him and fix his emotional repression thing (that I don’t agree with at all). He is very well rounded and a bit arty but he didn’t seem to have that fire in his belly as it were, he is very emotionally suppressed. His laugh is so like Santa clause, when I make him laugh it is a big booming laugh, I call it the un-suppressible emotion because it was one of the few emotions that really stand out in him.

Mr. Thompson likes the shrink place a bit too much, this trick can make you giggle and not feel pain, he uses this a lot, he is by far the best at it. It is like pushing your conscious mind backwards from your eye sight, your conscious mind is stuck at the front because of the dense neural netting (part of the sub conscious) behind the eyes, with the right technique you can slowly burn it away over years to push your consciousness backwards. Once it is burnt you can just slip right back. When you are good at it; it looks like your looking through a window to your own eye sight. This trick or place seems to switch your emotions off. Mr. Thompson me and Luke once discussed this, apparently Mr. Thompson even used to go to sleep with this trick on. This trick lets you do the tennis game (I have not been trained so I have to invent my own terms for these things), it makes you feel really nice, I think this is why it was so addictive to him. On top of this shrinks are told to suppress their emotions, So, the point of this bit is to explain he was very emotionally repressed.

I just say to him one day I think I can un-suppress his emotions. He says ’if you say that to a shrink they will expect you to stick to what you say’, he is trying to teach me how to function within the government I think, to help prepare me for the job I want so much. He decides to join with me, it isn’t unpleasant at all, me and Mr. Thompson are both the masculine/feminine types and a little similar in ways.

When we join it feels heavy, like there was a weight over my stomach from this, after a while, over an hour or so this weight becomes uncomfortable, so I just brake this heavy feeling over my stomach, like breaking a twig from one stable piece to having six or so breaks into it so it could move and slink and was comfortable. It is like wriggling into a chair to become comfortable. I had broke his Id over mine (maybe down to the tummy gate ability). He is fine from this, he doesn’t even notice the difference while we are joined. As soon as he decides to stop joining with me he becomes different though. There is me at the other end of the bug but sat right next to him is Sleeping Rapist with his emotions, In person hypnosis is a lot stronger- Mr. Thompson now starts acting a bit like Sleeping Rapist, Sleeping Rapists emotions are effecting him strongly now he does not have mine to keep him stable, he was wanting to hurt me, he was acting really weird and lashing out at me like Sleeping Rapist does.

He knows something is wrong straight away from this reaction. I know what has happened, he has his emotions back. I tell him he should take some time off, see friends, go for meals, look after himself and just enjoy himself; start like he meant to go on. I was sure he would be ok, then he was gone. I don’t see him for a month or so but he comes back, new (or is that old) emotions to boot. He said it wasn’t nice having experiments done on him but it wasn’t as bad as what I’ve been through, I guess they wanted to know what I did to him so prodded and poked him a bit. I am proud of this. I cured emotional repression that day. I said from day one (well from when I found out about emotional suppression) it’s a bloody stupid thing to do, at least all the people who practice this have the option to get rid of it now (I hope Ripley gets this). Mr. Thompson seems grateful when he comes back, he says ‘I’ll remember you more than the rest of us because of what you have done for me‘. (ref. 21)

Iceberg

a man of contrast

I see as you

as you know me

do you I know you

you've changed so much

from iceberg chains

you fought through doubt

emotion pains

to come about

and turn anew

you were there

did I find you?

I guess a piece

or one or two

but really not

because you found you

I wonder what you found and were

did you find you plants down there

I mean your art

I mean your soul

did you find emotions stroll?

                                                                           (ref. 22)

Desperately seeking something

I travel to London again, I think an embassy might be able to help me reason with my government, I try both French and German embassies, I get no help.  One won’t let me in and the other one just turns me away, folly. Again with no money for a place to sleep I am on the streets again, I have to sleep in a park. I feel so ill and run down; even just walking around London is very difficult. I know little of who I even could get help from, I don’t know what to do, it is either living on the streets or going home. I have to go home.

All I have at this point information wise is a few diagrams of neural structures I am trying to understand and a few basic theories about hypnosis. I am not educated and find it impossible to learn really with these things going on in my mind. I decide to do some research in my local library, the very first thing I look up about hypnosis and neurology is an article in Scientific American- the left cerebellum becomes stimulated and emits more positrons under hypnosis using a positron emission tomography scan…Fucking great for MI6 to know this. This isn’t a good start, this very much puts me off research for a long time, after all everything I know they know. They now know the part of the brain responsible for many of my abilities. I cannot work on hypnosis effectively until I get out of this situation.

I decide to try getting a proper psychiatrist, Belgium is the centre of Europe, surely they could help make my government listen to reason; we are part of Europe after all. I need money, money I don’t have, I have already sold all my belongings of value. I go to the length of stealing off my parents. I steal eighty pounds from my mum’s handbag; I did it fully knowing I would get caught. If they knew the truth would they mind? Their son‘s life (and mental health and general wellbeing) is on the line, if they knew they would understand. On a side note I wish I had them for support but thanks to MI6 and the corrupt or bought members of the NHS they think I am delusional and the people who should be there for me aren’t. If I have my family for support I could get out of this, I wouldn’t be alone, I guess that’s why they have had the programming done. What is going to happen to them when the truth comes out? Will they be tidied up? Given some disease or something people won’t suspect? I am not just fighting for me, I am fighting for them…and all the people I can help with my abilities, my abilities could probably cure many mental illnesses, and you know what; I feel like I am fighting for what’s right, what this country stands for in my eyes. I guess you, the person reading this can decide that. I might not have much but at least I am the good guy in this and that gives me a fighting chance. MI6 have always tried to isolate me from help and support and have succeeded, sorry I have got side tracked.

So I went to Belgium to get real psychiatric care, I couldn’t get to a shrink trained in hypnosis, one of the nurses there said to me ’it is like a nightmare for us you coming here’, I thought Belgium being the centre of Europe they would help me, ok; so I am a little naive, they just don’t teach you how to deal with this kind of thing in school. I have experiments on my brain stem done while over in Belgium, it is the part that controls breathing, it stops me being able to breathe right- it is not nice, I left for home as they said they would stop it if I left. It didn’t seem like I was going to get any help anyway. Who actually can help someone like me? If only I could reason with my government, the government just seems like some big monster to me that I don’t know how to get in touch with, it’s just ‘the government’. I know the government employs psychiatrists but where are they? No one ever seems to help.

Socially retarded? I’m just different

I was to get a chance to get out of this but I didn’t know it, my first real chance; a chance to get my job. Bob tries to help me but I don’t know at the time, one of only two people I feel I owe my life to, who I would even die for.

The more time I spend with Bob the more respect I find I have for him, I even take to calling him sir after a while; after all I did want to work for him, he comes across as a natural born leader. He was always hard on me but he was just following Deerlove’s orders, they wanted abilities, I wanted a job, it should have been simple, Bob knew this. I would fit well in his department, he is the leader or boss someone like me needs to get by, I like a structured environment. I think he has a patriotic side to him like me also, he just comes across that way; you don’t find many people like Bob.

I go down to Manchester to get help, I am thinking of going to the press though I am very unsure of this, I can’t remember if  it was just to push them into meeting me. I don’t want to go to the press, what if I succeed? Can you imagine life being followed by those paparazzi people, and always thinking people might sell story’s about you or just pretend to be nice to you for money and the like (I would hate that, a person like me likes to just have a few friends who I can trust properly, real friends), after all I am the first telepath I know of, people are probably going to be quite interested in little old me.

I have no money to get a hostel (again) so I end up in this pub to get some warmth before spending another night on the streets (fighting MI6 is not easy on benefits), travel can take up all your money and I had already sold all my belongings of value. In this pub four people sit near me, I was to find out they were agents, but only afterwards. Bob and Ice Queen were in/online, I can’t remember specifically what Bob says, I think he wanted me to talk to them. A woman from the group even invites me over to join them. I sit there in a world of my own thinking to myself,

I think about going over, I don’t like unfamiliar social situations though, I walked out of the pub into the cold oblivious to the mistake I was making, Bob said ‘you know they were agents’ and I just dismiss it as one of their stupid games they play, it is not real I think. I hope you understand, I know now these emotions reroute logic. It upsets me looking back, Bob tried to help me, probably without Deerlove knowing, he knew I would do what he said, he probably knew I would be a lot more powerful with hypnosis in person, he knew  it was the right thing to do, not only for me but for our country. I have a lot of respect for Bob, he’s got the ball’s to stand up for his country even in a bad situation. This is why I would die for Bob.

As I look back I think it might be because this was a foreign situation, this social sacredness (I now call it) made my mind convince itself it wasn’t a chance, I just think it is another one of their silly games and ignore it. Sometimes I really do feel like my brain is out to get me. It seems obvious to me now what I should have done, they say hind sight is twenty-twenty, it helps now,  at least I know I have some autistic traits, I think if I’m in a similar situation I will jump right in. I guess first you have to know your enemy before you can beat it. What I needed was to know what situation I was walking into, when you are analytical (but not clever in the slightest) like me you need time to think and prepare for things like this. I’m good in certain situations, like talking to someone in a situation I understand but talking between the lines with someone to make a contact isn’t very logical and is quite subversive which I find very difficult. I’m sure this is down to some mild Asperger syndrome traits. I’m usually Ok, I lean on my intellect to get by, but if I’m not feeling bright I don’t have much to lean on socially, we all naturally lean on our strongest points. I think I decode subversion with logic and try to get people to be logical with me.

Things got bad, thanks to being such a loud telepath everyone could hear every thought I thought, I tried to keep it secret bob helping me. Have you ever tried to keep a secret without thinking of the dam secret your trying to keep? It’s not easy, I find it impossible. I consider myself ‘psycho civilised‘ but only nearly; because of worry. As soon as I worry about something I think about it, this isn’t good for a telepath. Anyone could come in my head (an unpleasant thought indeed) and things would be fine apart from this dam worry, in fact I am very easy to get on with if you get to know me. If you worry about a thing it brings it to mind and in my position everyone hears it. 

I don’t go to the press in Manchester, I decide I will find another way out, it is something I just find I really don’t want to do, I am quite a private person. I don’t remember even Bob saying goodbye, Bob has gone, the MI6 department head I had won over. I remember Sleeping Rapist saying ‘he’d be dead if he didn’t have a family’, I don’t know how true it is but he says it, If that bastard Deerlove did try kill him I wouldn’t be happy. I shouldn’t worry about Bob though, he’s clever and wily, I think he might be one of the last cold war generation of spies (I guess they don’t build them like they used to) if anyone can look after himself it’s him.

Looking back Deerlove I think was keeping these abilities secret from the rest of government, maybe that’s why he was so paranoid about his agents helping me, I did not know this at the time, the government was just the government, I thought these people were all paid to put our country first, I mean they are MI6 for god’s sake., they are part of the government. If Bob had succeeded in helping me it would have sorted a lot of problems out for our government, it would have never gone as far as what it was to.

All I remember after this is that Sleeping Rapist is in a lot and I start being abused a lot more, pretty much constantly. Things get bad.

A new shrink, a new year with new hope (Fuzz/Beth)

I go to Dr. Christine, I tell her how bad this is getting. I think has had enough of this, she knows I am completely sane and that I am suffering. I guess she gets in touch with part of the government some part of it that I don’t know of at least because I am soon to meet a new shrink. I think so much of Dr. Christine for this; my second hero. I told Dr Christine they could make a weapon with these abilities- I thought at the time they could make bugs that really hurt or damage the mind maybe even on a large scale, I still believe this.

I go to my local police from advice from Dr. Christine. I say I have proof of what is happening to me, all they do is get in touch with Buckrose ward. They just don’t want to help or get involved in this. I am soon to find if you mention MI6 to the police one way or the other there not going to help you. I am taken to Buckrose ward again.

It is the 8/12/2003- I am sectioned again. I am told I can get a scan again. I guess MI6 know what my EEG read out will be now, I deduce it will be normal so this time it is actually done. I have my scan done in hull royal infirmary. The nurse mentions if I am on drugs when this scan is being done, I must admit I do try using my abilities to see if this will show up on my EEG. I am worried about this scan being MI6 influenced at the time but she is only a nurse. I have the awful Dr. Cappuccino have me under lock and key again. I again get dopey feelings after looking Sanchez in eye (its hard to avoid eye contact sometimes but I‘ve got better at it), he must be trained to some degree in hypnosis, corrupt bastard. Looking back he definitely was, he was MI6 or controlled by them at least.

I have not kept a diary of all my strange goings on at this point, I am under the mentality I will get out of this soon. While I am in Buckrose I start to write ‘my story’, my first few details of what has happened to me over the last year, I write it so I don’t forget, the patchy start to this very difficult book to write. It is nice to write about some of my experiences but hard write about others. My notebook turned into my diary, ‘My Story’ was my diary until 2005. I really enjoyed remembering my friends and my little adventures. I find if you go through something good it makes you happy, if you go through something bad it makes you strong.

It is Christmas 2003 now and I am still sectioned. Everyone’s meant to be happy at Christmas, most people actually are; but if you’re not then you’re really not. Its first thing on Christmas day, I wake up from intruded sleep into intruded consciousness. I get attacked, half imagined figures poke and harass me, I lash out, I’m not sure how, I just lash out. I took the bait. I gave their perverse minds validation to forget Christmas. The night before I tried to make a deal for us all to have a cease fire over Christmas and Boxing Day; god in the war even the Germans had a game of football with us at Christmas, they ignore my request. It set up a miserable start to a miserable day. It came, it went, and I was glad it was gone. Over Christmas I am in such a bad mood, everything is getting to me. I am getting my cerebellum’s left hemisphere attacked in an attempt to take my hypnotic abilities off me. There are a couple of occasions that I even curl up into a ball and pull on my hair and growl, this is not nice. New Year came and went with no hope in sight.

I am on some of my very limited leave from hospital. I am going to my friend Jay’s house. He has been my best friend since I was twelve. I appreciate him even just listening to my incredible problems. He knows me; he knows I am bright and not insane at all. It is the same old Damion talking to him, if anyone could he would be able to tell if I was insane. I am walking away from his house, I remember exactly where; down a road called Kent square and I can see and sense a new shrink. She is a girl a few years older than me, her emotions seem pleasant and bright and sunshiny, she is new to the hypnotic world as her hair looks like a cross between a bob and an afro because she can’t gen yet; I decide to call her Fuzz because of this (surprisingly not related to how the government would act in such a situation; a fuzzy situation, areas of grey rather than black and white). She tells me she is from the government, it terrifies me meeting her, she was from the government…she could help. Doctor Christine has tried to help me, Fuzz was here because of her, I feel I owe Doctor Christine for this, just like Bob.

Their main excuse for not giving me a job is because of Ripley, they say I can’t be trusted with women, It seems to be their excuse for not giving me a job, I don’t think it is my shrinks excuse, I think it might be Richard Deerlove’s excuse (there is always a reason). There is even one time Ice Queen and Claire are in as I sit in a pub having lunch, we talk and gen and smile as we usually to. They decide they have had enough of this stupid situation and tell me they are going to help me. After spending so much time with me they know I am the good guys in this. They get Bob in and say to him ‘if it doesn’t work out with one of us the other will take him on’. Bob tells them it was just a test to see if they could be trusted. He says they also did this to him but he saw it coming, it looks like Deerlove is scared of his agents doing the right thing. It starts to seem like I have won over my MI6 shrinks, were all bright and get along, we could achieve so much together it’s only Sleeping Rapist who I don’t get along with, he’s the odd one out in this department. They try to get Fuzz to take me on, they just try to do this to get control over her; if she took me on she would be branded some form of heretic, trying to take control over me and more importantly my abilities. I keep saying to Fuzz I want a step by step plan, she knows so much more than I do about all this, if she told me what to do I would do it.

I get out of hospital on the 29/1/04, and I am glad to. It is horrible being abused like this, it is horrible being imprisoned, but it is far worse getting both. Again it is an experience of misery and suffering.

Dear Diary (early 2004)

(From here on there are a lot of disorganised diary entries from the new year onwards, revisions are new)

I start to try and fix myself now Fuzz is here, I have a moderate degree of success trying to stimulate my damaged mind, it is a new year with new hope. I thought things might change but they haven’t, its 19 minutes into the seventh day of 2004 now and I am sat in a mental ward writing this. Tonight the attacks haven’t been bad but over the last week I have been attacked only on an evening, generally from 6 or 8 onwards. My hypnotic abilities seem weak, I have been getting the right side of my brain attacked more. I am now not sure if she is who she says she is, surely someone from the government would want to make a deal, I just want it to stop.

Its now evening and I have slept for 12 hours or so. I have had quite a productive day, have booked an appointment with a hypnotherapist for Friday, not sure if I have been damaged too much to be able to do much of use (I know now it needs to be eye contact hypnosis, gaze induction, I call it instinctual hypnosis). I am sat here thinking I should have done this before, I did try once but didn’t get anywhere. I was probably talking to an agent though, its surprisingly easy to reroute phone calls when you can see through someone’s eyes. I am getting that weird sensation like a brick is on my head again, they do this to stop me being able to write properly, it results in lack of focus and inability to focus. Have had no major attacks today though woke up with right cerebellum felling sort of numb with an empty sensation. Am seeing Dr. Cappuccino tomorrow.

8^th Jan.04. they tried to give me my powers back last night, they joined (EMT- how my hypnotic abilities are passed on) me with Claire, apparently the best at generating realities, it was a grassy field full of bunnies believe it or not (she likes bunny rabbits)! But all I managed to do was warp the gen and maybe damage her powers in the process, not a good thing as I feel she was thrown into this situation as I was, young, promising and comparably innocent. Me and Claire always get on, we seem to have an affinity for each other. By now she is finding her feet in MI6, at first she would just be quiet and listen to everyone all the time but now she is starting to put her point across, she does want me to get my job. Everyone keeps Sleeping Rapist away from her, he knows he has to stay away from her. I always try to be careful training Claire as she is young but exceptionally good at all this, I try hack through hypnosis and have her only learn the very useful things, I look at her as the first of the next generation of hypnotists, they will be a lot different from old hypnotists.

Bunnies

Bunnies make me want to shout

there so cute

I’m on about

the way they make me feel inside

as cute as love I have to hide

a love that plays

from childhood scene

its fresh its pure

and soft serene

and it lights my friends

through laugh and tease

and makes me feel

though ill at ease

as I’m a shrink

with logic whole

but they’ll find emotions stroll

yes hand in hand with what’s above

they’ll tell me next don’t fall in love

(a poem for Claire- ‘if only we could have known how things would turn out sweetie’)

(ref. 23)

I said I wasn’t going to except a sympathy job (a job is all I have being trying to get for the past six months), it was all I wanted, a quiet job somewhere in a quiet corner of the government helping them with hypnosis but no; they have to damage me beyond repair. I woke up feeling like half my frontal lobes had being removed, they did something bad while I was sleeping (generally when they do this in sleep it‘s horrid when you wake up but the energy soon floods back and within an hour you’re a lot better). I don’t know what to do; can a deal still be made? I shouldn’t want one but I know how bad this could be for my country. Its so stupid; these people are meant to protect our country, this should have been a good time for our country (I mean we could crack the brain, cure mental illness, take away chronic pain and develop new technologies), but due to a few diseased agents (Sleeping Rapist) lying; saying I was a security risk so they could get the recognition for coming up with the powers I did. It was all to progress their pathetic careers. I only wanted them to put their country first. Its because they knew if I made a deal then they wouldn’t be part of this new department, they preferred to fuck over their own country and maybe even their own organisation then let me be better than them. Fuzz just wanted a quiet end to this, I am not sure if we’ll get one now… (Revision- it wasn’t Sleeping Rapist, it was Deerlove)

Its afternoon now and I think fuzz is back, they have made my frontal lobes feel better, not sure what to make of it, I guess time will tell.

Its about midnight now, have had a little sleep and it feels like they’ve been at my frontal lobes again, my shrinks are quiet tonight.

9.01.04 went to a hypnotherapist; Frank, I think he knew I had been attacked as told him the truth. I need to get to the right people. Am going to try contact the BSCH secretary tomorrow.  Am going to spill my guts to a hypnotist in London as well, I found her on the internet (she has lots of letters after name), I figure if I just get one or two people on side ill make it. This Frank did something to ‘juice me up’, I got some powers back but saw a new neural layer, which means its another way to be attacked. I am more confident I can get back to normal. Being going for six months against MI6 now, and I am still not done for…not by a long shot. Am going to write a list of people who know or at least believe I have been attacked (this will include the entire Bridlington police force (well, they thought I was a paedophile at one point), so the press can get truth out. (I have always thought of this as a last resort though… someone like me would absolutely hate being famous)

15.03.2004 I’m in a state since I wrote last, things got a little better in January because of Fuzz, the bad shrink’s were still there though, the experiments still went on.

(revision-when Fuzz was in it was ok, we got on, everyone apart from Rapist liked her-he doesn’t like anyone. I kept asking her for a path out of this, just to tell me what to do and I would do it. I remember her having the nicest smile; she would smile rather than laugh. The only person I ever met that I can compare her to is a girl called Beki G I knew from school, I adored her. I had such a crush on her throughout school, I didn’t just have a crush, she was like my hero, a part of me wanted to be like her, friendly, well rounded, intelligent, confident, caring, hard working but also a bit of a nonconformist and a red head a lot to boot, one of the nicest people you are ever likely to meet.

Ripley’s last words

Around now me and Fuzz talk about Ripley and how I miss her, I cry my eyes out when we talk about her, I miss her. A day or two passes and the same conversation happens again, the conversation is exactly the same, Fuzz mentions the same thing about Ripley, I don’t cry this time, then I just hear Ripley say ‘he’d only be with me now to stop the torture’. I take a moment to process this; I knew then it was Ripley but she is gone, the last words that I would ever hear her speak (?).

A letter to Ripley

This is going to be hard to write. I have had to keep my feelings bottled up for so many years. I remember my promise you know and I will keep to it, I could use a shoulder as it where, I’ve got so much to tell you about. I want you to know I am OK though, a poet and a warrior now, you would be surprised at all I have done, all I have seen and what I have had to face but us high Id’s can be tough when we have to be. I hope you are OK. I know you will try and not think about me but I don’t want you to feel bad, I want you to remember the good things, I do. I still won’t listen to that damn song or read ‘the power book’, I want to face my feelings properly, when I am free. I asked Mr. Thompson to get you my emotional un-suppression trick, I really want you to have it (so shrinks can fall in love after all), I always sensed fire beneath the surface in you, you should let it show a little more, let the odd person beneath that armour. I loved you and I am always a good judge of character. It broke my heart when you left me but I will always want you to be my friend. There is so much more I need to say to you but that will have to wait.  I will always care about you, I still miss you. P.S  find someone who will love you like I would have. Damion x x (ref.24)

Fuzz was trying to get me out of this, they all said I couldn’t be trusted with women, this was their excuse at the time (there’s always an excuse). It’s not just women though, I do form close relationships with women but I do also with friends, I also look up to authority figures, I also feel strongly I should take care of people weaker than me (like children). Why would these things be bad at all? Why is it so bad having strong emotions? I am just a social Asperger. It looks like they want abilities from people like me but not people like me.

I stopped fighting in hope they would stop attacking me; it wasn’t as bad for a while but Sleeping Rapist was there most nights. Then they started to get worse again,

Fuzz was drawn into  some sort of power game and manipulated, they found out something personal to fuzz, it was nothing, but I guessed she worried how it would affect her career. I guess we are all new to telepathy, secrets are hard to keep. (things have to change; just about every member of society will want to keep certain things private- it is a social norm to deviate from the social norm here and there)

MI6... Probably Deerlove, now had something over her, just a bit, but it was enough, I remember at one point she said she was going to tell her boss about what’s happened and Sleeping Rapist said she would get into a lot of trouble about lying to him/her- they had sucked her into a Chinese finger trap, its not her fault, she was just trying to fix this or wanted to at least, she should have got help from her friends in government. She sort of seemed in charge but I think she was trying to make everyone happy. (revision-I guess whoever sent her in thought this would be a simple open shut case. I wonder if they didn’t know I was not a paedophile. I think a lot of people will think, like I did; the SIS are professionals there to protect our country, they will do the right thing. Most agents are good people, all it takes is one dickhead in charge and it all goes wrong. Fucking Deerlove).

Bumbling? Nazi’s? Why?

So I guess Richard Deerlove has wrestled control of me and this department back, this is when the experimentation becomes cruel, I will let you decide if evil is a better word. They start messing up the left side of my brain, messing up newly found neural netting. They destroy this bright tubular blob that was in the centre of my brain, I call this net the core net as it inhabits the core of the brain, my brain feels colder with it gone, these tubes are growing back in different areas of my brain now, I guess it is my brain trying to fix itself or at least I hope so (this maybe tells me a bit about the nature of these frequencies-there not completely localised or they would form in their original position, shows the surrounding black field contributes energy). The experiments have been going on day and night for what seems like an age. Sleeping Rapist’s in a lot, he’s such an idiot, I feel insulted he’s allowed to do this, his extremely low id rate means he learns more from what has worked in the past rather than being logical, his traumas make him want to constantly lash out and hurt people, like his brain thinks this is going to make him better, all he ever does is mess stuff up to see what happens, no hypothesis, no logic, just messing up nerves, logic nodes, neural netting, energy concentrations etc. They’ve learnt how to over and under stimulate areas of my brain’ its not nice but the brain is amazingly adaptable if nothing else it seems.

It is late march 2003- What happens now is I think because of a simple diagram I draw in my note book, I have come up with a theory on personality and the neural nets, I think I am learning quicker than they are, I get told I am too intelligent after I draw my diagram. I am in my flat, I am alone, It is late. Luke and Sleeping Rapist are in. I get ready to go to bed. As I get into bed a strange feeling comes over me. I get told what is going to happen to me, I get told they are going to dissolve the nerves in my head. Luke says ‘most people who have this done have to have brain surgery’, I don’t really understand this statement, I don’t believe him. They look at my nerve net and show me what is happening, there is a drug flowing into my system and it is starting to take effect. Quite quickly my frontal lobe area in this net grows dark and dim then disappears. Luke says ‘look, it stops just before it goes too far (meaning it stops at the pre/motor cortex- the part that lets us move our bodies). The nerves in my pre frontal lobe die as I watch it happen. This drug at first makes me highly logical; my conscious seems to slam to the back of my mind. My hypnotic abilities flood with energy, the black hypnotic world becomes a slushy blue field of thick energy. I can see my shrinks in front of me but they look quite different now. Luke, Sleeping Rapist and Fuzz are in now.

I now see my shrinks  in front of me as currents of energy, I don’t know how but I could completely sense their personalities, Sleeping Rapist is in front of me, I can sense something wrong; what I can only describe as his centre. I look at my shrinks and now they look like children, I am seeing them as how they looked when they were about one third of their age.

This quantum neural network I am in/looking at in my mind is the slushiest bright blue/white grainy field I have ever seen. This net, this inner child net as I decide to call it, is hard to believe, it is like god is playing a trick on me as I see it, how can something like this actually exist in the mind? This impression of our inner child is seemingly in the centre of our chests and a few inches tall. Fuzz’s inner child, looks about twelve, she has bobbed hair like she does now. Mine looks about 9-10, he actually looks like a brave little soldier the way he holds himself, it’s the only way I can describe him. I can only surmise it must be some remnant of our self impression at that age, some form of net which trails behind our normal ageing. I see Sleeping Rapists; it is upsetting, his inner child feels hurt, it looks darker than mine and his head is tilted downward, he cries out seeing this past self impression which is soon replaced by him trying to rip this core out in anger, He replaces it now with a copy of my inner child. I tell him the only way to get better is to face this but he won’t listen to me. This all sounds very strange, It’s beyond me for the moment to understand this net properly, it just feels so hard to believe and take in that this net can exist.

I think this net was the same as the little man I saw in my chest the first time I was sectioned when I learnt how to make my EMS bigger, If I am right at the time this self impression of me was actually moving, shaking his hands up and down, maybe a reflection on how the abuse in hospital was effecting me.

I am soon lulled off to sleep, I don’t understand what is really happening to me, not until I wake up, this drug is giving me a chemical lobotomy, the area where the drug has killed the nerves is where all higher brain function is done, it is the same effect as having a spike driven into it like a conventional lobotomy, this is the area that lets us think as we do, a major difference between us and animals, the nerves there in me are not damaged, they are dead, they are completely gone.

Lobotomy? What lobotomy?

It is now the morning after. I stir from unconsciousness, every single one of my shrinks are in my mind to see what state I am in, they expect me to be a mess, after all I’ve had a bloody lobotomy. A big smile curls up on my face as I wake up, the girls are all stood very close next to me in the hypnotic world, they are here to pick up the pieces, I smile with them all around me, women are very emotionally pleasant to sense (well Ice Queen, Claire and Fuzz are), I just feel like a cat with his cream. I just start chatting away and gening as per usual, they are all pretty much in shock at this, I was fine, smiling and in quite a good mood and more importantly; not a dribbling cabbage. (I so wish I could have seen Deerlove’s face when he found out about this). I soon realise what has really happened to me, about surviving a lobotomy intact. I don’t feel upset at this, I feel amazed, If I can get through something like this I can get through anything.

So now I’ve not just witnessed myself have a breakdown, yesterday day I witnessed myself have a lobotomy, it just feels sometimes like god looked after me with this one, helping me, but only when I really need it-that’s how it feels anyway, I shouldn’t have got through this, but somehow I did.

The science bit- ‘neurological support with quantum hypnosis’

I know from my own experience that a lobotomy can be supported with quantum hypnosis and completely negated. I reason support for other forms of brain damage will be possible. The problem is this treatment is very labour intensive; I seem to need two people on the other end of my bug twenty-four hours a day for the rest of my life. Therapies without constant hypnotic support for brain damage will be possible- increasing neural activity to speed up recovery- an adult may be able to recover from brain damage with the adaptability of a child, speeding up neural pathways restructuring. Maybe even technology could do something similar to hypnotic support- remember all that is keeping my brain functioning is a radio wave from a single tiny bug in principle. These concepts are sound but much work would need to go into this to provide any proper therapies. (ref. 25) 

From this point onwards my life changes forever, I am slow to realise it but it was my hypnosis; my abilities that saved me. From this point onwards I am dependant on hypnotic contact (hypno-dependant you could say). For the rest of my life I will need my bug or hypnotic contact in person to function, my bug now keeps my mind functioning. This is why I can never be alone again, a hard thing to take in, hypnosis is like my life support now. At least I am a social Asperger, I think other people wouldn’t cope as well as me, I like being around people a lot but just not through this damn bug. This event leads me to believe my hypnosis will lead to helping millions of people with brain damage, something I think should be explored properly, researched, refined... perfected- it could give hope to so many, this is what my hypnosis is for, this is why it is so important to me.

The lobotomy drug doesn’t have the intended effect on me; it should have destroyed my intellect, it should have stopped my brain waves binding- basically that is what this beautiful structure; personality does, It should have disappeared from my mind along with a lot of what makes me, me. After this things get bad, they start to just act like Nazis, I call them bumbling Nazi’s, if they wanted results they just had to give me a job, I am way better than Luke who is apparently the best MI6 has got. I come up with result after result for them to try and win them over. I even tell them I will work in an ‘ivory tower’ if they don’t trust me. Everyone- all my agents know I am not a threat. I try and plan for anything that could go wrong.

I have put up a good fight in the hypnotic world up to this point but now they find a way to copy my abilities without EMT as soon as I come up with them, I realise now this is a losing battle fighting in my mind. I have always being able to slip about the hypnotic world and adapt to what has being done to me. I have to fight in other ways now. I try and control my mind, but with a mind like mine it is difficult. I would be fine if I had depth of hypnosis like what they do, your hypnotic abilities are a lot stronger like that. If I was in a deep state like them things would be different. I am out manned and outgunned.

Around this time I meet a really nice girl called Sarah. She is sweet and we get into a relationship, talking to her is a nice break from all of this. Her flat is like her little nest, it feels cosy and safe there. I do not tell her about my real life, not at first.

Now the drugging starts, Deerlove has not learnt his lesson, he wants to either damage or destroy my mind, probably because he wants control over my hypnosis, my hypnosis is too big for one country never mind a secret service, my abilities are for humanity, they can help too many people, a country like ours would surely hold the same belief as me right? (As I like to say my hypnosis is more a responsibility than an ability).

They start to spike me every single day with a drug that makes me bork (nearly be sick), sweat, my skin will feel like little needles are pricking me and I will feel angry, it only lasts for ten minutes I find. They stimulate my left cerebellum when this drug is in my system, the area which is related to my hypnotic abilities. They are doing area specific brain damage to me, active neurons must die with this in my system that must be what the pin pricks are; nerves dying. I can’t help but think how this could be used to treat epilepsy without surgery ( a possible silver lining to the cloud of my abuse) , but this should not be happening to a human being. I am always willing to do what it takes if it was to help people but this is just sick.

I soon work out it is a spray of some description; I get spiked touching my door handle and the like. You have to remember they can hear my thoughts and plans of what to do and even see through my vision (a quantum net at the front of the mind like a window) so they always know where I am. I think to myself they might be using an ultra heated spray, I saw it once on T.V, it is an invention that could replace hypodermic needles, I don’t know why but ever since I was a child I always thought scientific information like this is just useful. Great, they know about this device too now and soon start using it (telepathy is a bitch indeed sometimes), I start to get this same pin pricks and all after passing people in the street. I just don’t have it in me to attack someone who could be innocent; I am not aggressive at all. These agents were probably some nice people who actually thought they were doing what was in his country’s best interest, maybe they were told I was a paedophile or a terrorist. Ripley said to me once there were some bad people who have got in charge, I think there might have been some truth to that, seemingly that’s all it takes; one bad guy at the top. I wonder if it was power or greed he was after, after all my abilities are worth billions, maybe people would screw over their own country for a chance to be that rich.

Over a week there is only one single day I don’t get spiked, I am trying my best to be careful but they keep getting me. From the look of my quantum neural networks I don’t know how I am still functioning, they look a mess. I’ve rerouted some energy to my frontal lobes maybe that’s helping, I know this could have massive implications for people suffering from brain damage but I need to get this out, if I don’t do it I feel no one will, there happy to let people go unaided in the pursuit of personal power, too many people know about this for them ever to come out with this.

This is when they really started acting like bumbling Nazi’s as I call them. How could they let people suffer when we could help them, this is just insanity to me. I’m not going to last long against this kind of punishment, I need help now. I have to move to supported housing to get away from the drugs, I move through to Hull, my psychiatric nurses help me find this place. I have got a city and its resources on my doorstep now.  I am going to get help. I’m not going down.

(revision- I came back from hull, I didn’t like the place I had to stay and I still got constantly spiked. It is nice hiding away at Sarah’s flat when I get back, she is a really nice girl, it was comfortable being with her, I liked being around her. It wasn’t love but I cared about her. Advanced hypnosis and science were a bit over her head though, I guess this applies to many people).

27.04.04 They’ve been spiking me with drugs every day, they’re using a spray device- Sarah’s flat must be littered with drug traces. I am a mess, most of my nerves are gone, just the ones at the back and some at the top are left (Revision- not all nerves but a quantum network of nerves). They must have been using something strong (revision- the damage wasn’t as bad as it looked, they were suppressing my nerves with hypnosis but the drugs really did kill nerves, especially the chemical lobotomy). There generating an EM field to support my brain’ they want to make it so they can’t fix me, its sick, on the occasions they stop putting this energy in me, my head aches so bad. They’ve been in my daughters head (revision 2010- I still hope this was a scare tactic and not real, its unthinkable) , she’s fucking six, I think it happened some months ago, a woman with brown hair; straight I am not sure if she went to her school or not I remember bits from a dream; they were torturing me by telling me about it, I just remember screaming, how is a person meant to deal with this. They said she was high Id rate and she has my powers (I hope this is untrue). I have got to make sure she’s safe, I have got to get her out of the country or make a deal with the real government. This can’t be allowed to go on. I have got to stop it. If I can’t help her I don’t think anyone will. I have told Dr Christine about her, but she’s on holiday now and doesn’t know about this. She might help. I have booked a flight to New York. to get help and I won’t be coming back without a fight.

They increased their EM fields the other day, a bright blue field (I got mad and mine expanded and they learnt it , a new network for them to mess with, not good).  Luke’s gone really fucked up for some reason and just wants to spike me all the time, he is actually enjoying this it seems, something is seriously wrong with Luke.

The drugging is happening a few times a day now, I feel sweaty, tired, sickly and angry from it’ it seems to subside quite quickly, they do the buzzy numb sensation as well. Fuzz won’t help, they’ve manipulated her and have her career over a barrel, I think she wants too but it would mean her careers over, she shouldn’t have let this happen.

A third brush with death

The night of the first drugging my life nearly ended, I may not have actually died but as Pete said ‘we planned to put you to sleep’ being a good person saved me. Then the chemical lobotomy should have done something similar, my abilities saved me. Some would argue these things could be worse than death, this time things are different, this time they plan to properly kill me. It is now the end of June 2004. I have to do something; I can’t last against this type of punishment. I decide to flee the country, I have to do something. I spend just about every penny I have on a plane ticket to America, to New York. I sleep at my parents hoping I will be safer. There is not a free bed upstairs so I have to sleep in the conservatory. I drift off to sleep. I wake up in the morning and memories flash straight into my mind, they were there last night, they hypnotised me again in the control level. I remember ‘being under’ well. Luke and Sleeping Rapist were there.

I was raped under hypnosis, I don’t know if this was ordered but it happens, I know he has HIV also so I am exposed to this, I know I don’t have anything like this as I go for regular screenings. Afterwards Sleeping Rapist pulls out this small black round contraption, as I am bent over the sofa he pushes it into my anus and presses something. He has rubber gloves on and puts this contraption into a black bin bag afterwards. He say’s ‘you don’t know how dangerous this is’ and shows me him putting it into the bag. This is an attempt on my life, this is meant to kill me, they were later to tell me it is a bacterial infection from an animal but I don’t really know. I get told it is a horrible way to die; your insides get eaten away at.

As soon as I wake and remember all this I check myself, I can tell something has been done to me. I go to the bathroom, I take a couple of samples with a cotton bud and put them in containers and then flush myself out with bleach. I don’t have time for doctors or the police and they probably wouldn’t help anyway. I need to get ready for my flight, I try and talk Sarah into giving me a lift to Manchester air port but after constant pleading she won’t help, I have to spend money on a taxi, it leaves me one hundred and fifty dollars to spend when I actually get there. This isn’t thought out but I have to do something.

The last words I write in ‘my story’ before I leave for America- Am scared there going to get me sectioned before I can get help. If all else fails I’ll go to the CIA and make a deal, I know they haven’t told them. I am getting desperate. I am scared.

Part 3-

An invisible war

                                                    

Part three of my book will take some time to reconstruct from my diaries; from this point on I keep a regular diary. They will not make for happy reading though; they are more a log of the abuse I face, you find this abuse usually in the forefront of your mind and real life events take a back seat, it helps to write down the abuse, it provides an outlet for this pain, especially when you have no one to talk to who really understands; I only really have my diary. I will give a brief outline of the major events in part three, I do miss out a lot, there is a lot I want to write about but for the moment this is the ‘save my life edit’, the full part three will appear in the next edit. Part three is my life between may 2004 and January 2007. Bear with me; part four is properly written. So by now you must know what hell I am facing, Ok- the major events then...

I go to America but I don’t find the help I am looking for. I say I am an asylum seeker and I am put straight in prison. It is a horrid experience. Richard Deerlove gets fired five days after I arrive in the USA, after I contact our embassy. You would think this would be an end to this but it in fact gets worse over time (in years to come). I would like to know who fired Deerlove; I can guess at this but surely the prime minister wouldn’t act in such a cruel fashion, surely he would stop all this abuse if he knew the truth. I get locked in a cell and the abuse is much worse in a prison cell, it is a blur of misery, it really is. I get nobody official to talk to, not even a lawyer even though I try in vain to get one. I start to get pain in my bowels and blood in my faeces from the bacterial infection: it is eating away at my bowels. I am eventually given an antibiotic, this is a classic Sleeping Rapist moment, he would have picked a disease because it was a horrid/sick way to die rather than being clinical, so again I survive this brush with death thanks to their bumbling (years later this still winds Sleeping Rapist up). I meet a new shrink in America from our government; Paris, I think he will help me, I am so happy when he comes in, I think this will bring an end to all this.

I find out Sleeping Rapist has raped twenty one women now, I think a lot of Fuzz (to be put in the next edit- its complicated) so he attacks her to get at me and gloats about this to me. Days later he was experimenting with trying to be more intelligent with hypnosis, with my frequencies, I know what frequencies like this are like, I saw my chance; I just simply asked him how many women has he raped, he thought ‘twenty one’ out loud, everyone hears this and he went completely nuts, I found his Achilles heel, his name now becomes Active Rapist. This is when I start trying to extract information on what he has done. His name soon becomes Trophy Rapist as I extract more information on him. I knew he had attacked women before now but I thought he would have used hypnosis, I found out he is a proper rapist and a violent one, I should have known, I never thought. More happens, I get networked with fifty six people at once and I actually start thinking in an America accent, I have my subconscious joined with Active Rapists, a cerebellum circular field, an important net indeed, it is horrible. I see a multitude of Quantum Networks but I am suffering too much to do diagrams, it really is a blur of suffering. I think the Americans might have wanted me to help me but I get no one official to talk to (all to be put in the next edit).

I didn’t know at the time but I was drugged with sodium penathol (I didn’t realise what this drug did to me at the time, it was years later when I was spiked with it again when I found out the effects it has on the mind). From the point of being drugged everything is a complete blur in America. I thought the Americans wouldn’t help me and I would come home to my country doing the right thing- my job so I came home. At least the Americans now know of my abilities, there is more chance of them being used for the right reasons if two countries have them, at least I have achieved something good.

The story of Luke’s net

One of the things I am most proud of happens in America. Luke is a mess, he is rash irritable and is lashing out a lot, I realise now something is wrong with him. I ask him what has happened. He tells me; he had seen this a new network and simply mixed it together, he shows me it, it is bright blue brain shaped field, a beta network. He explains all he did was push this net in two different directions, so it looks like there were two of them, that’s all he did and It really messed him up. He tells me he has spent so much time trying to manipulate this net to fix it. I say to him ‘you should have told me’.

As soon as I find out about this I tell him I can fix him (or I’ll damn well try at least), I tell him to do the same thing to me. I must admit I am a little hesitant, I can see what it has done to him but by now I know what my mind is capable of; I know I can do it, I know I can fix him. He applies the same trick on me; he pushes this net out of sync, in two different directions. My mind suffers the same effect as his. I spend hours in a right state, irritated, rash and scatty. I start doing things without thinking, lashing out, it isn’t nice; it is a fight. I keep coming back to try to fix this network time after time. After I try for short while I will forget it and try something else or do something else. I have found the best way for me to work with hypnosis is to do this; if I can’t get a result I will try something else and come back to my problem, this way I am always making head way, it seems to help me look at my problem with a fresh mind, it also helps with thinking around a problem.

After quite some time, after trying all sorts to fix this problem I finally tune myself into another level. I just try to sink into my own mind and tune into what is actually wrong with it; what feels wrong. I find I tune into a different network but not the one he had messed up, a different one.

I just tried to find where was wrong in my mind, looking where this awful sensation was coming from, I found a completely new network, I could tell there was something wrong with it, I use this new net to fix the first net he had messed up- it was one of only two green nets I have found in the mind, it looks like the surface of the brain made up of green thunderbolts. It’s a while ago as I write this, I can’t remember if I stimulated or suppressed this net but I fixed it, I fixed myself and fixed Luke with it also. I had fixed Luke.

As soon as I have fixed Luke I get this new network displaced in my mind so I cannot find it again by ‘guess who’. Sleeping Rapist gens a purple net that looks similar and tries to convince me it is this network that is the real one. It doesn’t matter; I have achieved what I needed to, I have saved my friend, and if things were the other way round, I know he would do the same for me.

It’s things like this that really make me feel my life is worthwhile. The points in my life I will never forget. I’d like to call this green net Luke’s net as a present to him. Luke had given up on getting better, given up on his career, even given up on his mental health; take my advice, never do this, never give up, ever. (ref. 26)

Even when there is no hope, there is always hope of hope…so there is always hope (ref. 27)

I get back home and I soon get sectioned, I am in hospital a year or so. They start drugging me again. They give me a drug that damages memory first. They then start with the nerve toxins again, they are carrying on what Deerlove started, in fact over time they do worse, they damage different areas but they concentrate on my left cerebellum. Scarlet the new head of MI6 is just as bad as Deerlove it seems. Something has gone wrong at the top of MI6, even my shrinks think so. Now it is not about getting my abilities, they are just doing damage and torturing me. They even hypnotise and join my mind with some mental patients, I remember someone called John who’s frontal lobes are ‘burnt out’ (is the only way I can describe it) from an amphetamine addiction and they try mix his mind with mine, to do the same thing to me, I can feel what is wrong with him when they join our minds.

I do my best to fight but it seems when I am getting somewhere I get sectioned and tortured much worse, it is much harder when you are locked up. It takes a while to get better from these imprisonments. They filter out my good shrinks until I am left with just Paris and his pet Paedophile after a year or so. They start a regime of torturing and damaging me over and over to try and do permanent damage; I don’t know why they do this, probably for personal money and power. I don’t see my good shrinks now, it is always Paris who I can only describe as a reprobate and Trophy Rapist, I never get any time awake without Trophy Rapist there. Paris gives Trophy Rapist different ways to abuse me, he becomes addicted to this abuse; he obsessively abuses me and even downloads my networks into his own mind. I sense his sick sexual pleasure from abuse very strongly from this joining of quantum networks; he becomes more and more scatty and obsessive over time from downloading my frequencies.

The science bit ‘selective brain damage (A theoretical treatment for epilepsy)’

This is based on the bumbling Nazi brain damage experiments. I am administered a nerve toxin. These toxins seem to do more damage to stimulated areas of the brain. They simply stimulate (with hypnosis) the area of the brain you wish to damage and the neurons in that area will die at a much faster rate than non stimulated neurons.

Side effects of the neuro-toxin are pin prick feelings on skin, a vomit/gagging reaction, sweating and changes to perception. The drug only lasts ten minutes or so. Other effects depend on which area of the brain is damaged. I have had every lobe in my brain subjected to this, I can only guess at how I would function without hypnotic support, my hypnosis is very potent it seems to help with brain damage. This is another unnecessary experiment, simple suppression and stimulation would have yielded enough to understand this, another example of why I call them bumbling Nazi’s. (ref. 28)

Sometime in 2006 or so I find Trophy Rapist is actually a paedophile from my ‘hacking’, I never suspected, and he is a very dangerous one, his name now becomes Paedophile Rapist. He goes nuts when he slips up and I find this out. I never thought he would do this; I start to hack information on what he has done to children. I thought they would kill him for this but they don’t. I stop extracting information after I find out he has killed more than one child in 2009 or so, it takes me a long time to find things out and to be sure, I think it is damaging to my mind doing this. I can’t believe they abuse me and actually employ him, this is....unthinkable?

I feel it is my responsibility to do something about this, MI6 obviously won’t deal with the fact one of their agents has killed children. He also has the training to get away with this. It scares me what he would do to children with both old hypnosis and my hypnosis. This is something I try and not think about too much, especially with him in hypnotic contact with me constantly, can you imagine how you would feel thinking about this? Now think how a child killer would think about this, can you imagine what this is like being in hypnotic contact with him? I have to live with this, more than any human should have to bear.

Profile of Paedophile Rapist

He is Short 5’10/11ish, about six years older than me and has a full head of short dark thin hair. He has a tubby build.

He has Killed more than two children, has raped multiple (eight I think) children it seems, buried them in a wooded area I think, he will have stuck to his training. He will have used hypnosis to kidnap and abuse children.

He was raped by a man and traumatised at some point in the past, ironically someone seemingly like him. He has  six super ego traumas. He is of a Moody disposition, he never laughs. He has HIV.

He went to an MI6 university (where they recruit). He has a Low Id rate and a low IQ. His father was very controlling; he forced him to learn, maybe also MI6. He does the jobs no one else wants in the department. He has either a schizoid personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. He is part of a paedophile ring. I have got reactions to the names Robert and Simon from him.

 I can read his emotions well and his click factor. It wasn’t nice extracting this information but I needed this information, I figured MI6 would dispose of him because of this, isn’t this a disaster in the making for them? It would take months of questioning him to even find out a bit and be sure, I had to outwit him and break him down, this is not easy for a telepath, you cannot plan or keep anything secret. Eventually I would break him down to the point where he would sort of give up and except that I knew the truth, this is when I was sure. With this I had to do the same as with my powers before, they could copy my powers so I had to come up with new one’s, with logic it’s the same, he could hear my thoughts but I could stay one step ahead. It helped Paedophile Rapist being stupid and downloading lots of my frequency’s from joining minds extensively with me. I was to learn he had a paedophile ring(%100), he has raped 8 children (%75)and he has killed children (%100), I think 6 but could be wrong. He used hypnosis to abduct them (I was surprised, I thought he would have being careful bought children from people who smuggle them into the country). He obviously used hypnosis to abuse them. Big things are easier but details are hard. I gave up after finding he has killed more than one child, it is not psychologically healthy or pleasant doing these things, on top of that I’m not a natural manipulator at all. It is now one of the biggest things in my life to take down this paedophile ring, how to do it though? Who’s got the ball to investigate a MI6 paedophile ring? I wish MI5 were here, they would go nuts, especially Ripley and Buttons. I wish I could contact them, they’d know what to do. I have done my best to find things out, It isn’t easy when he can hear my every thought, I hope it is enough. (ref. 29)

I am to find it isn’t easy fighting this mind control. They hack everyone around me, my friends, and my family. Just about everyone. I always avoid eye contact but it seems they can manipulate people to a degree without it, I know eye contact makes the people around me much more susceptible. And poor old me will have the effects of a lobotomy and probably worse if I get out of range of hypnotic contact and go ‘off line’. At least this is a testament to how my hypnosis could help people with brain damage, they have done much worse brain damage to me now, and it looks like hypnosis can support more than a lobotomy. I should be a mess. A lot more happens in part three; escaping mental wards, more drugging, falling in love, nearly dying from an overdose (not a suicide attempt), being sectioned again and more, it will all be in my next edit.

I tell Dr. Jarhead who has been my psychiatrist for some time now I am considering going to the press around the end of 2006, I don’t want to do this but I will fight for what is right. This country didn’t fight a losing war to end up acting like Nazis doing sick experiments on innocent people, I am sure so many people will help me if they knew of all this, help is out there, I am sure. I am back on my feet now and want to get out of this, I try in vain to get Jarmen to help me, probably more than what I should, this leads on to part four.

Part 4

Hard times

Hard Times

Times they may seem oh so hard

no hope in sight

seems hopes so far

day and night they blend as one

midnights here

its not yet gone

and circles lie

within this mind

I need hope to see

and free my mind

and just to find

all just a test

fight till last

till final breath

(ref. 30)

                                                                

It’s still hard to remember a lot, my memory has been damaged quite a bit. I have been through extensive nerve damage especially to my left cerebellum, they have damaged everywhere, all the different areas of my brain but it is mainly my left cerebellum, this drugging and stimulation of nerves keeps going on, that’s the worse of what I have to go through. They do it slowly so I don’t end up dribbling in a chair and getting better after a few months, they drug me over and over. By now I have been spiked hundreds of times; maybe close to a thousand, sometimes it is more than once a day. I can beat hypnosis but brain damage is harder. My chemical lobotomy shows how my hypnosis can support this type of thing, it’s still not nice though. My own brain damage gives me hope for people suffering from neurological disorders, even with bad things if you look hard enough you can find some good in them; silver linings. I have faced so much by this point, I don’t think things can really get any worse than what I have had to face, I am to find out it could worsen, that’s if you can actually believe that.

Awaken to misery

It is the 23/2/07, I have recently told Dr. Jarhead I am going to the press if I can’t find any other solution, I don’t want to do this but no human can live like what I have to, even when it is quiet I get abused by Paris and Paedophile Rapist like it is normal for them. I have a meeting with Dr. Jarhead today, she tells me she is stopping my Clozoril, a panic runs over me. I state how this drug helps me sleep (this stuff knocks you out), after being abused all day some tablets that knock you out are a life saver, after all what other escape do I have from all this? She tells me I have to take this injection thing instead; I don’t like the sound of this at all. She tells me I will have to stay in hospital for this change over of medication, I get scared of this also, after what I have been through in these places I have a good impression of what I am in for. I say I don’t want to stay in hospital, she arranges me to get sectioned, soon I will have a doctor and a social worker I need to win over to stop this happening. I know what this is all about, I recently said to her I was considering going to the press, I don’t like the idea of being famous but it might be a solution, it might be a way out, this is why this is happening. I am soon in front of Dr. Jarhead, Dr. Potter from my surgery and a social worker for a decision on if I should be put under section. I plead my case as much as I can, they must be able to tell I am scared of this, maybe deeply worried would be a better term. I leave the room as they discuss my case, I go and have a cigarette and await this decision. I see Dr. Potter leaving the ward, I ask him what has happened, he states ‘don’t worry Damion you’re not going to be sectioned’ a feeling of relief comes over me. I soon have to go back in the room to see Dr. Jarhead; she says I have to let people go into my flat. I know what this is, my place is a mess, with all this going on it can be hard to take care of yourself, I think they will section me for this so I say no. I get to leave the room thinking I am ok, I am soon to find out I am not. I find I am not allowed off the ward, I find I am sectioned again in a locked ward and this time I won’t have my clozoril to help me sleep, I know what I am in for, I know what is going to happen, this isn’t good. One of the nurses tells me it’s disgusting how they sectioned me; it doesn’t make me feel any better.

My clozoril is reduced over the next few days and I am given an injection in my bum. If I refuse this medication I will be pinned down and have it injected into me like I am an animal. I am tired and not feeling very well, I take to pacing up and down the ward, it is so claustrophobic, someone like me needs a lot of stimulation and this is the complete opposite of that. I am allowed to go to the supermarket to get a magazine to read flanked by two male nurses. I see Heidi there; it has been such a long time since I have seen her. She looks pretty as ever and with the red hair I always liked. I don’t talk to her, what would I be able to say? Instead of talking to her when I get back to the ward I write a letter to her in my diary so hopefully she can read it one day. Heidi may have left me to die the night of the first drugging by MI5 but I still care about her and she is the mother of my daughter.

I am soon off the clozoril, I get told the injection will take a while to kick in, they give me something called haloperidol I can take if I start to feel bad. I do feel bad, in fact I feel awful so I take this drug. I am not sleeping very well now, I wander round the ward desperately trying to feel better. I lay on sofas, I watch T.V, I go for cigarettes, I lie on my bed and try to get sleep but nothing helps. I take the haloperidol, when you feel this bad you want to take the tablets they offer you, I think in the sub conscious you think that they might make you feel better. I start to find I am twitching and shaking, it is worse than you imagine, it is like your muscles are always tensed up, it gets worse and worse, it also makes it hard to go to sleep. It takes me a while to realise the haloperidol is making my muscles like this; it is an awful ‘old’ psychiatric medication. When I do manage to fall asleep I wake with the vaguest memories of when I actually fell to sleep, I remember it feels like your body is melting, it feels like bliss. I soon stop taking the haloperidol. This is when the torture starts, when the sleep deprivation starts. Paris tried doing this before but when I was on clozoril; it was too strong, it would knock me out for four or more hours even when they stimulated beta brain waves which is how sleep deprivation is done. They experiment with this sleep deprivation and try different ways to do it, another one of the Bumbling Nazi experiments to find out how to hurt people. They now start to control when I sleep. I find even if I dream for a short time, even after days without sleep I feel so much better from this. Paris states ‘that’s the problem with this’ after he notices this effect of even brief dreams. The torture continues, I arrange a hearing to try and get out of this section, I need to get out of here, It won’t happen for weeks though, I just need to be tough. I finally get to this tribunal, I am a mess but I put my point across well, I try to explain things as well as I can but they won’t listen. One bright but annoying member of the tribunal says about Occam’s razor, he falls back on such an annoying logical point; the obvious answer is the right answer. I say to him ‘million to one chances pop up nine times out of ten’ to put the point across that low chances do pop up in life; he laughs, he has read the same book I heard that quote from. By his reasoning human experimentation never actually happens; it only happens in say one percent of these situations; it only pops up one percent of the time so he believes it pops up zero percent of the time. He seems bright, bright but ignorant, unwilling to listen to new ideas unfamiliar to him. My appeal fails, ignorance trumps logic. I have to stay. I am a prisoner again.

The sleep dep gets worse and worse. I even tell them I will give up and ask them for terms and conditions but they say nothing and just continue. The sleep deprivation goes on; it is misery. I lay in my hospital bed, I smoke cigarettes and I pace round the claustrophobic ward for day after day, it gets worse and worse. Paris gets Fuzz in as I lay there in pain, she says to me ‘there not torturing you with this, there trying to drive you mad’ and then she disappears from my mind.

It is the 11/4/07 I write a simple and chilling entry in my diary, I say I will give up, I ask for terms and condition; they say nothing, they just continue with this. I don’t want to give up, it is more like my mind is crying out in pain, I just want to end this pain. This is the last time I write in my diary for some time, all I would be able to write about is how I am suffering, I do not write a word in it for years.

Then one day they sleep deprive me and just keep doing it. The sleep deprivation continues, two days, three days then four. After four days I lay in my bed and think to myself, cry out might be a better term; ‘I want to die’ as I lay there suffering, Paris says to me ‘you don’t know how hard it is to make people like you kill themselves’. Soon Fuzz comes in, she says to me ‘I love you’, I just lay there in pain, blank, I don’t respond to these words but they are logged in my mind forever, I know she would never say such a thing while I am like this, It was an order from Paris, it is just nice to hear these words, it is nice to imagine. I know I cannot trust what Fuzz says, I have to fall back on what I know of her, all I know is she likes me to some degree and she is just about the nicest girl I have ever met, but she is on the other side of no man’s land. MI6 seem to try to control their shrinks like they do me, like they want to change what my shrinks think and feel and think of me, I think they don’t want it to come out how nice, intelligent, caring and funny I can be. The annoying thing is few people have seen me at my best, I feel I am very socio-specific, there are only certain people I really get on with, I like intelligent people but I seldom seem to meet them. Heidi and my shrinks are some of the few bright friends I have ever had, I wish I had a little more from life in this way; it doesn’t take much for me to be happy.

Fuzz says to me one day she might have to lie about me, I don’t really know what she means. Probably to validate what I have been through, these evil experiments, some ultimate reason I could never get a job (there is always a reason). I hope the truth of the person I am gets out. At least they can’t make me out to be a paedophile, the breakdown proves that is not possible for someone like me. I wonder what Fuzz had to say to her department head when Deerlove got control over her, surely she wouldn’t have said I was an actual paedophile. My beliefs at least say so much about me; I don’t hurt things and I am a good person are some of my strongest beliefs in my ego, I know this from psychoanalysis abuse Paris did to me, he was learning about my beliefs so I did as well- they are at the bottom of the far left ego column, I guess that’s an important column if they are located there in me.

After a four day stint without any sleep at all, after I say I want to die the sleep dep just stops, I finally get to sleep again. I don’t sleep well but I do sleep. The staff on the ward let me go to my flat with a nurse now, I start to find bits of clozoril tablets around my flat, in draws and the like. They don’t seem like clozoril though but they do make me sleep. I am sure MI6 has planted them, as long as I sleep I don’t care, I don’t want to face that torture again. I even found the smallest chipped tablet fragments in a draw that knock me out for twelve hours, it wasn’t clozoril at all. This injection I get doesn’t do anything, it certainly does not help me sleep, I guess if you give antipsychotics to a sane person it won’t do much. My problems are not mental illness so are completely untreatable obviously, treatment resistant my psychiatrists say, but not immune to treatment. If I was immune to treatment they wouldn’t be able to validated forcing all this on me, my beliefs will never change, they are based on analysis and logic; logic dictates.

Not my heroine

I am still locked away in Buckrose and it is hard, I sleep but not well. There is one night I remember very well, they have my shrinks in and they keep humiliating me as I sleep; they make me look stupid, I can only describe it as emotional chaos this happens sometimes. I don’t remember exactly what was said but I remember my shrinks being stood over me, they made me look weak pathetic and stupid with the wrong emotional reactions. I don’t mind Paris and Paedophile Rapist seeing this, it bothers me more when it is Luke and Fuzz. They were trying to humiliate me. To anyone who faces this type of thing in the future I say to you ‘stand tall against such things and remember who you are’, either that or ‘a dream really is just a dream’.

I get offered heroin from someone in Buckrose, he tells me how it takes all your worries and cares away, it sounds tempting with how I am feeling. I know it’s stupid but I feel so bad, I get told it feels like your wrapped in cotton wool, it sounds like an escape to this abuse and misery. I eventually get him to get me some; it is all too easy to take the easy way out to feeling better. They are letting me go out by myself for short periods now, I start to use this time to get heroin, I pop back to my flat to smoke it. I won’t inject (I just couldn’t stick a needle in my arm) it but I smoke it. Ironically I find myself not as sensitive to this drug as others I meet who take it.

Most people get a thing, a sleepy state of feeling nice and being half conscious, I never really get this, I just get a chirpy feeling that would make me feel better. I knew what I was getting myself into, I wanted a hiding place- somewhere I could escape the gnawing pain and problems of my tumultuous life. I thought heroin would be a good hiding place, at least I might feel happy some of the time, I was wrong.

I find Paris and Paedophile Rapist always stop torturing me when I take heroin, I guess they want me to take it. It does not affect me that much for some reason, it just perks my mood a bit but I was to find the misery of what it was like to go without it after you have taken it for a couple of weeks. My first withdrawal comes on the very day they let me out, one of the nurses finds me on my bed looking ill and sweating, she says ‘what have you done’? She knows something is wrong, I just tell her I am a bit ill.

So I am free, free from all these months of imprisonment (well, they change it to a community section in these instances- crimeless probation). Free from hospital but not free in any sense of the word, chained now to addiction as well as the secret service.

I now hang around with scum, the heroin circle, it sounds a bit judgemental but it is an apt description, only the odd person seemed ok to me. They would all screw you over for a little money. I never tell them about my life, my real life, the secret service and my hypnosis. The secret service still drug me all the time with the nerve toxin that feels like needles pricking you, it is usually the left cerebellum they attack, they do this a lot, and I mean a lot. The damage is now getting severe. My life is miserable, I still get tortured but left alone when I take the heroin. Months now fly by; this is not a good time in my life.

An easy way out?

I have now been taking heroin for some time- I think life can’t get much worse than what it is, the torture and added misery of a heroin addiction is horrible. I am desperate to get away from the misery of this addiction; I can’t fix my life till I get off this stuff.

I ask to be put in hospital, I actually want it this time, I want to be somewhere I cannot get these drugs, it might be hard but I need to do it. My nurses won’t put me in hospital on my request, great; they lock me up all these times and then when I actually need it they won’t put me in! Bastards. I need to get away from this heroin and the awful associates I find I have got involved with. I decide to lie and say I have taken an overdose of a whole seven dihydrocodine, I discussed this with my parents and got the dihydrocodine off them, I knew it would be safe and needed to put some in me in case they did a toxin screen. I could get away from the drugs and get back to being fighting fit, I thought this would be a good thing to do, I did not realise the hell that lay ahead of me. I go to hospital and see the doctor, I say I have taken an overdose, he keeps me in for the night. My nurses are contacted and now agree to let me go into somewhere called Mill View in Castle Hill hospital near Hull. I get driven there by a nurse.

I am sure this happens in 2008 but my medical notes say 2007, I do remember a Jeckle and hide TV show been on BBC one- that should clear this up. I get to the hospital and look around, it seems nice and the staff there do seem friendly. The first night in hospital I sleep well, I go to sleep thinking being here might be ok; I am yet to experience the pure misery I am going to experience here. I awake after the first night’s sleep and then it starts.

Paris and Paedophile Rapist start to make me go day after day without sleep. They keep gening a blue static field in my frontal lobes. I lay there for so long trying to sleep, tossing and turning, sweating, half conscious. I go five days in total without sleep, it is horrendous. I soon learn what sleep deprivation does to the human mind. I start to find day three and day four are the worst, you sort of reach a ‘plane of misery’ after that. After five days they let me sleep, I get given some zopiclone; a sleeping tablet to help me sleep, I take it at ten o clock and at twenty past I finally fall to sleep, sleep; at last. I awake before midnight, it starts again, I get an hour and a half sleep in total. I try in vain to find ways to feel better, to escape this, I try having baths, senseless attempts at getting sleep for hours on end. I lie there for hours in what I was to call ‘half sleep’, ‘quarter sleep’ etc etc depending on how conscious I was. It is not like sleep at all. After five days without sleep they let me get half an hour, an hour, or an hour and a half sleep tops, it looks like they have perfected their sleep deprivation torture (or ‘sleep dep’ as I was to call it). They would let me get a little sleep for a couple of days and then make me go five days without again. It is perpetual misery, even when I try to read the news paper for a distraction they mess with my eyes ability to focus which they can also do so I cannot find any escape from the misery. I start acting a bit strange, I really start to like human contact during this torture, even when I have my blood pressure taken it feels sort of nice having some physical contact. Another weird thing I start doing is repeating the titles of the Harry potter books over and over again in my mind, I did this a lot when I was trying to sleep, it is a strange reaction indeed; I haven’t even read these books. Maybe this shows how much I was suffering. This went on for three or four months, one of the worst points was seeing my psychiatrist Dr. Jarhead, she knows what is happening to me, I obviously tell her about what is happening to me. She actually says to a nurse I look the best she had ever seen me! This is so cruel, I am in the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life and she says that, she has no heart. I work out what this torture is about, they are trying to force me to commit suicide, I wonder if Jarhead wants this, to protect her career maybe. I do think about suicide, I think about it a lot, I just want to end this pain, this torture. They do try and coerce me into this, Paris told me once ‘you are going to want to kill yourself two times when you are in the bath’, this is one of his stupid games, a tag in my memory for him to use, he knew this attempt on my life was coming and you take baths regularly QED. Paris and Paedophile Rapist constantly do this frontal lobe beta wave stimulation, Paris just stimulates it when I start to fall asleep, Paedophile Rapist obsessively stimulates it simply because he enjoys it. Paris and Paedophile Rapist go forty eight hours awake then sleep, when one of them is asleep Luke comes in though he does not do anything, he just has to watch me suffer, I couldn’t do his job. I know he does not like this but what can he do? My mind starts making funny noises, lashing out in pain. Fuzz comes in one day, she says to me ‘if you try and kill yourself just do it once’. I just wish she could come and save me, I would have said this to her if she was in and she would not be able to do anything, I am glad she does not have to watch this. I would not be able to do it if it was the other way round, I am glad it is me and not someone else.

I sort of become tougher in hospital this time, I guess I have to be, though only through finding out how miserable life really can be. One thing I learned was that people like me CANT kill themselves, like fuck is it the easy way out. If I could of ended the pain I would have. It is like I’m programmed not to do something like that, it goes so strongly against my nature, I think my instincts save me.  Killing myself would be the worst thing I could ever imagine ever. I guess people like me are programmed to be survivors.

After a while I start to pass out from the sleep dep, getting an average of less than an hour’s sleep a day has a toll on the body. I pass out next to a door on the ward, I come round with nurses propping me up half sprawled on the floor. I break my nose very badly, the septum is highly deviated from this; it is a right state. Once a week I get leave and go back to Bridlington and take some heroin, it only helps a little but it does help, after all it is a pain killer. This is a good example of why I think the people I know who took heroin are scum; I am at home on leave and one of them comes round, I answer the door. I pass out from the sleep deprivation in my hallway, he walks over me on the way in without a thought and starts laughing about the fact; he actually thinks this inappropriate reaction to a humans suffering is funny, scum, I cannot respect a person with such awful traits. I try drugs to alleviate this suffering; I try smoking pot to help me feel better, it does not work at all, it makes me feel worse. I even try sniffing gas to see if it will help in any way, I am desperate. If you get tortured like what I am going through you would understand, I find heroin helps best with this misery. My mind is just searching for a way to stop the pain, plain and simple.

When you are ground down to nothing, when all that is in your life is pain- this is when you find true strength and will; the will to survive. (ref. 31)

I go through a withdrawal in hospital and don’t even notice it, the pain from the sleep deprivation completely overshadows it. After nearly three months I find someone who sells me some clozoril, I actually get some sleep. I have to budget these precious tablets. The next week I buy some more, I would have paid a lot for these tablets. I sleep at my parents on my leave, the day after I am given a lift back to hospital by my nurse Rod. I check my pocket for my tablets and they aren’t there, a feeling of dread comes over me, I tell Rod we have to go back. He asks me what for and I make an excuse, he tells me he has the clozoril. He tells me my parents saw them fall out of my pocket, like hell they did, I made sure they were safe. My parents gave my clozoril to him. I don’t know if my parents were programmed to do this, they probably actually thought they were helping me in some way, they don’t know how much pain this causes me. My parents have been programmed so much they could read this book, read all my work, get told by a professional this is all true and meet agents from MI6 and they still wouldn’t believe it. This is why my life is so hard, everyone who spends some time with me can get mind controlled; my life is very lonely. Even people in the hospital wards get hacked, I’m not sure if its about control or human experimentation but it happens, it happens a lot.

My dad comes through to see me once or twice a week, I look forward to going out with him. It distracts me from the misery a little. We go to the Humber bridge and eat ice cream, I often hear a song ‘never be lonely’ by the feeling on the radio as we sit there in the car, it reminds me of Fuzz and makes me feel just a little bit better.

After nearly four months the sleep deprivation finally stops; Proff M gets involved, she saves me from this- she says I should go back on clozoril. It closes the secret services window to do sleep deprivation; clozoril really knocks you out. I wait nearly two weeks to get these tablets again. I know the sleep deprivation is going to end now, I now know what a marathon runner feels like when they can finally see the finish line, your last ounces of strength assert and you know you can do it. After two weeks the clozoril is titrated up, my sleep gets better and better. I have survived another attempt on my life, I have been ground down to nothing, in more pain than I have ever been in, yet again I got through this by just relying on the person I am deep down, my instincts and who I am saves me.

I am now sent to somewhere; Hawthorn court; another ward of sorts. I stay there for a while, though I am so miserable still. I only have Paris and Paedophile in my mind, I try my best to keep my moral up. I just constantly think as I do to keep myself sane, it’s much harder when you are miserable and run down.

I eventually get out of this ward, I get back to my home town Bridlington. It is annoying looking back, I should have taken advantage of this window to stop taking heroin but it is a place to hide and I am still in a state so I keep taking it, I just need rest after this, rest that is hard to find, remember the abuse through my bug is constant even when it is not torture like sleep deprivation. When I get out of hospital I am so exhausted, physically and mentally. I Soon get put on methadone, it helps at first. This evil green liquid rules my life though, its not nice being on it but it is better than heroin. I have a feeling MI6 are happy with this drug addiction, I am stuck in this cycle of misery for quite some time.

A Fight back to fight back

It is now may 2009, I hideaway and try to find rest where I can. I still take heroin, they still torture me and spike me with the nerve toxin regularly but leave me alone when I get heroin, a sticky finger trap. I decide to quit heroin, to fight back to normal, or what counts as normal with my life. Within twenty four hours of not having this drug I am a mess, I can’t fight like this. This is when I decide I want to get back to my life, hard as it is. I try just rely on my methadone, but the cheering up effect heroin has drags me back to it. I’ve not got much of a life but there is one thing to remember-

If you are going through hell, keep going. (ref. 31)

 It’s now the 26^th of November 2009, I try to quit again, a day turns into two, then into a week, that feeling of positivity takes over. I can now finally stop associating with the scum I have associated with. When the truth gets out about my life they are going to be shocked, I never breathed a word about my real life to any of them. I just stop answering my doorbell for a month to get rid of them, after a couple of weeks the doorbell stops ringing so regularly after a month it stops.

A big change I notice now is my perception of time changes, the entire time I took heroin flew by so quickly and now weeks last forever in comparison, one good point of where I am now. At the same time as I quit heroin I start to get an egg like taste on my breath repeatedly, from my lungs. It may have started just before, it runs through my mind MI6 no longer want to keep me on heroin, on ice might be a fitting term, they might want me to quit it for some reason, I don’t know. I go to the doctors and they give me antibiotics. I start getting real bad hot and cold sweats as well and feeling really run down, it really looks like I’ve got something seriously wrong with my lungs. I am sure it is something manageable though because soon Paris says to me ‘you will get what you need tonight’. I guess they must have done something to treat this as I wake up the morning after feeling lots better. I actually feel like I am just getting more air into me; refreshingly energetic.

Christmas passes, at least I am heading in the right direction now, I still have to get off methadone though. At the start of the year I try to get back to sorting my information and doing what I am doing now, getting my story up to date, at least putting in the major events.

It is now 19/1/2010, I dig my old diary out and make my first entry since 11/4/07, explaining what has happened, this is symbolic to me, this is the start of me getting back to my life. They keep programming me to not get round to doing my work; trying to get a valid report to prove my situation. Physical work would be easier, if you’re not in the right frame of mind written work is tough. I find myself not being able to concentrate and feeling run down, it is not nice.

I do start feeling a bit better and brighter now, I’m at least on my way to getting back to normal.

My mental health nurses from AOT change after the new year, abusive in fact, they all start using hypnosis on me, not gaze induction but old hypnosis, it is annoying I am so sensitive to it, I always know when it’s happening because I am so familiar with the feeling and I can always see my conscious sink into my personality. I find some of them are better than others at inductions, A is the worst, she lacks the capacity for this, she is repetitive and it is easy to work out how she is doing this, no finesses what so ever. Every time I point out what they are doing they lie to me and deny the fact. On the occasions I get angry at the fact they are messing with me they quickly stop and try to stimulate my conscious mind, I notice they talk faster when they do this. S seems the best at inductions, she demonstrates a complete lack of empathy, she doesn’t seem to care when she is abusing me, in fact the only person from the local mental health service I would consider training in my hypnosis is the psychologist C, she is the only one with both intelligence and empathy, two qualities I would look for in one of my shrinks. AOT ask me if I want to work as a service advisor, I would like to do this but I know they are messing with me. I go to a talk about the position at the trust headquarters with A, today I get to understand rapport. You would think I would already understand things like this technique but research on the internet doesn’t seem to contain much and as far as other ways to study is concerned they would be difficult with what I am going through. As we sit and listen to the information she copies my body language, not like a professional hypnotist, she makes it so obvious she is copying me. I notice after a while when she flinches I do, that’s rapport I understand now. She even tries ‘hypnotic touch’, all it is meant to do is make you feel really uncomfortable and open to suggestion. Three times she gently but suggestively brushes my leg as I sit next to her listening about this job, I find I am strangely comfortable to this for some reason, I know what she is trying to do but it doesn’t affect me, I guess I don’t have hang ups about being touched. I don’t want this job if my nurses are treating me like this and I certainly don’t want to have to interact with these nurses any more, they are part of this abuse it seems.

I have a councillor for my addiction, I want to get off methadone. I am anchored to going to the chemist and my freedom may involve travelling, I need to do it. I even try and arrange to get some take out doses, so I can go away for a week and maybe get some help, my mental health nurses won’t allow this, bastards. Could anyone blame me for not wanting to have anything to do with them. I have a meeting with my counsellor I say to him I want to go into hospital and get off this evil green liquid. He won’t do this, I say to him ‘if I do everything you say will you get me off it by Christmas’? He says ‘yes’. At least I have a time frame for it now, good. After some time we meet again, it turns out he breaks this promise to me. If I do what he says it will be long after Christmas I get off it and I won’t get put in hospital. It looks like I’ll have to do it myself so that is what I set about doing. I decide not to tell anyone, these nurses might say it’s dangerous or something, they aren’t here to help at all.

I catch one of my nurses, a new nurse called Simon video recording me with a key ring video recorder. A student social worker from Hull University is there; Michelle, she sees it too. I didn’t realise how illegal this was at the time. Soon after I say about this recorder the student, Michelle comments ‘I think I am starting to understand all this now’. After all she has met me a couple of times and surely must see I am a good person and not delusional in the slightest. I only see Simon briefly once after this. I worry this has happened a lot; my nurses videoing me. Cannons to the left, cannons to the right eh. My life is tough, a human being can’t live like I have to; I keep going fuelled on hope.

It is late spring 2010- I see Heidi’s sister and have a chat with her about Heidi; Heidi soon sends me an email. I want to tell her about my hypnosis; I know my children will be targets if they are like me, what if I die? Who will protect them? I am the only one who knows about hypnosis well enough to even know if they were being experimented on. I meet up with Heidi. We spend some time together over the next few months. I am not going into detail; she gets a bug in her, mere meters away from my daughter. She abruptly gets rid of her house and moves back into her parent’s house and there are other signs, MI6 wanted her to know they were there, this is upsetting, it is reasons like this I need to win. Most people they hack they don’t want them to know they are there, I am the only one who is aware, is this the birth of the mind control society? This happens all the time to everyone around me. At Christmas I cannot see her anymore; it’s complicated, that is all I will write.

It is May 2010, there is a new government now, I have mailed the new Prime minister and deputy in hope they will help me, I have even managed to write some poems (similes). A new government equals new hope. I am going to quietly knock on my government’s door and not give them an excuse to carry this on or hurt or kill me. It’s the right thing to do- we live in a country that stands for that. If I get the guys at the top to help me we can fix all this. I’ve fought my way back from brain damage, torture, drugging, attempts on my life, humiliation, abuse and just about everything life can through at a person. I’ll soldier on until I get where I am going. I won’t give up.

On the run up to the election they started very intense mind control games-very intense, fuzz seemed to be in a position of wanting to help me- I feel like Paris has singled her out a bit. Like he lets her try and help me in these ‘games’ but something always goes wrong. It sounds a bit stupid but these games seem more like being about changing my friend’s opinion of me. Why would the government decide to give me a job based on a silly game? The decision- the outcome of the game was determined before I played. I knew this but it’s hard when a game offers you everything you ever wanted. It’s not a game related to me developing or anything- generally the game would involve being tortured more and more till I… err was it lash out… change in some way. This is a bit weird, there were so many silly dam games and I find myself not remembering them, I remember fuzz had to think of something that would stay the same in me under torture, then they would try and mind control it out of me. Why don’t I remember? It was only a couple of weeks ago, it went on from one thing to another till finally they got to my feelings about my children- it was then she realised what they were doing- she thought it would lead to me getting my job, she thought it would be worth it. She realised what I did from the start- games are an excuse to torture me. But what would a bit more torture be to me? Compared to the chance to have my quiet little life. One thing I sort of remember was Paedophile Rapist psychologically torturing me when I was half asleep, it seemed like they were trying to make me feel Paedophile Rapist was better or stronger than me? Hard to believe isn’t it, I can only suggest that these people sort of have their head in the sand. They have got too used to this abuse. It’s bound to effect people doing what they’ve done to me for so long. Even when its quiet it’s always a lazy constant abuse. Sadly this has become life for me. I get by on hope.

From the start I decided to stick to my guns and not play the games. Games=torture.

It helps talking to Heidi about this, I tell her what is going on and she agreed with me that I should just ignore them. This helps a lot. I find myself wondering how the last seven years would have been if I had her for support. I cannot help remembering how she left me to die at the start of this but I will always love her, as with the other two girls I have loved she’ll always have a piece of my heart.

It is now the 19/8/2011 I think the battle ground I am fighting on is my mind, I am under constant programming and control day and night, I need to fight in real life to get the truth out but I also need to do things like write this book and prove enough about my hypnosis. I am trying to finish this account of my life, its taking a lot longer than I thought. If people know what’s happening to me surely they will help, reading it I should have gotten out of this, all I can attribute it to is a combination of bad luck, mind control and my Asperger quality’s, its not an excuse, I have got more out of Asperger syndrome than Asperger syndrome has got out of me but social situations can be so tough for me, not to mention I bumble, when you have a thousand good Ideas in your head you find it hard to pick just one. I am suppressed and my brain isn’t functioning very well but I have hope, I’ve got better so many times before, what’s one more? I am a phoenix, I should keep saying that.

On 31/10/2010 I quit methadone, I have spent months feeling ill lowering the dose. I would lower the dose and wait until I had a day or two feeling better than I would lower it again. I found I would sweat a lot and feel generally ill throughout this time.

I am sat in my living room, my dose is quite low now, I decide I have had enough of this evil green liquid, the two bottles on my table get flicked on the floor, I am not taking it any more. I take codine and lower the dose of that until I am finally free from addiction, finally, I can get back to my life properly, as hard as it may be. I take all my spare bottles of methadone to the chemist, I hand in thirty six bottles in total, they are quite surprised at this, apparently this never happens.

The science bit- ‘Personality structure and function’

I don’t really know where to put what I know of personality in my book. I first saw this structure on 1/12/2002.

The four parts of personality are related to the four main brain waves; beta, alpha, theta and delta waves. The water like moving waves present in personality corresponds with the frequency/Hz of the associated brain waves.

 Personality exists in a black round gamma wave field in the middle of the pre frontal lobes. Personality is located in this field, this is not a solid structure, it is electromagnetic/quantum, the structure of personality is the shape it is because the energy organises in this shape.

This personality field is about 2cm tall. Personality is on a frequency of 1hz-30hz, If I knew the frequency of this personality field I would be able to know the size of personality.

 The four main types of neural nets are related to four different areas of a neuron. There is an interaction between beta waves and the dendrite, alpha waves and the cell body, theta waves and the axon and delta waves and the axon collaterals. There is a key difference in the top of the super ego related to your gender, it should be present between the beta wave and alpha wave areas of the neuron. The quantum neural nets form electromagnetic pathways.

Energy leaves these quantum neural nets and travels towards its corresponding area of personality (I think as virtual photons).

This energy then turns back to photons in personality (this is why you can see it under hypnosis) which convert back again into virtual photons and travel up personality towards consciousness binding the four main brain waves into our aware minds. The virtual photons from the Id stay in existence for longer periods so travel further up personality. Virtual photons from Consciousness blink in and out of existence very quickly.

Virtual photons seem to travel towards higher frequencies in the brain.

Around this point in my book I have a little epiphany based on an obscure term I had heard years earlier on TV- ‘faster than light no left or right’. That’s why personality is square! It is trying to bend like a circle but can only travel in straight lines because it is made of photons that can only travel in straight lines. I look at personality as being made of two dimensional spheres, there must be a polarity shift at corners. Personality is the first square I have heard of in nature and really is something of true beauty. (ref. 32)

(ref. 33)

It is December 2010- I decide to travel to Cambridge. There is a professor B C there who seems really nice, he always answers my letters, he is the person who helped me find out I have some form of Asperger syndrome. For some reason I find letters and emails never get me anywhere so I go there in person, I know the building where he works so I have my place to get to, my target. I have to trail around Cambridge, I find he works at more than one place. I eventually get to the autism research centre, I end up with a phone call to his secretary and tell her why I am there. She sounds so caring and worried about me, this is so sweet. I am not accustom to someone seeming so genuinely concerned about me, I get told the proff will soon email me. I go to my bed and breakfast and await my response. The proff advises me to contact the national autistic society, this isn’t the help I really need but I am sure he would help me if he could. I am not sure if people understand my situation, If I get help it has to be fast and from more than one person, all it takes is a little radio wave device and you can be neural hacked. This seems to be the secret services first option; it seems they will hack anyone from my experience.

 I write a letter to the Prime minister and Deputy Prime minister, I ask them for help again. I make the mistake of saying I will go to the press if I have no other option, all I want is help, and I am not the bad guys in this. I am not stupid, naive or difficult to control; I only want to help people with my hypnosis. If I could just talk to these people I know I would be ok. If only they knew what was at stake and a little of whom I am. I hate to think what Sawyer is telling the government about me, if he is telling them anything at all.

About this time I find out John Sawyer is directly controlling this department, Paedophile Rapist makes me sure, it’s easy to hack big things like this out of him, I just read how he growls, he is acting in a quite disturbed manor now because of his little programmed addiction to abuse. I feel a little naive not knowing this about Sawyer, I think I just wanted to believe a separate little department was created for this, at least then Sawyer might have actually saved me, done what is right.

On the 1/1/11 at exactly 11pm a strange feeling comes over me. I get very confused and a little scared, it feels like what I call ‘the big one’, like something really horrible is going to happen to me. I can’t think properly, I have been drugged. I don’t know if it is the memory drug, it is something strong. After a few hours I start to be able to think again kind of, I go to bed. I sleep for twelve hours and I wake up feeling so ill. I just lay there in bed not being able to move at all. I wake every so often and feel so weak I cannot move. After twenty four hours I have to get something to drink I am so dehydrated. It is such a struggle to make my way to the kitchen, I struggle and stumble there, I get back to my bedroom and I fall back into my bed, I spend over two and a half days in bed until eventually I make myself get up and I take some codine, it is just enough so I can lay on my sofa and feel ill. I spend nearly a month not leaving my flat taking codine to get by, I am so ill.

It is Late January (26/28^th) 2011 John Scarlet joins times board for news international. I think he may be there to control the media one way or another, I deeply hope it is not with hypnosis, that would be scary, that could be the start of a mind control society, a society ill prepared for my hypnosis at the moment. I know he will have training in hypnosis, my abilities are that profound that people will want them, especially people with a lust for money and power. This is the scary side of my hypnosis, my hypnosis needs balance to it, in the wrong hands it is so dangerous, in the right hands it can help so many. Maybe this is what the drugging is about; putting me out of action for a while so the press can be controlled. How far is this going to go?

After this I think to myself what would happen if I actually went somewhere like Russia (I wouldn’t by the way, I wouldn’t want to give them the chance to make me look like a bad person)? Probably the same, Britain would probably restore relations with them to stop this coming out. I guess it would show how sick MI6 have acted and how they would go to great lengths to cover the truth up. All this over one man...little old me. I wouldn’t go to Russia, I imagine I would be in a situation where people would want my hypnosis more as a weapon, 75% of my hypnosis is helping people, it will be brilliant to fight the war on terror but this is outweighed by things like irradiation of chronic pain, mental health applications, cracking the brain ect.

I think MI6 spike my tobacco. I start getting asthmatic symptoms and the eggy taste on my breath comes back. I am seriously ill for well over a month and cannot really leave the house.

I have an x-ray of my lungs and most of my right lung has a big shadow on it, it is a lot worse than what it was, it is all over the right lung now. I have to go back into hospital. I now find out MI6 have being substituting my clozoril, I noticed it wasn’t helping me sleep as well. I have to be admitted into hospital, as soon as I go into hospital and take some of my tablets they have such a strong effect on me, they make me comatose in fact. I have to take a lower dose than what I am used to, it’s dangerous changing dose very quickly. The doctors do blood tests on me; maybe they had to give me my clozoril back because of this. I get a bit better while I am in hospital.

It is June 2011 now. I arrange a trip to London, if I am going to get help it is most likely there. I book a hotel for a week and try and find some help. The first day I go to the guardian newspaper, I explain a bit about my hypnosis and how it can help people to the receptionist to try get my foot in the door to talk to a reporter, I get told I have to email a reporter. I know this won’t work but I send an email on my phone anyway. I am not quitting at this, I decide to sit at the front door, everyone who comes in the building I ask if they are a reporter but I have no luck with this either. I go to a cafe just down the road from the guardian, I figure out the reporters will probably go for coffee there. There is a friendly bar maid there, I tell her I have an important story and I am finding it hard to find a reporter. She says she will point them out for me. A while later some people walk in, she looks at me and then looks at them and then back at me, they are who I need to talk to (if only all people were so helpful). I am so nervous, I take a deep breath and go over to talk to them. I explain a bit about my hypnosis and show them a diagram of personality, I try not to go into too much detail though. They just tell me to email the science reporter. They tell me I should write a blog on this, it flashes in my mind they might have somehow read my one of my blogs, I worry if I have said too much on it. I mentioned all the big things like the brain damage and Paedophile Rapist has killed children, is this a good thing to put up there? Will it put people off helping me or make them disgusted at what has happened and make them want to help me more? I wish I had advice for this kind of thing, bugs and secret services make finding help and advice hard. Going to the Guardian hasn’t worked but at least I am learning new skills, It is not usually in my nature to be so pushy.

On my second day I go to amnesty international and again I really do try. I go to the head office and get told the researchers are in another building, I find my way to this other building. They won’t let me in, again I sit at the door and try to get help from people coming in and out of the building. Eventually I get talking to someone who gets a message to a researcher, they tell me to send an email and give me an address, at least I know this one will get through. I send my email and tell them a bit about my hypnosis and how it is a human rights issue. God knows how many people are getting abused with my hypnosis, I just know it is happening, Amnesty should at least be aware of this, how can they help people if they are not even aware of it happening. I eventually get someone who comes outside as I sit there waiting, I get told the researchers are very busy but took time to look at my email. I get told they only tackle issues on an international basis so cannot help with hypnotic abuse. Another dead end. I promise myself if I can I’ll be back when I am out of this. People need somewhere to go to, to get help if they are in a situation like mine, this is the darker side to my hypnosis, something that needs to be prepared for. There needs to be some safe haven for victims of hypnotic abuse. If I get out of this I want this country to be a place for victims of this kind of abuse to come to. It might make up at least a bit for the actions of these bumbling Nazis.

My next attempt at getting help is a hypnotherapist called Susan, she is a top hypnotherapist in the country. I meet with her at her clinic. She seems very nice, I take to her immediately, I don’t often do this. She seems intelligent and caring. I tell her a bit about my situation, even about my bug, she is very honest, I tell her about being sectioned for my beliefs; she bluntly replies ‘I do not think you are delusional at all’. I tell her a bit about my situation, about how stupid MI6 have acted and how my hypnosis can help so many people. I say how the world needs preparing for my hypnosis; how it should be explored before it becomes widespread. I mention Tony Nicklinson who has locked in syndrome and how he is suffering so much and my abilities could change his life; she says ‘I think people have the wrong impression of you’. I later wonder what this means, do some people know of me in the hypnosis field? Does she mean about MI6? The wrong impression is what MI6 will want, they will try look like the good guys (I don’t really see how but I know they will try) and they will try and find a good reason why I couldn’t have a job (there is always a reason), hell I’ve even won over most of their agents, just about all my shrinks apart from Paris and Paedophile Rapist (obviously) know they should taken me on. My abuse is more about money and power for individuals it seems. I tell Susan about the lobotomy, how I am hypno-dependant, I tell her about seeing the inner child network when this happened. As I am about to tell her how old her inner child would be (one third of her age) I get panicky worrying about insulting her, I don’t know where to put myself, It is my shrinks messing with me, I muddle my words and go on about how old my inner child looks. I don’t even think she looks old, I do not look at her directly but she looks quite pretty and in her forties, out of the corner of my eye that is. I don’t think she knows how to help me, she says I should write a book about my experiences, she probably does not know how hard that can be with a bug in your head. I don’t really know what help to ask for. I need contacts, someone who government will listen to. I guess it is a lot to ask. I ask her about gaze induction near the end, I tell her I would need someone very good at it, I am unsure about even having this done, it’s so complicated. If she could induce me with it what would happen? There are lots of factors, my eyes can even be crossed so it won’t work, I have a paedophile with a personality disorder in my head and a hundred and one other things. She induces a mild hypnotic state in me with conversational hypnosis, it is not so bad when it is a good person doing this, not something I am used to. I leave her office, I have at least found the first person who I would really want to have my abilities, someone I know who would put them to good use, help people with them. As I leave her office Paedophile Rapist says ‘you got some brownie points there’.

The next day I go to FSI Law firm. They are defending Julian Assange so I think they might help someone like me. Hell he could be a target for my hypnosis also. I write a letter and hand it to reception personally. After a while I get a phone call saying they can’t help me. MI6 make it hard to talk as I explain things to them. They tell me they cannot help, another dead end.

It is Saturday now. I decide to try the Sun newspaper before I leave, I don’t have enough money for another week in London, this is my last chance before I leave. I talk to a junior reporter, it is a lot easier to talk to a reporter at the sun rather than the guardian. I explain a bit about personality, I explain about how my hypnosis can cure schizophrenia, as I start to explain removing voices, suppressing Id rate and suppression of the paranoia emotion (which is what I was going to say) I get confused and cannot think, I guess MI6 don’t want the press knowing what my hypnosis really can do. I get told a reporter will get in touch with me, one nearer to my home. This never happens. I do not know about scarlet being involved with the press, maybe this is a factor.

My visit to London has not helped (again) but at least I’ve knocked some dominos down, every place I go to is a chance for freedom from this constant abuse. I get in touch with Susan again through email, I send her some information on how my abilities are passed on, I want her to have them; her having them would mean lots of people being helped by her, people who are really suffering. I do not get a reply to this email, I am wondering if I should not have sent this information, maybe fewer people than I suspect have my abilities, It was either this, someone involved with the secret service gave her some ‘advice’ or she got the dream thing done; where they leave you unsure if it was a dream or if it was MI6 threatening you. I wonder about this a lot, I hope she is ok, she’s a good hypnotherapist and seems really nice.

A Fight to write

It is July 2011- I am trying to write my story like Susan said- it is a fight to write, I am getting a lot of primary visual cortex stimulation from Paris and Paedophile Rapist. I am losing faith in being able to make a deal with these people, how can they ever justify the horrid brain damage and employing someone who has killed children? I think Paris may have suppressed my emotions about this, i’m not sure if I hide away from them; I should feel so angry and upset at what Paedophile Rapist has done to children, whenever I imagine what he has done, if I get upset he gets off on it, I just have to tuck this away for when I have a life, when I am free. How can this paedophile be tolerated in MI6? What is the right thing to do? What is justice in a situation like this? how can it be made right?

Its the 25/8/11 I watch a movie ‘sucker punch’, it reminds me of my life, and it reminds me of what I am fighting for. At the end a girl sacrifices herself to save her friend and is left to face having a lobotomy, she has it done and her mind is just shut down, like she is awake but asleep, this should have happened to me , my abilities could save people from this; they saved me. I know it’s not real and I know it’s a movie but I know there are people out there just like that, asleep, asleep and I am the person who can wake them up. As I write this I have Paris and Paedophile Rapist trying to psychoanalyse me and change my beliefs; my ego, to stop me feeling this way, wanting to help people. I believe you get the beliefs you deserve.

Its the 30/10/11 I slept so much, my sleep pattern is messed up. I woke up at 10pm. I go to the toilet and my bottom is really slimy, I know this feeling, something has happened. I check myself and it feels wrong. Paris and Paedophile Rapist start to give me sexual feelings in the pit of my tummy. They start to flash different rape scenarios into my mind, all kinds of sick things, they can’t all be true but I know something is wrong. I know an order like this will have come from the top, this is where I draw the line with working for Sawyer, I will not work for a Rapist.

November 2011- The drugging with the nerve toxin is still constant, it’s every day, and now I have to deal with sexual abuse. It keeps running through my mind why Sawyer would do this, there is either a tactical advantage to this or he is lashing out. I just have to soldier on, being strong isn’t just about fighting, its about keeping going even through horrid abuse and even if the odds are against you. If I die and if I fail I’ll die for what’s right, even if they stop me they can’t stop my abilities from helping people.

Sawyer has increased the abuse, rape, sexual abuse and mutilation of my mind, not just the brain damage. I think it is because I know my enemy. What choice to I have? The rape pushed me across the line, I was willing to work with him up until this point and he knew it. How could I work for a rapist? Damaging me is bad enough but rape... My morality is not a choice.

I start to get drugged now without any seeming form of exposure, I soon work out some form of device is inside me. Every time I get drugged I want to go to the toilet; that must be what the intimate ‘interference’ was about, they have put something inside me. I now lose over a week, maybe two of my life, I know this drug, it is the same one I was given in America. I am in a dreamlike state for a week or more, it is a blur, all I remember is what I write in my diary.

They now start sexual abuse, I think Sawyer is lashing out because I drew the line and wouldn’t work for a rapist, he must think it is a good way to abuse me. It is more a moral choice; I don’t like rapists. I have awful sex dreams where they change my emotions for sexual acts. I have dreams about being raped and other sick things, they even try make me like being raped when it comes to mind what they have being doing to me. They do this programming in deep sleep a lot, I only remember bits but I know what has been done from my programmed reactions. They do things I don’t even want to write.

They soon move on to breaking my ego down with these drugs in me, I face wrong emotions; it is like everything I think could be made permanent, that’s what they want me to believe anyway. Worries flash to my mind but I know this is the sticky trap of psychoanalysis abuse, if you believe it is true it can be. I’ve faced this before and beat it, through everything I’ve held it together, you just have to be strong and have faith. They move onto Id manipulation, the deepest part of the mind, worry flashes into my mind but I’ve got to remember what and who I am.  

They put a cocktail of drugs in this device, even the chemical lobotomy drug again believe it or not. It did not work the same as last time, they tried to make it damage different areas, it looks like this drug only works properly once, it did stimulate Beta quantum neural networks.

There is one night as I am trying to sleep they start trying to take away my sensitive feelings in my tummy, love and sex emotions, I know what they are doing, they are trying to stop me having intimacy, they are trying to take away these feelings. This is a bad sign, they don’t want me to have a private life; they could have used this to win me over. Love and a family mean so much to me. They now start messing up my emotions and put me through so many sex dreams and mutilating my reactions to them. I even have a dream about Fuzz having to sexually assault me. Sawyer is proving to be a disturbed individual indeed, and all this from someone who has a knighthood.

Paris slipped up today, he gave away he’s going to be part of this little money power network, I guess with Scarlett and Sawyers and maybe even Blair, I know Blair and Scarlett are involved with oil now, I could see Sawyer doing the same thing. My guess is they all have my abilities; I am scared what they are being used for. Hopefully people will know, you can’t hide the money and power my abilities could get in the wrong hands. I am upset, there is not one single hypnotic treatment for mental illness out there and the brain has not being ‘cracked’ as it where. I don’t understand.

It is late in 2011 now- They are still trying to mutilate my personality with psychoanalysis, they have given me some form of belief altering drug again; sodium penathol probably. I know it makes the axon hillock in the neuron fire to stimulate the sub conscious. I wonder what Freud would have made of all this. I guess it is the same as my hypnosis, it depends who wields these things. They are doing all sorts, they have given me some form of new nerve toxin, my body has gone limp and floppy, they stimulated a quantum neural net that inhabits the whole body. This book is proving to be very difficult to write again, it is a fight. Will I ever get it done or will it have to be as it is now.

They really are doing some awful things to me, I have also been spiked with a very strong nerve toxin, my body has gone floppy, my right leg keeps going limp and I nearly fall over. They are destroying Body Quantum Networks, something I never got to explore properly; it looks like there are thunderbolt clusters of nerves you can see. They really are being sick and cruel. I need help as much as ever I have. John Sawyer really is acting in a disturbed manor now, it is mutilation of a human mind and sick experiments plain and simple, he even has Paedophile Rapist mixing minds with me and I am having awful dreams of abuse. They are implanting Paedophile Rapists emotions into me, so if people sense me under hypnosis my emotions will seem like his. Paris said I won’t be able to prove this has been done, maybe they are damaging me in ways that cannot be easily proved, C must be on his period or something.

I think they might be wanting me to write about these ‘Bumbling Nazi’ experiments, they are doing some really sick things, I think they might be trying to manipulate what I write. I guess this should be for just me and my diary to know for now. They have run out of areas to brain damage that hard to notice from the outside, I am noticing physical symptoms now. He really does seem like a Nazi scientist, an intellect unchained from morality.

I am close to a first proper edit of my book now, I have missed out quite a bit but the important things are here. I will do another proper edit when I get some help and when it is not such a fight to write it. Hopefully, people will want to help me when they have read this. I am doing my best. I will not lose hope.

They are now mixing my mind with Paedophile Rapists. They have tried to blank out all of my emotions; erasing my emotions so they won’t come back, then they join me with him and make my emotions like his. They are doing this a lot; they are trying to make my mind like his. John Sawyer isn’t trying to control me; he is acting perverted, he is lashing out; trying to mutilate me and make me like this paedophile he employs. This isn’t to control me, doing these things it looks like they are going to mutilate and kill me, probably with some disease. I will not give in to evil people. My mind is strong, I’ve got through everything; I will get through this, I just need to let enough people know what is happening. I know people who will help me are out there, I will find help. I’m up against the odds but I’ve beaten them before.

It is Christmas 2011- Today they keep gening a phoenix stone in my chest while they abuse me. I don’t care; even if I die they won’t be able to stop my abilities helping people. I say to them in my two different worlds as I struggle to write this book ‘ try and take my phoenix, you can’t take it away from me, I put it somewhere safe, somewhere you can’t find it, I gave it away’.

I have been attacked but I am peaceful

I am hated because I am kind

I am feared because I can help people

I share wonders from my mind

I find only abuse in return

I am dangerous because I do what is right

 I may die

But I have lived dreams

My mind may be damaged but it can’t be stopped

it is unstoppable in its nature.

(ref. 34)                                       

Part 5-
a guiding light

A Fate worse than death

It is now January 2012-My book is up to a standard to get out now, it's far from the whole story but it should be enough and I have a report which should at least convince people about what my hypnosis can do, I really want to properly do part three of my book but it would be a lot of work, the same with my report. I have always tried to find my freedom from this abuse as a priority. Work on my hypnosis and life story can be done properly when this is over. It is hard to be professional under these circumstances. 

My hypnosis is like a quantum bomb waiting to go off, it cant be stopped. John Sawyer is acting like a reprobate now. I drew the line with him when I thought he had me raped, he must have seen this as a sign of weakness in me because he started hypnotic sexual abuse and I have undoubtedly been raped now while under hypnosis, there is obvious evidence, it looks likes he wants to sexually mutilate me, this isn't muscle relaxation. I just think of how the girls I know who have faced this kind of thing and how I would want them to react, to deal with it, it helps. 

I have been to Leeds university, I talked to a few people and got some business cards out. Phase one was getting my book up to scratch, phase two is setting my quantum bomb by letting too many people to be mind controlled know about what MI6 is doing. Sawyer is continuing to drug me, my shrinks try and make out they want to toughen me up so I can work with them; they are suppressing my emotions. When I desensitise to something they just keep doing it anyway. They just want someone who will be abused and not react so they can do worse. Along with this they are giving me the strong nerve toxin. I am trying to be careful but I keep getting spiked. I am starting to stumble and my body goes floppy, my right eye is sleepy and my doctors say they can't help, to quote poor doctor Christine 'I feel powerless to help you' but she does help she helps by caring. 

I contacted the sun now I have my book up to date, I wanted them to read my book, it's become obvious they have been told something about me, they even put the phone down on me, maybe that's why I couldn't even get a response from the guardian when I tried. Why did Susan (the London hypnotherapist) say people have got the wrong impression of me? MI6 are using money, lies, my abilities and mind control on people, i'm up against the odds indeed. I hope this book gets enough out. I want to write more but you see what I am facing, I want to write about all my good ideas, how I planned for any problems the government may have, all the abilities I came up with, how I use logic to convince people and take on their ideas and how I won all my shrinks over (apart from Paris 'ite' and Paedophile Rapist of course), there is a lot to add, I want to write more about Fuzz also who has had a very hard time and only because I care for her. 

A friend on line suggested MI6 will be working with with the USA and the UN, what if by going to america I forced MI6 to do the right thing, maybe america insisted on that, my abilities are going to help so many. But what if some plan for distribution of my abilities is actually happening and I am getting all these Nazi experiments. I know the world needs to adapt to my abilities but as it is now they are being abused probably for money and power under the guise of development of them. I am worried they are trying to make me look naive, a plausible thing to call someone with an ASD, I am fighting for my life,sanity and for the people MI6 mind control, I do not wish to fight by distributing information but I am going through all this. And with paedophile Rapist having used my damn hypnosis on children I need to at least try to change how things are. Even their own agents disagree with what they do, my good shrinks will all be closely controlled in case they tell the truth about me, how I have never been dangerous and only wanted a damn job with my government. OK I want to do things like wipe out schizophrenia and the like but why is this not a good idea and I do understand this is a process and things can't go wrong with something like this. I have put up my own personal distribution plan on my web site but this is too big a decision for one man to make. 

I wonder if the brain damage is about covering up who I really am, they type of person I am, not many people know the real me. I had depression and a cannabis addiction from eighteen to twenty two and soon after I got over that all this happens, my life has been a fight for a long time, I can say that about it. Now the damage is having a physical effect I think sawyer is learning how to give people this type of motor related brain damage. By the way I would just like to put a note to Sawyer,Scarlett and their money/power network 'I got my abilities out, I would have died for that one single thing, I've won, you can't stop me now, you can only lash out at your bumbling'. My hypnosis was cracked years ago, you discover all the quantum networks, map them, you alter the EMS and EMA every way you can and apply this to mental illness and neurology ect, it's not that difficult really, I could have had it cracked and I'm not formally educated. All it is is electrical, EM and quantum pathways.

I am getting effects on my speech from the nerve toxin, I think they are doing damage to the occipital lobe and the right cerebellum. I should put a video on here of when they do this damage, I involuntary say 'ja ja ja ja ja ja' for quite some time and I get it worse if I try and speak- I can still think though I cannot talk. They have also put loving reactions in every time I see a dog in the street like they want to turn me into a zooaphile if you can believe that, this is just sick. They are doing all sorts but I do not see why, I always try and do the right thing but I think I'm up against some disturbed people.

'Never sell an inch of your soul; if you sell your soul it's always inch at a time'
(ref. 35)

Do you know what Paris said- they don't want me to be regarded like fucking Jesus! LOL, me. I have survived things I just shouldn't have a few times but Jesus. People could just meet me and this would be sorted out LOL. First I can't be trusted with women now I'll start a holy war! Dick heads.This paragraph will probably be edited out, it's just their insane game to validate their continuing experiments- making out it is a good thing to brain damage me further (doing brain damage because of brain damage) bumbling Nazis. 

It is 2/2/2012- I have just got a contract offer for this very book from a publisher. This might be an end to this, I can get my abilities out, I can find my freedom, I can get these Bumbling Nazis where they should be- retired in disgrace. As soon as I got my contract Paris let Paedophile Rapist abuse me, it is hours later and he is still sat there fixated on making me feel depressed. They are trying to implant depressed feelings in my ego. It is like he is getting his fill of abuse while he can. I don't care. I think Sawyer might be trying to make himself out as the big bad guy in this, maybe to protect scarlet. I should not think of all this, how can I know, I just know I'm facing horrible abuse, I should concentrate on getting out while my enemy is hearing my every thought.

The national autistic society is giving me some advice; they are excellent, they really are helping. I just hope MI6 having this influence on the media doesn't effect this, they have had a chance to plan against all this. The advisor's are really nice and are helping so much. With mind control independent advice really helps, I do worry about MI6 doing something about this. I'm going to keep at it, as long as I don't get locked up again. They are still giving me drugs every day, I look like shit. How long can I last against this type of thing. I don't see what they will gain from this, I guess this is their way of getting scientific results, it is beyond me to understand. A quote from the MI6 department head some time ago 'we are going to make you an unsolvable puzzle so no one will ever think about helping you'. This must be what all the different drugs and abuse is about. To mess me up every way possible and then do brain damage beyond what my hypnosis can support. I guess they can't kill me so they are going to do this. I guess after surviving multiple attempts on my life they can't try again. All I ever wanted to do was to help people, I've had to face this before, I need to think of something, there is always hope. 

It is the 4/2/2012- I went to go to bed last night and went to brush my teeth. Because of all the drugging it just occurred to me the water might be spiked, I used the smallest amount of water on my tooth brush. Paris said 'that won't be enough' and there was a lot of fuss in my head all of a sudden. The drugged feeling soon came over me, it was bad but I soon went to sleep. All today I have felt so sleepy and not with it, I could have been a lot worse I guess, I dodged another MI6 bullet. I would have been 'put to sleep' as it where. It reminds me of when this all started, the operation because they thought I was a paedophile was called 'sleeping 'something'', I forget, it just reminded me of a sleeping policeman when Pete told me. Putting me to sleep was what they planned to do to me somehow. Paedophile Rapist has been happy recently, the worse I am the more he gets off on the abuse. The zooaphile thing has gone now but they have made me get sex reactions to thought of the rape they have carried out. I wonder why they do this. I wonder if it is to effect my book, lets face it there is some pretty awful things here. I'm just telling the truth. Paedophile Rapist is fixated with my anus, he is trying to stimulate and mess with it as I type, ironic has he is traumatised by being raped himself. I wonder if they threaten their own agents with this if they don't do as Sawyers wants. Maybe they want to mutilate me and show lots of their agents what state I am in. MI6 should work on pride and not fear, but it doesn't. Paris said he will be regarded as the evil one in this, I wonder if it is all going to blamed on him and he disappears, I don't really know.

I think they might want be doing this because I will stand up for what is right, Sawyer and scarlet have done some sick inhuman things, I can't even protect my children or family and I have a child killer in my mind. All I ever tried to get was a job when I came back from america, to work for my country, I asked for was a working relationship with my government. I didn't mind being controlled, I actually wanted it, I would have worked in an ivory tower. I would gladly forget about all of it apart from the brain damage and sawyers repeated rape, I don't like rapists. This is more about mutilation of a person, they could have me in a lot of pain with hypnosis easily if they wanted. I have to fight for what is right though, they have simply acted like Nazis.

'All it takes for evil to prosper is for good men to stand by and do nothing'
(ref. 36)

If they got me properly with that drug last night I don't think I'd be writing this. I hope I feel better soon. I will just have to be careful as I can. I need to baton down the hatches. I need to think of something. I have to do something. I'm going to put some of my video logs on tomorrow. People should know of these brain damage experiments. It feel like they are trying to make me face all mental and neurological illnesses because that's what I want my hypnosis to do. I don't see why though; some form of poetic torture?
 I only want to help people, It's just me, what else could I be?
I will face this as I would want others to, I will be brave.
I will fight. I know Sawyer and his little network will try again.

It is the 7/2/2012- It looks like sawyer is learning how to create different types of neurological illnesses. I think they are trying to make me retarded from damaging my cerebral cortex. I wonder if they are going to make out I abused my tenants when I worked as a care worker, I know they can implant false memories in people. I don't see why they would treat me like this, they have treat me much worse than a paedophile or terrorist. Paris is spoon feeding Paedophile Rapist different ways to stimulate neurological effects. Stimulation gives me fits and automated uncontrollable speech, suppression makes me feel very sleepy. They are still trying to take away any good feelings or ability to feel them. That's what the rapes were about, my penis now feels like a child, kind of clean and not like my own penis. They have stretched my anus out of shape ect to suppress any future physical stimulation. They are trying to be as sick as possible. It must be to scare people, maybe even my shrinks, in case they ever tell the truth about me, unless they want other secret services to read this, learning how to dismantle a shrinks mind, I don't know, sawyer is been as sick as possible. Maybe its because I would work for a rapist. I guess this was all planned. I don't see how this is beneficial for them when they could have just given me a job. I couldn't work for bumbling Nazis though, I couldn't stand by and watch my hypnosis being used for the wrong reasons.

Paris has changed my lowest ego beliefs now, they are fuzzy and milky and feel wrong, some form of unpleasant happy feeling, it must be to make me more sedate. They continue with the abuse, I feel constantly dopey but it still goes on. Bumbling Nazis to the end eh. They can't stop this blowing up though. I bet they have tied too many people into this in the government. I look at it like a cancer, it starts with me but what happens when the next person going through this goes to the government, and the next, and the next.

I think sawyers is trying to create his own form of nerve disorders. Where both stimulation and suppression have adverse effects. It feels like when stimulated there are a lot of missing neurons so I spasm. When suppressed I can't think because there are not enough neurons. I am scared they will brain damage me to the point people think I should be taken off line. That scares me, I don't know how I would cope offline, I haven't been alone for so long. It would be a dream to be alone with one person but by myself would be horrible. I don't know what state I would be in off line, I would be a cabbage I guess. I'm half way there as it is. I think they will want to convince all my shrinks its better this way. They have been trying to convince me Ripley was in, they keep playing different scenarios. I have wanted to see her for so long, I want to see her but not through a bug, it would take me time to even realise it was her, it is hard to sense my shrinks ambient emotions with the left cerebellum damage. Paris is trying to make me believe I'm stupid now as I write, implanting beliefs about me not being able to write poems like I do. I am not stupid, I'm brain damaged.

It is 12/02/2012 I am not in a good way, they did something to my frontal lobes the other day, I laid in bed for twenty four hours with an awful headache there. I now have the full effect of a lobotomy. My neurons must have survived because of hypnotic support. I think they must have killed a type of neuron called a gila neuron with the lobotomy years ago but hypnosis kept my neurons alive. Bastards, my frontal lobe would have benefited science as it was , some poor person MI6 doesn't like will probably have an awful experiment like this done if it's worth money. Its become obvious I have a slow release nerve toxin device in me. They are creating an induced degenerative nerve disorder, I am getting fits and involuntary speech/noises. Sawyer is trying to be as cruel as possible. I fear I will end up in some institution barely able to function, just enough so he could let agents come in my mind to see what has happened to me. They are trying to mutilate me every way possible. They keep saying Fuzz will be there for me at the end, I know what they mean, they have started programming a voice into me with her characteristics. It scares me being left alone. They are mutilating me every way possible. Paris said they don't care about a court case as long as it is after they (scarlet& sawyer ect) can't be sued, I don't know if it is true like. Paris is obsessively programming me, for each emotion there is a full ego of beliefs, at the end it may be like having multiple personalities. He programmed a deep core belief (the middle bottom of the ego) that I love John Sawyer. This is where my 'I do what is right' belief is meant to be. I tried my best to work for Sawyer but he is seemingly quite disturbed. It is scary what is happening, the fits and involuntary speech. Now I have the full effects of a lobotomy it is an effort to think, I think quite slowly and I don't enjoy music as much. Why is it beneficial to do this to me? They keep saying they want me to give up but they don't. They would use pain to do that if they wanted. They did a dream the other night, they wanted me to give up on getting justice for these bumbling Nazi experiments, they wanted me to give up on getting justice for the children Paedophile Rapist has killed, they wanted me to give up on protecting my children. I will just have to be brave, I will have to face what many people would feel is a fate worse than death. My empathy is helping, I'm starting to think how I would want people who I care about to cope and try and do the same myself. I am worried I won't be able to write soon.

It is the 19.12.2012, Paris is trying to break down my personality, they have spiked me with the sodium penathol again, he has tried to change my core belief. When I found this belief in me my whole life just made sense to me.

'I do the right thing' (ref. 37)

This belief is just too an important part of me. Paris has now transplanted Paedophile Rapists ego column in me, the one to do with love and sex at the left, trying to stop me being so loving and caring (though such things have not been a part of my life for some time). He is also trying to make me believe I am a paedophile and to download it into my Id. I am glad this goes too strongly against me, otherwise it would be truly horrid. They keep doing this sinking feeling in my Id to implant things like this, I looked at a child on the TV and they implanted this feeling. I think this is all about covering up who I am as a person. This will be the bumbling Nazi's big plan to write and control history. Just like mind control they will want to over ride the truth. I am glad I have a logical mind, it is hard to fight in the dream like state this drug puts you in. Something has happened though, something good, something that might change things.

It is 27/2/2012 they are swapping quantum neural and body nets between me and Paedophile Rapist, even ones to do with sex, he is becoming obsessed with me. I think Sawyer wants to make my book unpalatable for people to read. I will set an example for others fighting such things, it's people who try who succeed. This experiment is twisted, it surely is a crime against humanity to try swap an Aspergers and paedophiles minds,, they are trying every way to do it, Paris said we will end up like twins. I am strong, I will fight till the end. I think Sawyer wants to try and write this book it seems so I guess it must come to an end here until I am free. I hope you have got a good enough impression from me from reading my book, I hope I come across as bright and caring. He will obviously want my book not to have a happy end, but I will fight for one, at the same time as fighting an implanted paedophile personality disorder, I will fight.

'though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil'
(ref. 38)

They are swapping quantum body and neural networks between me and Paedophile Rapist, they are mixing our minds togeter. I know what this is; this is Sawyers plan to take me out. I guess you can’t be the head of MI6 without trying to take Damion out. I am again in a fight or my sanity, this time against a cross between a personality disorder and multiple personalitys. They keep making out I am going to shunt over to Paedophile Rapists head when he takes over half of my brain. I soon clicked; when Paris started with the sodium penathol, one of the first things he did was cultivatre an emotion; one from convincing me I was a different person. It was a very strong emotion- me and Paedophile Rapist were not going to switch minds, the bastard was going to try and convince me I was him! I’m glad I had time to prepare for this, I was going to overide this feeling wit pain from a razor blade cut, he triggered it last night because I worked this out, biting my lip and digging my nails into my arm helped, remember rule one of quantum hyponosis; dpnt panic. This is getting bad this mixing minds with a paedophile, Sawyer is committing a crime against humanity I think, surely this fits.

Paris has spent a long time trying to change my core belief. Last night he tried to put Paedophile Rapists wot nots into me, now Paris has Paedophile Rapist holding his wot not in my Id so it is over my central column. I thinkhey are trying to make me seem like Paedophile Rapist, like a different person. Paris is holding it over my core belief, he is trying to put one of Paedophile Rapists wot nots in me. Oh my god, they just tried to implant the belief I am a paedophile in me, they want this as a belief. This is an order from Sawyer, this isn’t Paris; he’s a shrink, you can tell Sawyer isn’t a shrink. They are trying their best to traumatise me. They are trying to make me into someone I am not,m some sexual deviant who could not have a job. Sawyer has a sterile intellect, he does not think around problems.

When you face a wot not, when you beat it, when it disappears from your mind forever, you develop strength, it becomes just a nick nack, a wot not of the mind to just throw away. 

(ref. 39)

Paris keeps saying they gave me a job without telling me, I did apply for MI6 a year or more ago to try form a working relationship, to let them control me in an acceptable way, I got an email saying it was unsuccessful. Sawyers is just trying a way to validate treating me like an agent that's betrayed them. What happens to a 'c' that has betrayed his country though... see. He shouldn't even be allowed to have my hypnosis, he acts like a deviant.

As well as this they are giving me a slow lobotomy, they are slowly mapping the brain with brain damage, I can beat the hypnosis but I only have so many neurons, it runs across my mind I could be dribbling in a chair soon, I just keep hoping. Sawyers has ordered sexual abuse also, something Paris has never once done. Sawyer is proving to be pretty disturbed. I think Sawyers wants people to be scared of MI6, he doesnt realise what he is doing, people don’t fear MI6 because they look up to it. I think this book might be part of this,We live in a good country, things have to change, people won’t stand for this, they will stand up against this, we fought a war to stop things like this. I have pride in my country, I will fight and suffer and even die for what is right.

The quantum bomb

My abilities cannot be kept secret, they can help too many people, it is only a matter of time until the truth is known. My abilities are only being used for money as it is though. I guess the bad guys want control over the hypnotic economy though. I would distribute them to people who would help people with them, psychiatrists, universities and the like. Mental illnesses can be cured not, there are people in terrible pain and they could be help with a thought, one fucking thought. It is sick to let people suffer this way, all it takes is one good shrink though.

I have a present for anyone who has had my hypnosis passed onto them. Go to the other world, relax, now look behind your head nearly a foot up and a foot back, you will find something, I left you something there; in case you ever need it. (ref. 40)

Pick your path

It is 12/3/2012 I saw Tony Nicklinson who has locked in syndrome on the Tv again, he still wants to die. I've had enough of this. He needs my abilities, they will give him so much of his life back, he could talk, he could stand, he could go anywhere he imagined, he could touch his wife again, all in the other world but he would be able to. I don't know how people with my hypnosis can sit by and do nothing, I don't know how they can do this. I guess saving him wouldn't make money. I sent a message to his wife but she didn't get back to me and he still wants to die, this is worth a couple of days of my time and a couple of hundred pounds. My abilities are being held back so people can make money, this is bull shit. As soon as I decided to try save him Paris started doing all sorts, he tried to scramble my left cerebellum field and all  the bottom of my ego is bright yellow and fuzzy. They are desperately trying to stop me trying to help him. I've said if they give him reality generation and some body nets I will pretend it never happened. He needs help and I will not sit idly by. Paris is desperately trying to change my beliefs. Going through this kind of abuse I keep saying 'you get the beliefs you deserve'. If I succeed I am going to implant a belief of my own, beliefs should be earned.

'I  try to save people'

(ref. 41)

TO BE CONTINUED....

References

(1)    The structure of personality (female).

(2)    The eyes are the windows to the soul- A quote from The Bible (Mathew 6 22-23).

(3)    This is an oil painting of personality, as it looked the first time It was seen.

(4)    There is nothing more potent in the mind than belief- a quote by the author.

(5)    ‘A dark world’ is a poem by the author describing the first time he saw personality.

(6)    ‘Wot Not’ is a poem by the author based on the idea you can tell yourself something a thousand times over but all you really need is to hear it from someone else once.

(7)    The science bit- ‘Gaze induction’ ,also called mesmeric gaze or instinctual hypnosis by the author. This is some information on how to learn this skill. The paragraph is derived from www.understandhypnosis.com.  The rest of the statement is the author’s own explanation of what gaze induction is.

(8)    ‘personality’ A recreation of the authors first drawing of personality which was lost.

(9)    ‘Emotions are a guiding light’ A quote by the author based on his impression of the mind.

(10)‘Phoenix stones’ An explanation of a hypnotic technique the author created related to telepathy.

(11)The science bit-‘ Quantum reality generation’ This is an explanation of how gening works in the opinion of the author. This is based on his own experiences and ‘virtual photons’ to be found in Wikipedia.

(12)The science bit- ‘Neural transceivers’ This is a short explanation by the author of how radio wave facilitated hypnosis works at a distance.  This is based on his knowledge of hypnosis, and articles on ‘Virtual Photons’ and ‘the near field’ to be found on Wiikipedia.

(13)‘we’re little to learn and grow to know’ A quote from the author relative to development reflecting the lowering of Id rate with age.

(14)‘A letter to Buttons’ This is a letter written in 2011 to the MI5 department head from the author.

(15)The science bit- ‘Quantum neural networks’- This is an explanation of how the networks the author has observed under hypnosis are perceived and work. This is based on his own experiments and ‘virtual photons’ to be found on Wikipedia.

(16)The science bit- ‘The EMS and the EMA’- This is an explanation of the two different elements to the hypnotic world. This is based on the authors own experiments and experiences.

(17)‘Love for time’ is a poem written by the author for Ripley who he still misses, he poured his heart into this poem.

(18)The science bit- ‘Transference’ this is a hypnotic technique developed by the author to pass on hypnotic/mental abilities.

(19)The science bit-‘ a theoretical treatment for schizophrenia’- This is a description of three hypnotic techniques by the author which could lead to a new drug free way to treat schizophrenia.

(20)‘The story of the tummy gate’ This describes an unusual hypnotic experiment carried out by the author.

(21)‘The story of Mr.T breaking free’ This is the story of how the author found a way to give people who practice emotional repression their emotions back.

(22)‘Ice burg’ is a poem written by the author based on undoing emotional repression for Mr. Thompson. The line ‘did you find your plants down there’ refers to Mr.T having a liking for plants.

(23)‘Bunnies’ A poem written by the author for his shrink Claire; the first of the next generation of shrinks (she likes bunnies!).

(24)‘A letter to Ripley’ A letter written to Ripley. The author did not put as much in this letter as what he feels, some things just have to happen in person. The promise he refers to is a promise he made to Ripley many years ago; that he would get to her.

(25)The science bit- ‘Neurological support with quantum hypnosis’ This is information on how quantum hypnosis could be applied to help people with brain damage based on the authors own experiences.

(26)‘The story of Luke’s net’ This is the story of how the author fixed one of his shrinks. This is a fond memory of his.

(27)‘Even when there is no hope, there is always hope of hope, so there is always hope’  A thought by the author that helps him through harder times.

(28)The science bit- ‘Selective brain damage’ This describes a technique to perform selective brain damage using drugs and quantum hypnosis.

(29)‘Profile of a child killer’ I put this in my book to help someone in future to help track down this monster in case I fail, In case I die.

(30)‘Hard times’ A poem by the author about torture through sleep deprivation.

(31)‘If you are going through hell, keep going’ A quote by Winston Churchill which aptly describes the authors experience of what he was going through at this point in his life.

(32)The science bit- ‘Personality’ This is the authors attempt at fitting the structure of personality into science (he has had to do his best in very difficult circumstances).

(33)A diagram of personality and one related to the neuron from the author’s notebook.

(34)A statement by the author to end part four.

 35)A statement by the author on morality reflecting how an inch can turn into a mile, how foresight can save you from doing things you will regret. He looks at this statement as a reflection of what MI6 has done.
 36)A statement by Tolstoy from the novel 'war and peace' showing
37) A quote from the bible the author finds strength from
38) The authors core belief, part of him thinks he should keep this secret, part of him wants people to know of the most basic belief of his mind, a belief that all his other beliefs are based upon. He wishes more people have seen the best of him. With social aspergers this may be the case, few people light them up but when they do they really do.
39) A statement about overcoming wot nots/personality traumas based on the authors own experience of them.
40) A hypnotic secret only people with Damions hypnosis will be able to find, a little piece of the best of him.
41) A belief the author wishes to become a permanent part of his mind.

Copyright © 2012 by Damion M Cappleman

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher